Saturday, November 26, 2005

The Ghosts of Nippy and Nubby

As stated earlier my fish passed away last week (R.I.P. Nippy & Nubby.) Anyway I gave my tank and all my fish furniture and fish paraphanellia away. Much to my disappointment I find out that the new fish residents died the morning after they moved in! Rumor has it the tank is haunted by the spirits of Nippy and Nubby who do not want any other fish living in the tank. *snort*

Friday, November 25, 2005

Friday stuff...

Friday was a cool day. Stopped by the office for a little bit cos I was bored at home and needed to send a few files over. Then I met up w/ Nicki while she was down. We went on a chunty bike ride and sassed Lori at work. Then we ate pie and ice cream and watched Harry POtter cos we're nerds. Yay! Then Lori got off work and we took Nicki home and she took me to go out w/ her boys. We had pizza and beer at Robbie Mac's and then went to Jeffs where we drank some more and played pool. I met the bearded dragon, Little Casper, or Beardie as I have named him, and it was love at first sight! We bonded and like a nut I held him all night in between drinking. Good times good times... those people make me feel young again :)

Thursday, November 17, 2005

Oh look, I'm still up...

Almost 1 and I'm still up. Why? Why is it like this? Why do I find myself getting between 3 - 6 hours of sleep if you wanna call it that, each night? Why do I go to bed so late? Why do I sit awake for hours waiting to sleep? Attempting to sleep? Thinking about all the "what if's" and "what not's" of the days past, present, and future. Thinking about what ifs too much. Way too much. Plotting out ways to maximize my time and space. Ways to make things run smoothly. Maybe dying my hair a shade darker of red? Debating whether taking off before and after Thanksgiving is really a good idea? Maybe I don't have that much time? I should have thought that over earlier.

Anyway, I'm up. I'm here. Hi. Allow me to give you insight to my nights:

First off they're the most productive hours of my day. I get everything done at night. I don't do things during the day for various reasons:

Reason 1. Everyone does things during the day.
Reason 2. You never have to worry about waiting.
Reason 3. You don't have to worry about people getting in your way.
Reason 4. You don't have to worry about people complaining that you're doing something wrong or that you're going to break something because what they don't see won't hurt them and why not let them think they broke or screwed something up, right?

I become obsessed with lists at night. Lists are so awesome. I love the organization of numerical structure of processes. Wow. Lists.

After the matters of productivity are done, I usually call it quits between midnight and 2 am. I set the alarm clock. I go in bed. I think about what if's and what not's. I just think and think and think. Even in attempts at rest, I still think. I can't stop processing thoughts!

In my dreams I'm haunted by massive maze-like homes or communities. Always the same things. Walk into a room, walk into darkness, a dimly lit area, a doorway into another room into a hall into another room into a room I am not allowed into and pass by. There's always a room I am forbidden to go into no matter what house it is. Always different houses, always different rooms, always the one that's OFF LIMITS. And my intentions are to try and figure out how I can see these "off limits" areas. I long to explore that which is forbidden to me even though I am told not to or feel like I shouldn't.

Common themes: turbulent waves crashing upon beaches threatening to drown or wash out to sea. Floods with similar threats. Always a messy room to hide in from the waters. The riot of people attempting to burn everyone alive because we are not on their side. The man in the desert who stands like a scarecrow in a field in his dark green riding jacket and cold vacant eyes who whispers things and I hear them and it is always his voice I hear even when he is not around in dreams. I can talk to him through my thoughts but our conversations are slightly jumbled. He speaks quickly and repetatively on top of his words, so it is hard to understand what he says. Snakes. At least once a week a snake. Ghosts. Never any evil ghosts, but ghosts of people who have suffered because of others. Suffering in silence their memories remain in dreams of a stranger.

All these things that keep me awake in the night in between the several glances at the alarm clock and then when i do fall asleep i wake up in a cold sweat trying to remember, Did I set the alarm? Check and mate. back to bed. some few minutes later Wait did I just dream that I checked that? better check again. yea it's cool.

