Thursday, December 30, 2004
Sunday, December 12, 2004
Wednesday, December 1, 2004
Sunday, November 21, 2004
Anyway, I'm still too lazy to go back in and edit the rest of the site. Sorry kids. I thought I'd just post some news so the world still knows I'm alive.
Went to a show last night. It was all good. Had a couple drinks. Thought I was hung over this morning, but I'm just getting sick (I got a fever yo!) I'm supposed to go out with the girls tonite but I may hafta leave early and get some sleep.
Wednesday, November 17, 2004
Most people over 21 grow by gaining weight. I grew in height... I am now a whopping 5'5"!!! HAhahahahahahah!!!!
I was in the kitchen and I told my dad I thought it was funny that I was taller than him and he said "thats cos youre wearing those fuckin high heel shoes" I was like "dad I'm wearing house shoes, they have no heel".
Saturday, October 2, 2004
Tuesday, August 24, 2004
Monday, August 23, 2004
Thursday, August 12, 2004
1.You will marry him and produce five children,
although one will be mentally retarded. You
will be a house wife, and he wil own a music
store. Your love for eachother is immense and
nothing can bring you apart.
Which random guy will you marry? (.pics.)
brought to you by Quizilla HAHAHAH!!!! This is probably the best quiz i took to date...
You are Freddy Krueger, from "Nightmare on Elm
Street." Nice sweater.
Which Horror Movie Character Are You? (Many Options)
brought to you by Quizilla And I'm a Rebel!!! POWER TO THE JENNY!!!
You are a Radical. Right on!
What kind of Sixties Person are you?
brought to you by Quizilla
Oh yeah, and amidst chaos of the past few days, I had a horror with my website due to alcohol induced stupidity.. My bad for posting my web info in chat!! HAahah! Ok, so lesson learned: drinking and computing is not safe. Had to have my password changed and my computer wasn't recognizing it and then my ftp went crazy and I had to reinstall and 3 or 4 days later life was good again. So kids, don't drink and computer. It's not safe.Till then... be safe and crazy!!!
Thursday, August 5, 2004
Global Personality Test Results
|Sensate (43%) moderately low which suggests you tend to be analytical, unemotional and objective. |
Perfectionist (73%) high which suggests you are very organized, reliable, neat, and ambitious but possibly not very spontaneous and fun.
Extrovert (33%) moderately low which suggests you are quiet, introverted, and aloof.
personality tests by similarminds.com
Tuesday, August 3, 2004
Sunday, July 25, 2004
Thursday, July 22, 2004
Tuesday, July 13, 2004
ETA 1/13/09 11:16 PM - Katrina and I have put way too much thought into the thought processes that go on inside Fred Durst's mind. Way too much thought.
Tuesday, July 6, 2004
Sunday, July 4, 2004
Tuesday, June 29, 2004
Thursday, June 24, 2004
Sigh. I found out today that if I wanted to transfer to the design program I'd hafta become a BFA1 again and I wouldn't get any financial aid till I was a BFA3 again, or if I were lucky get accepted as a BFA2 and take 3 years to graduate. Bleh. There's another glimmer of hope, that being, they let me take design courses while I stay in the art department and I get art credits for them. Hrmf.
Aside from that piece of ass, I was bored and dyed my hair black again after ... God... years of not dying hair? Reason being, partially, when my roots were growing in, I was noticing "lighter" colored strands... Um, greys? Possibly. My dad went grey at 28 I take on his traits mostly with hair... thick on head and rest of the body. Heh. But hey! I also got my hair cut too. I rule balls! I only paid $7 cos I had a coupon... that includes a tip! Anyway, I took these cool pics. They're kinda Cindy Shermanesque. I'm basically being the monster coming out from under the bed. *snort*
Wednesday, June 23, 2004
Tuesday, June 22, 2004
Wednesday, June 16, 2004
That night we bbq'd and it was all good. Then there was a tornado I guess but nowhere near us but we did have thunder. Yay! The next day I went to Mall of America and it was super fab. Apparently you can't bring guns there anymore. Lame. Later that night we went to Luce and I got some buffalo wings and a Minneapopolitain and they were playing Motorhead at the restaurant! Woo! And we finished the night by seeing Mclusky at First Avenue, which, according to Katrina, is where they filmed most of Purple Rain's concert sequences and stuff. That club was tiny as hell and funny cos you could buy a PBR there for under $3. I bought one for shits and giggles.
