Sunday, March 28, 2004

Favors don't pay the bills

Some days I think I bit off more than I can chew. I've realized that aside from the fact I have my full time "day job", I've found myself occasionally baby sitting for my old boss (which I have no problems with... easy money!!!) but I find myself now running 4 websites, but of those only one pays. Ok, I totally know I hafta do my site cos if I don't, no one knows I exist and then I'm left without money. But honestly, I'm thinking I wish I could come up with more money. Dammit. It sucks being broke. But yes. I run my site for publicity. But I also run a site on the sly for a friend. Eew. Talk about awkward. See, the point is my time is valuable. Sometimes I think I would be very well off with a laptop. Hmm... I could see how I could be so much more productive but I dunno. Anyway, I still find myself needing side gigs. Hopefully now that I have the design section up I'll get more stuff in there. But really, I think the real point behind all this is: my bills don't get paid based on me doing you "favors". From now on, if you want something from the Jenny, you'd better be willing to pay for it!!! I'm not rich like you and the only reason I have this site is cos of a very nice anonymous person who provides my server space and I just give him the domain fees once a year. HELP THE JENNY!!!

Friday, March 26, 2004

Today is now tomorrow

With today now being tomorrow, I just finished some updates to the look of the site. I was really unhappy with the last design. What the hell was I thinking?!?!? Ha ha ha ha ha! Anyway, I think this site is more fun looking even though much of the content is the same etc. I'm not completely done though. I'm gonna edit some of the pictures and I'm working on reconfiguring the art gallery into comics, art, and design. So it's kinda in the works and what not. As usual, let me know if there's any mistakes. Heh. It's so fun now. I'm pleased. :)

I was lookin at my friend Amafamalissa's other journal thingie and I haven't seen her photos since high school. She was good then but now she's wicked awesome. Dude... did I just say "wicked awesome"? Ugh. I can't believe I just said that. Grrr stupid 1:30 am....

Thursday, March 25, 2004

Feeling like you're suffocating every 5 minutes

I dunno how many times I say it, but I really need money. More money anyway. I think I would be ok if I could magically come up with like $500 - $1000. But that's not gonna happen so meh.

I haven't really mentioned anything of the sort but like a little over a week ago, I had this weird random asthma attack. Since then I've been gettin them more frequently and heavier. Well, remember how I had all that ruckus last year being in the hospital and what not? For some reason, now when I get an asthma attack, I kinda freak out and anxiety kicks in. Anyway, I lack my oxygen and my CO2 so I'm kinda screwed. There really isn't anything more they can do for me except give me sterroids and say take it easy for the next month till the sterroids actually work. Gee, lucky me. Regardless, I spent $50 for my meds. Grrr. Seems like every year life gets a little crappier.

So I can't do anything about my health. I try to live a pseudo healthy lifestyle but its kinda hard when a good 3/4 of the people I know smoke and I work by a tile cutting factory and railroad where I'm constantly surrounded by bad particles of junk in the air. Maybe if I have more money I won't notice these things... or at least not have to hit up my parents for the cash to pay for my meds...

I went to work today after having to take the last day and a half off and it's really hard for me to work under these conditions. (Imagine feeling like you're suffocating every 5 minutes or so and then freaking out and your heartrate goes up and you cant get any air in cos you're so freaked out...) So I guess its bedrest time for me. Meh.

Thursday, March 18, 2004

St. Patrick's Day at an English Pub???

Last night was my first St. Patrick's day of going out drinking. We were gonna go to Ireland 32's but I only had $15 on me and there was a $10 cover so that would be no fun! Plus we heard there was like a 2 hour wait to get in. So we trotted on across the street to Robin Hood's, the British pub. Heh. Seems kinda lame and/or dumb going to a British pub for St. Patrick's day but meh, there was a Welsh dude there and St. Patty is originally from Wales, so it was ok. But oh man! There were SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO many boyfriend calls in there. I was in tears and my tummy hurt from laughing so much. I had a good time with T and Sharon Sharon. And I guess there was some guy Sharon knew there and he bought us all a round of drinks. Kudos to him. I had a few black and tans in honor of the occasion and friends, I normally greatly dislike Guiness, but hot damn, I think if I drink beers again, I'm gonna hafta stick with the black and tan cos it's the perfect blend of both worlds. Mmm mmm mmm. Ok, oh and if you ever go to Robin Hood's might I suggest the Chicken Drummies. They're damned tasty!