Then that minute when your body is so tired but your brain is running a million miles a minute and your body shuts down into sleep mode before your brain and you can feel your body slowing down and shutting down and your heart beats suddenly out of fear that you are awake to feel yourself dying. Your breathing becomes slow almost to a point of stopping. Your heart does the same. But your brain comprehends awake time and is wondering why the body is going into down time. Granted this is a thought of someone who was aware of their body swelling up to the point of near asphyxiation a mere 3 years ago so thoughts of death plague my mind frequently. This is why we are not friends with Reglan, see?

And joy its so cold I shivver in my room no matter how many layers of clothes I have but I can feel my body aching and no matter what I do there's no point in trying to sleep yet. It just won't happen.

Granted, you see me, I am awake. I am existing. I am probably having somewhere between 3 and 6 hours of sleep depending if its a good night or not. My eyes carry a lot of luggage but I do not care because there are worse things in the world than your appearance. I am being consumed...

Wednesday, November 16, 2005


Yawn. So I'm sitting here thinking about things that are wrong or weird with me and I'm compiling a list: I can't sleep in a bed that isn't fixed. I will fix a bed and then sleep in it no matter how late it is or how drunk I am, I just do it. Otherwise I cannot sleep properly. I feel obligated to tell dreams to people if they're in them. I feel like by NOT telling them what happens in the dream, I'm somehow betraying them. What the hell is that all about!? Closet weirdness: All hangers on racks must have the open ends facing to the left for easy right-handed removal. All unoccupied hangers must be removed from their previous locations and stored on the unoccupied hanger rack. Hanging items on the right side of the closet go from right to left : formal gowns/dresses, costumes, winter jackets, casual pants, work pants, skirts, dresses, robes. If anything is placed back in an impropper order I freak out. Socks and underwear are always the first thing to be folded. I separate laundry by tops and bottoms, not lights and darks. I always use less milk and more margarine when I make maccaroni and cheese. I really like the spirals and I call it maccaroni and squiggles. I often have fantasies of running away and leaving my entire life behind me to go to far-off places and start a new life there as a different person with no past just a future. I settle frequently. I keep keys even though they don't have locks to go into anymore. Sometimes I need a hug. Sometimes people need hugs. Either way I love to give and receive a good hug. on that.. I love comfortable people. I hate when you hug someone and they're all boney and it feels like their bones are stabbing you. Or like you feel like you just got a bruise from their bone poking you... I may go to sleep a t a normal time tonight.

Monday, November 14, 2005

The Big AZ...

Let me start off my saying, I HATE NASCAR!!!

Ok, here goes:

Friday I have Javi take me to get Jeepie from maintenance. They didn't finish him on time and I leave around 6 pm California time. I enjoy my drive, seeing a funny sign in the 909 that looks like the yellow signs in San Diego of the border crossing family but it says above it CAUTIONIZZLE and below something about the number one morning show bla bla bla 96.something. I laughed my ass off!!! Then I made a stop off in Beaumont at Baker's for a snack and a pee. There's this gnarly bloody vomit in the toilet and I take a pic and send it to some people. Then it's back to the road for a drive where I stop off in Blythe for gas. Lo and behold I am presented by the same bloody vomit in a toilet 2 hours away! Amazing! Some 2 hours later and now around 1 am Arizona time, I get to Phoenix.

After driving around lost for another 15 or 20 minutes I find my hotel. Here's why I hate NASCAR: when I go to check in I am informed my room is not available. I question why and the girl has a blank face and then get this genius idea of telling me she shows me as being booked for the next weekend. I get grumpy and inform her I called Thursday to confirm my stay and they said it was booked, etc. She tells me I can have someone else's room if they don't show up by 2 am. I think, "Hmm... sounds like they did this to ME so some white trash NASCAR fan from Blythe can get a room and they probably charged them double for it!" So I go to another hotel.

I finally did find a place that charged me nearly $300 to stay 2 nights!!! I only had a couple of bucks to my name for the weekend and half of that was going to be used on gas to get back home!!!

But all was good. I took a shower and braided my hair and flipped the channels for a few hours before going to bed around 4 am Arizona time. 5 hours of half-assed sleep later I decided to start my day and head out to the Superstition Mountains.