The next day I slept in and went back home.
Friday, June 4, 2004
Anyway, I don't know if it's some sort of sick disorder or what, but I always think "there's never enough time in the day" and I've thought about what I would be like if I ever did any sorts of uppers in a positive and totally irrational outlook that I would be "so productive" (as if all the negative aspects wouldn't do anything to me! lol!)
But I don't need drugs or caffeine. No. See I have this weird thing where my body just naturally can stay awake for GREAT periods of time. I'm talking days if I really go at it. I've been getting to the point now where I don't go to bed till well after 2 am. I usually draw the line for computer time and "bedtime" at 1 am, which is when infomercials are on. I then spend the next few hours in bed awake (but I close my eyes because I don't want to see what happens when the lights go out.) But I sit there and think about random things. For some bizarre reason the number one issue that comes to mind isn't that of finances or family or friends or work, it's death. I sit and think about dying. I wonder how old will I be when I die? How will it happen? Will I spend years in a hospital or months or will it be quick? Will I be in a hospital prior to my death as a result of being old and having age related problems? What will happen when my family dies? What will happen if my husband dies? How will I react if my husband dies in his sleep in the same bed as me? Would I die after from a broken heart? What if a friend or loved one died as a result of someone else (ie car accident or something)?
I have this obsession with death. It happens always before I go to sleep. Sometimes my body starts to fall asleep before my mind does and I'll be lying in bed thinking of death when my breathing begins to slow down. My heart beat gets slower. My body numbs. Its like I'm in a deep sleep but my mind and everything else is totally aware of what's going on. Now, it's a VERY bizarre feeling being consious during that bodily down time because for me, literally I will take short shallow little breaths once every so many minutes (seems like anywhere between one and three minutes.) And within that time, my heartbeat gets so slow and shallow, that I can barely feel it. And in those minutes between the breaths as they get farther apart, I think, "This must be it. I must be dying now." Then, I start to freak out and I don't want to open my eyes because I'm afraid of what I'll see. I'm not too sure what I think I'll see, but I fear it. Suddenly I feel my heart rate start to speed up and my heart beats frantically. And it's funny because it takes my breathing a few seconds to get back to normal, but my heart can go from slow to fast in no time.
But thats ok.
I don't think about this every night. Just a lot and usually around certain times of the year. I think it's just some sort of anxiety related to my time in the hospital and deaths of loved one's of friends and so forth. But also a lot of it is due to the fact I would literally stop breathing when I was little and my mom told me of this when I was young and I always was afraid I would die in my sleep when I was little (little did I know then that that was how I would want to go later in life!!!)
Daryl Hannah's character said it so right in Kill Bill "Most of us don't have the privelage of dying in our sleep." So true. I've thought about what it would be like to die from a natural disaster, being eaten alive, shot, stabbed, falling off of something high, burning, you name it I've probably contemplated it. And in the same sense, after I think of what it would be like, I try to think about how I would make a split second decision to save my life. And then I wind up falling asleep.
Maybe it's not even about being productive. Maybe it IS about the fact there is so little time. I've lost 20 years of my life. I could go any day. I don't have enough time. Maybe I don't want to go to sleep for fear that it may be my very last slumber. What if everything I've been living in my life up to now has all been a dream and, what if I REALLY wake up and everything happens as if it were dejavu?
Why do I go out of my way to intentionally keep myself up so late at night, and then after designating myself a "sleep" time do I subconsciously choose to keep myself awak even longer till the point I give up and fall asleep?
I'm not too sure what the thing is with sleep or the obsession of thinking about death and dying, but it must suck to be old because I'm sure old people think about that only and frequently. I don't want to get to that point that I'm old and I think about death every day till I die. That would just be eew. Not fun.
I dunno. I kinda see this as a problem cos I think about it a LOT... but on the other hand, I don't see it as a problem because it hasn't affected my physical state other than the fact I dont sleep much.
