Tuesday, June 29, 2004

Hobbits and Mudbloods

My dad rented Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets and I watched it the other night and the dvd was in my room. He came in just now and was like "Can I take that hobbit movie back?" and I was like, "Dad, those aren't hobbits, those are wizzards." He was like "What's the difference aren't they the same thing?" And I was like, "No dad, a hobbit is in Lord of the Rings and they're little. Wizzards are like normal people just with magical powers. Hobbits have no magical powers" unless of course it were a magic hobbit I suppose??? So he was like "Well whatever those mudluck things" apparently he was refering to Hermoine who was a "mudblood" (not a pureblood wizzard). Why the hell am I explaining this? I was just being a smartass to my dad but now I sound like a loser. HAhahahah

Thursday, June 24, 2004

BF-GAY!!!


Sigh. I found out today that if I wanted to transfer to the design program I'd hafta become a BFA1 again and I wouldn't get any financial aid till I was a BFA3 again, or if I were lucky get accepted as a BFA2 and take 3 years to graduate. Bleh. There's another glimmer of hope, that being, they let me take design courses while I stay in the art department and I get art credits for them. Hrmf.

Aside from that piece of ass, I was bored and dyed my hair black again after ... God... years of not dying hair? Reason being, partially, when my roots were growing in, I was noticing "lighter" colored strands... Um, greys? Possibly. My dad went grey at 28 I take on his traits mostly with hair... thick on head and rest of the body. Heh. But hey! I also got my hair cut too. I rule balls! I only paid $7 cos I had a coupon... that includes a tip! Anyway, I took these cool pics. They're kinda Cindy Shermanesque. I'm basically being the monster coming out from under the bed. *snort*

Wednesday, June 23, 2004

ASS!!!!

So today I went in to find out about transfering to the design department, given I have 1.5 years to graduate. I would have to go back to being a BFA1 and I wouldn't get any financial aid until I'm a BFA3 again!!! Or, if I'm lucky, I could get accepted as a BFA2 and work my butt off. No thanks. Admissions is going to talk to the departments and see if I can take design courses and get art credits for them or something. I hope so. I mean, its not like its my intentions to bogart their classes, I only have a year and a half.... geez!!!!

Tuesday, June 22, 2004

Back in black...

I dyed my hair black again after not dying my hair in almost a year or so. It came out all wrong but it amuses me none the less. :) It's all calicoed like a guinea pig!!! theres splotches of brown and reddish brown and dark brown at random. I dunno. I was thinking of adding more brown to it or buying more black, but i kinda enjoy looking like a guinea wuinea. *shrug*

Bad Kitty!!!

I got mad at Baby Girl today cos she stole the Really Big Peanut. FOr those who don't know, the peanut was found in my bag of nuts at a Dodger game and it's really big so I kept it and it lives on my computer desk. She took it and I yelled at her, "No Baby Girl! Don't hurt the Big Peanut!"

Wednesday, June 16, 2004

No guns? Denied!

Ok, June has been pseudo hectic, but not like stressful hectic, but good busy fun hectic. I had a little weekend in Minnesota again. On the first day there, I went to the Science Museum of Minneaopolis or whatever it was called. It was fun. I didn't really get half the stuff they were trying to explain there but like most of it was supposed to be geared for 8 year olds but they straight up had like algabraic graphic equations and stuff there and I was like, "Ok, I'm like 22 and I can't get this right, how is an 8 year old supposed to get it?" One thing I did get, though, was the ability to make noise.

That night we bbq'd and it was all good. Then there was a tornado I guess but nowhere near us but we did have thunder. Yay! The next day I went to Mall of America and it was super fab. Apparently you can't bring guns there anymore. Lame. Later that night we went to Luce and I got some buffalo wings and a Minneapopolitain and they were playing Motorhead at the restaurant! Woo! And we finished the night by seeing Mclusky at First Avenue, which, according to Katrina, is where they filmed most of Purple Rain's concert sequences and stuff. That club was tiny as hell and funny cos you could buy a PBR there for under $3. I bought one for shits and giggles.

The next day I slept in and went back home.

Friday, June 4, 2004

sleep deprivation:sleeping :: contemplating death:dying (aka I'm a like a cell phone)

I used to think it was the caffeine from so much DrPepper, but for the past few months I've cut back greatly to the point where I dont drink any at all for days then I might have a glass or two or three at the most, but nothing harsh like I used to.

Anyway, I don't know if it's some sort of sick disorder or what, but I always think "there's never enough time in the day" and I've thought about what I would be like if I ever did any sorts of uppers in a positive and totally irrational outlook that I would be "so productive" (as if all the negative aspects wouldn't do anything to me! lol!)