I then have a moment of anger: all my directions are from my old hotel. Fortunately I'm staying right off the 10 so I call the place and get directions and all is good. I stop off at the Superstition Mountain museum first and parooze. They had some cool old artifacts and stories. I asked if I could hike around the mountains and the guy says I would be better off going down to the Superstition Mountain national park 3 miles down. Joy! So I head out and lo and behold 1 mile before the park EUREKA! GOLDFIELD GHOST TOWN!

That's right, leave it to me to intentionally or unintentinally find a ghost town in a desert! I spent a few hours at Goldfield walking around. Went on a horse ride in the desert on Skipper, a nice big brown horse who liked stopping to pee, poop, and eat random desert foliage. I went on their mine tour which was kinda sad cos it wasn't the original Mammoth Goldmine, but a replica. Apparently the original Mammoth Goldmine is now hidden under a lake, but there's still gold in there. Talk about a scuba adventure!!! Then I went to their reptile exhibit and the guy let me hold the kingsnake there and we were talking snakes and I told him about The Herp and asked about how he cared for the rattlers and it was just nice.

Anyway, around 3 I decided to call it quits at Goldfield and go back onto my original destination of the Superstition Mountains. I park, and hike. Alone. I should have brought my flashlight but that didn't occur to me when I left. After I reached as high as I could get in my heeled cowboy boots (another bad idea), I enjoyed the scenery for half an hour and decided to trek back down. Ok, like I said, hiking in heeled cowboy boots is VERY bad. I can't even tell you how many times I was scared shitless I could fall off the side of the mountain if I would slip or something. But I made it down ok. Then a new problem came up: I had to get back to my car. I had to trek through maybe a mile of desert to get from the parking spot to the car, and there was no real trail on my path. I tried to recognise cactus to find my way but that wasn't very effective. I wound up lost in a vast flat land and I was losing daylight quickly. I had 15 minutes to find my car before the sun was gone and all the weird night creatures of the desert would come out. This means possibilities of mountain lions, bobcats, coyotes *and not those little coyotes we got out here, they got some BIG coyotes!* and maybe a rattler. Fortunately, I see some teenagers dickin around and think: people=trail. I run to them only to find no trail. I start walking around frantically until I find what looks like it may be a possibility. I question it because it takes me farther out into the desert but I go anyway. Gut instinct. Fortunately it did lead me back to my car and never have I ever been happier to see my car then I was at that moment.

My feet were shot from sweating and socks and friction so there's a bunch of blisters on me but that's fine. I stopped off at this bunk little gas station where the pay and pump was on the honor system. They also had the rudest employees there. But it's cool cos I got like $8 of free gas! After that I headed back to my hotel whilst singing along to Van Halen and drink Dr Pepper and chompin on Flaming Hot Cheetos (yea funny ha!) Took a shower and met up for a dinner at a overtly California-esque seafood restaurant. The food was good, but I prefer southwest food when I'm in the southwest... After dinner I caught some Monty Python and called it a night.

Sunday morning I wake, pack, and head out to Mystery Castle. I was sort of let down there. I was hoping for more and the ability to walk around all 18 rooms but we only really got to go into 10 of them. But I do admire the story of it. It's a story of sadness and totally sounds like something I would do: a guy found out he had TB and was terminally ill so he leaves his wife and daughter and builds this 18 room castle in the middle of Arizonza. Before dying of cancer he writes a letter to his daughter, who has hasn't seen since he left, nor contacted, and tells her she is going to inherit his castle. This comes to a suprise to the girl who thinks her father has abandoned her and left the family with nothing. In the purgatory room under a trap door he has hidden for her 2 $500 bills, photos of him, and some gold (there was some sort of deal with the government when he got the land about it being over a mining area and he patented the land or something so he owns all that and I'm not too sure that part of the information was kinda foggy.) Anyway, he never did die of TB, but cancer. His daughter now lives there. I met her. She's really old. Now she lets people do tours of the place. She used to do weddings in the altar room and the tradition was that anyone who got married there had to stand between the two snakes for good luck and protection (some sort of indian tradition) and then the bride would have to leave a shoe as a sign she was married there haha. I loved the strange stories and how absolutely ahead of his time the builder was to put things like skylights, roll away beds, hide away beds, organic architecture, etc. So it is amazing the work this guy did. I'm just sad I couldn't see more and that I could only look w/ the tour guides.