I think when I get the time I'll stay up for a few days again and see how that helps me out. 4 years ago I found myself with a simliar problem: I wasn't able to sleep till really really late (like after 1 or 2 and I'd wake up for work around 6ish.) Anyway, one day I get this weird ass idea to see how many days I can stay up instead of saying its time for bed. I wound up staying awake and totally functional for 3.5 days. By the end of the last day, I started to feel kinda dizzy and decided, "Ok, I'm going to sleep." Maybe I'm like a cell phone. I mean, if you recharge me nightly I'll be kinda worn down the next day and die out. Sometimes I'll hafta be completely drained and then recharged in order to work right. Hmm... ok... I think I'm like a cell phone. I always knew I was something mechanical!!!
Anyway, I'm going to go to Catalina in 16 hours. I should go lay down now till I crash. Tonight... might be a night I can get some sleep. I feel kinda beat. Hey I rhymed. Im a poet! Damn I'm smooth!!!
Sunday, May 23, 2004
Thursday, May 20, 2004
anyway last nite i was setting the alarm on my phone and realized i had a message so i checked it and it was fatima so i called her. she was asleep and i thought what a lazy oaf asleep so early...
early alright.. like almost 1 am hehe.
according to various sources, jeremy is infamous for calling at random unknown hours of the night. jeremy, if you're reading this, fool, call my ass!!! im up and no one is at weird hours!!!
Wednesday, May 19, 2004
Tuesday, May 18, 2004
when i think of that i wonder like where will i be in 10 years? im hoping i'll have my student loans paid off but today i had a glimmer of hope for a few random minutes. i was working on a website for this lady a while back and quit on her and got my pay, but she emailed me this weekend wanting some art so i told her i'd do her design for $40 and she was like, ok cool. but then she emailed me and asked me for some more stuff so i bumped it up to $100 and she was like yea cool. so i think ok its not a million dollars but it's a bill. :) so i was being a little machine crankin out her art and stuff. and sometimes i just do stuff like that and think hey this is cool im getting paid to do what i like and its on my terms and i can set a price. that liberty is great. but im bummed cos come tax time i gotta claim that money. i'm not too sure how to go about doing that but i'd be kinda afraid not to and then down the line find out i owe for whatever reasons.
i just finished doing some art for someone i know and they showed their buddie who owns a hobby record label and wants me to do art for them. grrrr. i have no problem doin freebies for friends but i told them this guy better pay me hehe. i told the guy i'd give him a discount cos its their buddy but i also informed them never to do that again w/o my consent. ie, my time is money and time wasted on fun stuff can be time working on paid goods...
Tuesday, May 4, 2004
* * LATER IN THE DAY * *
"THE DRUG TRUCK THEORY"
So across the street from me is this family. The husband is a gardener and tried to get a monopoly of doing all the lawns in our neighborhood but most of the old people out here already had gardeners so he's all pissy. He was mad at us cos we turned down his services so he was friends with our old asshole neighbors that moved and he'd plot with them stupid stuff. Anyway, the guy has these kids, two that I know of, one I question if it's his. The one kid is a little girl. She's pretty chubby. She looks like the mom. The other is this little boy who is totally blonde hair blue eyes and wears glasses white. Now I've seen some of their relatives and there are no light skinned folk there (they're hispanic and most of them are darker skinned. I think the woman had an affair or the kid might be adopted or something.) Anyway, since the guy does yard work he's home every day and his kids run around outside the house and up and down the street. The old lady across thes street with me who pimps her old Chevy Malibu to the church I go to on Sundays got mad at his kids cos they were riding their bikes on her lawn and stuff. But ok that's kinda irrelevant to my story. Anyway, they're home all day and when they're not trashing up the neighbor's lawns they have their dad buy them ice cream. I think he must spend like at least $20 a week on ice cream from the ice cream truck on them. Now, logic tells me, ok, ice cream from the truck is like $1.50 or so for one thing. Ice cream from the store is like $3 - $5 for a gallon or a box of popsicles or whatever. Financially I can see one option being a LOT cheaper than the other. Then again, maybe he buys from the truck cos if it's in the house that little girl might eat all of them at once. Anyway, I see those kids get ice cream from a truck at LEAST three times a day in the spring and summer. Its usually like once or whenever the truck comes by in the winter and off seasons. Regardless, he's financing ice cream man's child support or whatever.