Oh yeah, here's a charming St. Patrick's day flash back to last year: The St. Patrick's Day Surprise!!! I saw it today and was laughing. I forgot all about that!

Saturday, March 13, 2004

I hate you and you hate you too

I dunno where to start. It's weird. I was surfing an old webpage and reading someone's journal and I dunno. You know how like sometimes you hate someone so much you want to know everything about them? Its like the greatest lesson I ever learned from reading Heart of Darkness: keep your friends close and your enemies closer.

In case you didn't notice, I guess this moved from a professional news section to a web journal like those so many people have. I'm not sure why I never changed the title from news to journal, but I guess journal has a certain stigmata to it I never wanted to take... like being called a feminist.

I am really good at holding grudges and I would never in my life want to be a feminist because some of the people I hate most claim the lable, some because they have control issues others cos they just want a lable or to fit into something. And quite frankly I don't have a clear grasp on feminism and what it means. All I know is that older women and my peers revile me for my views.

On that note, (for the moment I lost my train of thought to make sure I don't look like a tool using a word I'm not 100% sure on the meaning. I sound like a total idiot when I talk because I write probably at like a 5th grade level.)

Ah yes, I need to quit taking things so cynically. But maybe it's my cynicism that drives me to go on. I realized that I am a curious cat that's going to get killed. I keep prying my nose into places in the past trying to find as many pieces of the puzzle so I can make out a clear picture. I've learned that with just the right amount of alcohol I can get a good handful of pieces, but the rest I will have to do some detective work on. I realize that other people's lives are a lot more interesting than mine. And not like famous other people, but people I know personally or not. I just want to find out as much as I can about people. I think it's almost like a borderline psychotic trait, although that wouldn't be the first time someone called me a psycho... although the first I called myself that...

A few nights ago I realized I don't want to paint anymore. Not because I don't enjoy it. I actually have some canvas with gesso drying as we speak that needs a few more coats. I love painting. I love to do it to relax, but, I just don't like what others have to say about it not being "interesting" enough, or that it needs to be "deeper". Why can't I just do art for art's sake anymore? Is that not acceptable? I guess not in an art school. They expect more. Maybe I just haven't found the right way to express myself in a way people find it interesting. You know it's kinda odd cos that's a vicious cycle in my life. When I was in elementary school and junior high I wasn't "interesting" enough so I kinda got into counter culture and found my 15 minutes in a niche I felt comfortable in. Of course one minute later I was once again not "interesting" enough. This happened probably 5 times again up until college when I found my path and some 15 minutes later I was once again not "interesting" enough. Can we see a pattern here?

I'm overly aware of certain aspects of my life and I start to fear when it'll get close to 15 minutes in other areas. Life is scary. Yet I can happily say I am not one of the millions out there with depression, but merely a cynical awareness of my situations.

However, I will admit, I am in a very odd stage of my life with everyone around me. My sister is going to be moving out of the house for her third time. First time was... well, I won't lament on these stories because I went over them the other night whilst telling someone else online about her decisions. All I can say is that she's moved out 2 other times, both with men. Both times did not work and she wound up back home. She's been living in the living room for the past I wanna say 4 years... It's gonna be weird with her gone. The last time she moved out I didn't really care because I had a very busy social life at the time. But some four years later I realize who my true friends are even though I rarely get to see them. Although I must say, I was really pissed off that some people I had thought were my friends, don't see me the same way. So much that I hear about their birthday parties from other people and while I talked to them, they obviously don't think I'm worthy enough to hang out with them at their social gatherings. Needless to say, they are tools. I'm sure had I gone they would suggest it be my turn to play sloppy seconds to their boyfriend as if it would somehow be a privelage. Although I doubt it because I don't think they ever really saw me as being worthy of being part of their "beautiful people" clique.