After Mystery Castle, I headed back home. I stopped off in Ehrinberg (sp?) and waited nearly 15 minutes just to get gas! Got this really disgusting burger at Wendy's. Decided not to eat at Wendy's ever again and headed back to California.

Did I enjoy Arizona? Sure. Would I go back? Definately. Do I hate NASCAR? You fuckin bet I do!

Sunday, November 13, 2005

E. 2

Crosses To Bear

Everyone is always put in a situation they don't like at one time or another. The question presenting itself is, at what point do you stop carrying the weight of the world on your shoulder?

Do some people have the ability to point out the Simon's of the world?

I seem to always be placed in the role of carrying people's burdons. I've been told too many things by too many people. I bear more crosses than I know what to do with. I am not that strong. I cannot carry these on my own. I feel some people should carry their own crosses. But is it my place to tell them this? Or is this something they should just expect? I know in my heart what my decisions would be, but I question whether you would do the same if you were in my shoes? Perhaps what doesn't make me fall only makes me stronger? Sometimes you just can't avoid a bad situation.

Why the desert? Why THIS desert?

There are some things in life you learn from doing things and some things you learn from contemplating things. So sitting 500 feet above where you start out you can see the world around you. To your left, civilization. To your right, opportunities. Straight ahead the land where your civilized meets your opportunist. (Read: pros and cons.) The land of opportunities seems so vast and open. There is nothing claimed and so much can be done to it. Yet civilized lands are already made up, everything exists, and is working. It may not always be the best, but it is there and it's not going away. The land where both worlds collide is a mess. It is a visual of why you cannot have both worlds existing in one place. To put matters simply: they just don't work. There's places where it looks like it works but if you seriously SERIOUSLY look at it, it DOES NOT work. In life you need to realize which side you fall upon and by sitting up there some 500 miles up, I realize I am a civilization. I may not always be content with things, but I know what is there is there and it's not going away. I like the certainties of life. I like knowing what's around corners. I don't like surprises. I'm a good person with good ethics and moral values and it's not a crime. Could I ever be an opportunist? Not sure. I don't think I have what it takes to live the life of not knowing whether I can succeed beyond all means or fail to no end. Fear of the unknown may keep me from opportunities. Deserts. They JUST make sense.

Sunday, November 6, 2005


The rainy season is coming to wash away our burdons we left in the deserts to rot under the sun. A clean slate will be set up for the next year. I made a teaser trip this weekend to Yermo and a quickie before Mojave. There will be the "real" trip in a matter of weeks.

Wednesday, November 2, 2005

Testing the waters

I had a dream last night that is different from my normal dreams of water. In the past when I have a water dream it is always of tension and a fear of the waters engulfing you. This time it was different. It wasn't a torrential ocean or a murky lake, but a clear lagoon. It was beautiful. I was not hurt. It was perfect. There was this lagoon and I jumped into the water head first without being able to see in there at first. Then when I was in, there were things around me, jellyfish, sharks, but they did not hurt me. They didn't want to. They did their thing and I did mine. We coexisted. I swam out into the depths of the waters away from the shore and back again. When I got out I walked along the coastlines of houses. There was a continuation of the lagoon on the other side of the houses with little piers leading into the water. The water touched the tips of some of the piers making my feet wet, but it was nice. The water was a crystal clear blue. There was a calico bass below. I called over my sister to see "her friend" the fish. It was all perfect and wonderful. She was hanging over the side and had her leg bit by a nurse shark. It struk me as odd but I knew it was an accident. Even as her blood dripped into the water and she climbed back up, it was still perfect and calm. Then we decided we would fish for the sharks. I threw out my line. Others threw their lines out as well. One got a bite and reeled in and I cast out towards the direction he casted. Sure enough I got a bite too! I reeled in and our lines got tangled. He lost his fish but mine was still there. It felt so heavy like it would be a gigantic shark, but I brought to the surface a weird fish that looked almost like an eel. It was heavy, but not really. There was also a sloppy room in a house. I don't recall much of that house, other than leaving it to go back to the waters. In the past, I have always retreated to the indoors of creepy houses for fear of waters outside. I now have control. I no longer fear what's in front of me.