Now, there's one ice cream truck in the neighborhood that we've dubbed the "drug truck". Reason being, it comes down the street every day or so and goes at least 30 - 40 mph. It never stops for anyone. It's blue with a white roof and we laugh whenever it passes by because you hear the music and it sounds all warped due to it's high speed. Anyway, today those two kids were in their front yard and I guess the ice cream man didn't come yet but they see the drug truck haulin ass down the street and they start to run after it, "WAAAAIIIIITTTT!!!!!! WAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIITTTTT!!!!" The funny thing is, our drug truck theory is even more true now more than ever. Two kids come running after the truck and it doesn't stop. Does it see them? It can't help it. They were running out to it from the moment they spotted it down the street. This pass by was intentional. That truck knew those kids weren't buying drugs and that truck obviously didn't have any ice cream for them either. So the theory that the drug truck really is a drug pusher in the disguise of an ice cream truck: true. The fact that those kids eat too much damned ice cream and maybe this will be a wake up call to them to cut back a bit: also true.
But you can believe me, I was laughing my ass off when I saw this. That's just ghetto. Hahahah...
Monday, May 3, 2004
Also I have horrible sound quality video clippets if you wanna see. Due to the fact we were right up there by them, the sound sucks. But it sure the hell didn't suck there hahahaha!!!
Tuesday, April 27, 2004
::Photo no longer on server::
Sunday, April 18, 2004
I like to look at wedding dresses. They make you wear gloves at the Wedding Boutique "slash" Wedding Chappel in the mall... Can we say ghetto??? (to the chappel not the gloves lol. Who would get married in a mall anyway?!?!)
Sunday, March 28, 2004
Friday, March 26, 2004
I was lookin at my friend Amafamalissa's other journal thingie and I haven't seen her photos since high school. She was good then but now she's wicked awesome. Dude... did I just say "wicked awesome"? Ugh. I can't believe I just said that. Grrr stupid 1:30 am....
Thursday, March 25, 2004
I haven't really mentioned anything of the sort but like a little over a week ago, I had this weird random asthma attack. Since then I've been gettin them more frequently and heavier. Well, remember how I had all that ruckus last year being in the hospital and what not? For some reason, now when I get an asthma attack, I kinda freak out and anxiety kicks in. Anyway, I lack my oxygen and my CO2 so I'm kinda screwed. There really isn't anything more they can do for me except give me sterroids and say take it easy for the next month till the sterroids actually work. Gee, lucky me. Regardless, I spent $50 for my meds. Grrr. Seems like every year life gets a little crappier.
So I can't do anything about my health. I try to live a pseudo healthy lifestyle but its kinda hard when a good 3/4 of the people I know smoke and I work by a tile cutting factory and railroad where I'm constantly surrounded by bad particles of junk in the air. Maybe if I have more money I won't notice these things... or at least not have to hit up my parents for the cash to pay for my meds...
I went to work today after having to take the last day and a half off and it's really hard for me to work under these conditions. (Imagine feeling like you're suffocating every 5 minutes or so and then freaking out and your heartrate goes up and you cant get any air in cos you're so freaked out...) So I guess its bedrest time for me. Meh.
Thursday, March 18, 2004
Oh yeah, here's a charming St. Patrick's day flash back to last year: The St. Patrick's Day Surprise!!! I saw it today and was laughing. I forgot all about that!
Saturday, March 13, 2004
In case you didn't notice, I guess this moved from a professional news section to a web journal like those so many people have. I'm not sure why I never changed the title from news to journal, but I guess journal has a certain stigmata to it I never wanted to take... like being called a feminist.
I am really good at holding grudges and I would never in my life want to be a feminist because some of the people I hate most claim the lable, some because they have control issues others cos they just want a lable or to fit into something. And quite frankly I don't have a clear grasp on feminism and what it means. All I know is that older women and my peers revile me for my views.