This is why I am cynical and you're just depressed. I hate you and you hate you too. I guess that's all we ever had in common.

Friends close and enemies closer. Again.

And on issues of faith... at 12:56 AM it is the third Friday of Lent. No meat today. Good thing I had a big meal 4 hours ago. I feel as if I've let God down by saying I would give up fast food and soda for Lent, yet I've found myself eating more fast food and drinking more soda since the 3 days I was able to go after Ash Wednesday. I just don't have good willpower. If I did, I would be 20 lbs lighter, not have a hole in my tooth and maybe be out of school by now. Heh. It kinda makes me want to go back and read Joyce again. I know he makes a lot of political references, but I was always more attracted to the spiritual dilemas that challenged ones faith. Eh, I guess politics at that time were a determining factor, especially when people start to pay more attention to the state than to God. But on that, I remembered one of the most striking images he ever wrote was at the very end of Ulysses when Mrs. Bloom was goin on and on and she starts talking about premarital sex and mentioned putting a dab of boisenberry jam on the sheets to make the man think his wife was a virgin.

Oh no, its really early morning and informercials are on now! It's funny, all health and fitness guru guys always look the same. They have those ripped muscles, tank tops, basbeball caps, and a long ponytail. Interesting observation. * Richard Simmons doesn't count. He's just a nut! *

I got my girlscout cookies in today. It sucks cos I didn't have the money for them, yet my boss requires that we buy things from his kids whenever they sell things for their schools. I know, it's bullshit, but I hafta kiss ass with hopes I might get a raise. I guess he hired like 2 new people. One guy is totally cool cos he has the biggest truck I ever saw in my life. The other is a meathead jock type. But he keeps hiring all these new people and I'm wondering like how we can do this financially because, last I heard, we weren't doing too well with the money. But then, we're getting all these new people. Like I said, hopefully, I'll see some of that money.

Lots of people can say money doesn't bring happiness. But they're usually people with a lot of money that never worked a day for what they have and tend to underappreciate things anyway. So if I had the money I would finish school, buy a house, and try to make a nice happy life for me.

Sometimes it's hard to learn things about people with aliases. Oddly enough, I have found some things on people who had an alias. It took me forever but I found information on them. But, my fascination isn't so much on historical events in their lives, but more so their emotions towards things. Of course it's never really done out of pure amusement but rather to place myself on some sort of scale as to how I would line up in the lives of others, hoping I am higher on the pedestool. I'm supposed to be a woman now, but everyone still treats me like that dumb little girl. I wonder about others and why they were treated like women but I'm treated like the little girl. What made me different?

In the long run it's a search to find myself for the moment. I can't do the little girl thing because I am too old for that now. Now I need to figure out how to be a woman. How to do things the grown up way. Life is scary. I'll need to move out one day and give up my codependency. In order to do that I need to quit lamenting over the past and things I cannot change or ignore. I need to accept the past for what it is and was: the past. That which will not be repeated... hopefully. And despite the fact they say actions speak louder than words those are lies because the words are the things that are burned in my memories, and they always come back to bite you in the ass. Sometimes I wish I never said things. Sometimes I wish others never said things. But I always will wonder what if?

I was thinking about a guy I knew in high school and I was wondering what if I went out with him instead of my sister? How would my life be different? Maybe my life wouldn't have been any different then than it is now?

Gee, my mind is all mixed up right now. There's so much going on and my thoughts are bouncing around like readings from John Edwards, who I question, because I know if I had that gift I would not be exploiting it on tv and getting paid for it, but rather doing it for free. If that is truly an ability he has, he's abusing it. Needless to say, I would be tormented if others used me as a medium... unless it were for someone I cared for and the message were important.

Eeeew ok my thoughts are getting weird. I should go to bed cos I'll only get 6 hours of sleep. Grrrr.... G'nite kids...