But I don't need drugs or caffeine. No. See I have this weird thing where my body just naturally can stay awake for GREAT periods of time. I'm talking days if I really go at it. I've been getting to the point now where I don't go to bed till well after 2 am. I usually draw the line for computer time and "bedtime" at 1 am, which is when infomercials are on. I then spend the next few hours in bed awake (but I close my eyes because I don't want to see what happens when the lights go out.) But I sit there and think about random things. For some bizarre reason the number one issue that comes to mind isn't that of finances or family or friends or work, it's death. I sit and think about dying. I wonder how old will I be when I die? How will it happen? Will I spend years in a hospital or months or will it be quick? Will I be in a hospital prior to my death as a result of being old and having age related problems? What will happen when my family dies? What will happen if my husband dies? How will I react if my husband dies in his sleep in the same bed as me? Would I die after from a broken heart? What if a friend or loved one died as a result of someone else (ie car accident or something)?

I have this obsession with death. It happens always before I go to sleep. Sometimes my body starts to fall asleep before my mind does and I'll be lying in bed thinking of death when my breathing begins to slow down. My heart beat gets slower. My body numbs. Its like I'm in a deep sleep but my mind and everything else is totally aware of what's going on. Now, it's a VERY bizarre feeling being consious during that bodily down time because for me, literally I will take short shallow little breaths once every so many minutes (seems like anywhere between one and three minutes.) And within that time, my heartbeat gets so slow and shallow, that I can barely feel it. And in those minutes between the breaths as they get farther apart, I think, "This must be it. I must be dying now." Then, I start to freak out and I don't want to open my eyes because I'm afraid of what I'll see. I'm not too sure what I think I'll see, but I fear it. Suddenly I feel my heart rate start to speed up and my heart beats frantically. And it's funny because it takes my breathing a few seconds to get back to normal, but my heart can go from slow to fast in no time.

But thats ok.

I don't think about this every night. Just a lot and usually around certain times of the year. I think it's just some sort of anxiety related to my time in the hospital and deaths of loved one's of friends and so forth. But also a lot of it is due to the fact I would literally stop breathing when I was little and my mom told me of this when I was young and I always was afraid I would die in my sleep when I was little (little did I know then that that was how I would want to go later in life!!!)

Daryl Hannah's character said it so right in Kill Bill "Most of us don't have the privelage of dying in our sleep." So true. I've thought about what it would be like to die from a natural disaster, being eaten alive, shot, stabbed, falling off of something high, burning, you name it I've probably contemplated it. And in the same sense, after I think of what it would be like, I try to think about how I would make a split second decision to save my life. And then I wind up falling asleep.

Maybe it's not even about being productive. Maybe it IS about the fact there is so little time. I've lost 20 years of my life. I could go any day. I don't have enough time. Maybe I don't want to go to sleep for fear that it may be my very last slumber. What if everything I've been living in my life up to now has all been a dream and, what if I REALLY wake up and everything happens as if it were dejavu?

Why do I go out of my way to intentionally keep myself up so late at night, and then after designating myself a "sleep" time do I subconsciously choose to keep myself awak even longer till the point I give up and fall asleep?

I'm not too sure what the thing is with sleep or the obsession of thinking about death and dying, but it must suck to be old because I'm sure old people think about that only and frequently. I don't want to get to that point that I'm old and I think about death every day till I die. That would just be eew. Not fun.

I dunno. I kinda see this as a problem cos I think about it a LOT... but on the other hand, I don't see it as a problem because it hasn't affected my physical state other than the fact I dont sleep much.

I think when I get the time I'll stay up for a few days again and see how that helps me out. 4 years ago I found myself with a simliar problem: I wasn't able to sleep till really really late (like after 1 or 2 and I'd wake up for work around 6ish.) Anyway, one day I get this weird ass idea to see how many days I can stay up instead of saying its time for bed. I wound up staying awake and totally functional for 3.5 days. By the end of the last day, I started to feel kinda dizzy and decided, "Ok, I'm going to sleep." Maybe I'm like a cell phone. I mean, if you recharge me nightly I'll be kinda worn down the next day and die out. Sometimes I'll hafta be completely drained and then recharged in order to work right. Hmm... ok... I think I'm like a cell phone. I always knew I was something mechanical!!!

Anyway, I'm going to go to Catalina in 16 hours. I should go lay down now till I crash. Tonight... might be a night I can get some sleep. I feel kinda beat. Hey I rhymed. Im a poet! Damn I'm smooth!!!