On that note, (for the moment I lost my train of thought to make sure I don't look like a tool using a word I'm not 100% sure on the meaning. I sound like a total idiot when I talk because I write probably at like a 5th grade level.)
Ah yes, I need to quit taking things so cynically. But maybe it's my cynicism that drives me to go on. I realized that I am a curious cat that's going to get killed. I keep prying my nose into places in the past trying to find as many pieces of the puzzle so I can make out a clear picture. I've learned that with just the right amount of alcohol I can get a good handful of pieces, but the rest I will have to do some detective work on. I realize that other people's lives are a lot more interesting than mine. And not like famous other people, but people I know personally or not. I just want to find out as much as I can about people. I think it's almost like a borderline psychotic trait, although that wouldn't be the first time someone called me a psycho... although the first I called myself that...
A few nights ago I realized I don't want to paint anymore. Not because I don't enjoy it. I actually have some canvas with gesso drying as we speak that needs a few more coats. I love painting. I love to do it to relax, but, I just don't like what others have to say about it not being "interesting" enough, or that it needs to be "deeper". Why can't I just do art for art's sake anymore? Is that not acceptable? I guess not in an art school. They expect more. Maybe I just haven't found the right way to express myself in a way people find it interesting. You know it's kinda odd cos that's a vicious cycle in my life. When I was in elementary school and junior high I wasn't "interesting" enough so I kinda got into counter culture and found my 15 minutes in a niche I felt comfortable in. Of course one minute later I was once again not "interesting" enough. This happened probably 5 times again up until college when I found my path and some 15 minutes later I was once again not "interesting" enough. Can we see a pattern here?
I'm overly aware of certain aspects of my life and I start to fear when it'll get close to 15 minutes in other areas. Life is scary. Yet I can happily say I am not one of the millions out there with depression, but merely a cynical awareness of my situations.
However, I will admit, I am in a very odd stage of my life with everyone around me. My sister is going to be moving out of the house for her third time. First time was... well, I won't lament on these stories because I went over them the other night whilst telling someone else online about her decisions. All I can say is that she's moved out 2 other times, both with men. Both times did not work and she wound up back home. She's been living in the living room for the past I wanna say 4 years... It's gonna be weird with her gone. The last time she moved out I didn't really care because I had a very busy social life at the time. But some four years later I realize who my true friends are even though I rarely get to see them. Although I must say, I was really pissed off that some people I had thought were my friends, don't see me the same way. So much that I hear about their birthday parties from other people and while I talked to them, they obviously don't think I'm worthy enough to hang out with them at their social gatherings. Needless to say, they are tools. I'm sure had I gone they would suggest it be my turn to play sloppy seconds to their boyfriend as if it would somehow be a privelage. Although I doubt it because I don't think they ever really saw me as being worthy of being part of their "beautiful people" clique.
This is why I am cynical and you're just depressed. I hate you and you hate you too. I guess that's all we ever had in common.
Friends close and enemies closer. Again.
And on issues of faith... at 12:56 AM it is the third Friday of Lent. No meat today. Good thing I had a big meal 4 hours ago. I feel as if I've let God down by saying I would give up fast food and soda for Lent, yet I've found myself eating more fast food and drinking more soda since the 3 days I was able to go after Ash Wednesday. I just don't have good willpower. If I did, I would be 20 lbs lighter, not have a hole in my tooth and maybe be out of school by now. Heh. It kinda makes me want to go back and read Joyce again. I know he makes a lot of political references, but I was always more attracted to the spiritual dilemas that challenged ones faith. Eh, I guess politics at that time were a determining factor, especially when people start to pay more attention to the state than to God. But on that, I remembered one of the most striking images he ever wrote was at the very end of Ulysses when Mrs. Bloom was goin on and on and she starts talking about premarital sex and mentioned putting a dab of boisenberry jam on the sheets to make the man think his wife was a virgin.
Oh no, its really early morning and informercials are on now! It's funny, all health and fitness guru guys always look the same. They have those ripped muscles, tank tops, basbeball caps, and a long ponytail. Interesting observation. * Richard Simmons doesn't count. He's just a nut! *
I got my girlscout cookies in today. It sucks cos I didn't have the money for them, yet my boss requires that we buy things from his kids whenever they sell things for their schools. I know, it's bullshit, but I hafta kiss ass with hopes I might get a raise. I guess he hired like 2 new people. One guy is totally cool cos he has the biggest truck I ever saw in my life. The other is a meathead jock type. But he keeps hiring all these new people and I'm wondering like how we can do this financially because, last I heard, we weren't doing too well with the money. But then, we're getting all these new people. Like I said, hopefully, I'll see some of that money.
Lots of people can say money doesn't bring happiness. But they're usually people with a lot of money that never worked a day for what they have and tend to underappreciate things anyway. So if I had the money I would finish school, buy a house, and try to make a nice happy life for me.
Sometimes it's hard to learn things about people with aliases. Oddly enough, I have found some things on people who had an alias. It took me forever but I found information on them. But, my fascination isn't so much on historical events in their lives, but more so their emotions towards things. Of course it's never really done out of pure amusement but rather to place myself on some sort of scale as to how I would line up in the lives of others, hoping I am higher on the pedestool. I'm supposed to be a woman now, but everyone still treats me like that dumb little girl. I wonder about others and why they were treated like women but I'm treated like the little girl. What made me different?
In the long run it's a search to find myself for the moment. I can't do the little girl thing because I am too old for that now. Now I need to figure out how to be a woman. How to do things the grown up way. Life is scary. I'll need to move out one day and give up my codependency. In order to do that I need to quit lamenting over the past and things I cannot change or ignore. I need to accept the past for what it is and was: the past. That which will not be repeated... hopefully. And despite the fact they say actions speak louder than words those are lies because the words are the things that are burned in my memories, and they always come back to bite you in the ass. Sometimes I wish I never said things. Sometimes I wish others never said things. But I always will wonder what if?
I was thinking about a guy I knew in high school and I was wondering what if I went out with him instead of my sister? How would my life be different? Maybe my life wouldn't have been any different then than it is now?
Gee, my mind is all mixed up right now. There's so much going on and my thoughts are bouncing around like readings from John Edwards, who I question, because I know if I had that gift I would not be exploiting it on tv and getting paid for it, but rather doing it for free. If that is truly an ability he has, he's abusing it. Needless to say, I would be tormented if others used me as a medium... unless it were for someone I cared for and the message were important.
Eeeew ok my thoughts are getting weird. I should go to bed cos I'll only get 6 hours of sleep. Grrrr.... G'nite kids...
Monday, February 23, 2004
Wednesday, January 28, 2004
Well! What's the point of updating so late in the month? I dunno. I guess I didn't want to let anyone down. Let's see, what's goin on... I had to take a leave of absence from school and that sucked cos they tore up my ID card. No more student discount! Boo! I went to a monster truck rally on Saturday night (01/25/02) and it was cool cos they had demolition derby instead of the gay motocross/motorcross (sp?). Moral of story: it was great.
WHO LOVES THEIR TRUCK? I LOVE MY TRUCK!
Here's something you don't hear of too much. You always hear stuff about people saying their mechanics suck and not to trust them, etc. I don't believe that. I love my mechanic. I trust my li'l truck with Steve at Burns Automotive in Reseda. That guy's worked on my truck every time since I've owned it doing nothing but making it better for me. Anyway, over the last few days, I noticed my brake lights and blinkers weren't working, so I had the li'l guy go in today for a check up. Steve checks it out along with a list of other things I wanted him to look at and well, darn it he's such a nice guy! If I won the lotto I'd give him like $5,000 or somethin. Normally, they won't do the work unless you pay that day or the day you pick it up with a down payment if it's a high bill. Well, Steve's worked on my truck. I've spent like $4,000 on my truck fixing it up since I've had it. I had to get a stupid belt that cost $500, rebuilt the transmission at $800, got a new engine put in $4,000. So, when I have a tiny thing that needs to be done like changing blinker lights, he does them for me and says I can pay for them whenever because he really wouldn't want to see me get in an accident because someone doesn't know which way I'm going or if my brake lights aren't working.