Monday, February 27, 2006
Sunday, February 26, 2006
Notorious for polar opposites, I am a queen of spontaneous randomness at times. Lori was home with me Saturday after an early ended night of drinking Friday. Like I said, polar opposites: I drag her out Friday for drinks and karaoke all psyched only to say around 11 I'm tired, cranky, and wanna go home. Musta been the purple cadillacs or something.
Saturday after sleeping past the hang over, Lori wants breakfast and I say HEARTS!!! You know Hearts, right? The shotty little diner by my house circa 1979? We go there and wonder why service is ass. I get this thing that looks and tastes just wrong. But that's ok. At least I didn't get toast with mold growing on it and hair in my butter like Lori did!!!
After Hearts we drive a while trying to figure out something. I say we should go to Lake Balboa cos I really wanna go fishing and I'm desperate so whatever...either that or Leo Carillo tide pools. Lori says how about Castaic? I say YES!!! But then we decide by the time we do that it'll be too late and I say screw it rent a tent and ask if they have a site open. Then it hits us: we're going camping at Leo Carillo.
Our drive takes us to my Sport Chalet in West Hills where we rent 2 tents, a stove, a lantern, and get some propane. While there I get a bad feeling in my stomache and take a dump. We agree to never eat at Hearts again. Then we call the Captain and he get his kid and the four of us wind up trompin down to the beach around 7ish. Lori and I get there first and we set up camp. We chat girl talk for a while. Good times.
After Craig and his son show up with McDonalds we grub and take in a night of fishing for a few hours. I let them in on the hot spot (which I only know of cos of gathering information on how to get SCUBA certification lol!!!) We all caught stuff and it was loads of fun!!! Although I got a rock in my shoe and it scraped my skin off and that hurts ugh!!!
I go to bed early and they munch on clam chowder and make smores. It's too cold so I sleep in my Jeep like a pussy. But I gotta say it's pretty comfy to sleep in!
The next day we went out fishing in the morning for a few hours. I got a sunburn. Oh yes, and a bee stung me. Now as a kid I was allergic to bees. Fortunately Lori rocked her skills and got my stinger out. But for the now some 12 hours later my finger is still swollen and hurts. Oh well. At least I can breath properly!!! Craigs son got his leg busted up while climbing a rock covered in mussels. That sucked. Neosporin was a plenty for us all ha!!!
After that we went to Neptunes Net for lunch. Went back to the campsite after and slept for a while. Cleaned up, checked out. Ended spontaneous camping trip. Good times, good times. Just in time for the storm coming in. So IN YOUR FACE STORM HA!!!!
Saturday, February 18, 2006
Ok, so when things happen at the time you don't know what they're about, especially at the time they occur. The only thing you do know is that it is so weird it is burned into your mind and you remember it vividly : color for colork place for place word for word and so on.
Up until I was 7 or so, a shadow used to watch me as I would sleep. I was afraid of him and I would hid under my covers all night. I was afraid to go pee at night because of the shadow over my bed. Then one night he went away.
When I was 15, someone used to snore on Lori's bed. I thought it was her snoring until one night she wasn't home and the snoring was still going on. I walked to the door thinking it was my dad but realized the sound was coming from her side of the room. It was in the place of her bed.
When I was 18 lights would turn themselves on in my room and doors would openon their own when my parents were out of town.
Then one night I had a dream. It started one night and concluded for 2 more nights as if some sort of extensive dream. I met a man who wanted to watch me till I die. He was rather cryptic, but for whatever reasons, he decided to come to me in dreams.
He still comes to me in dreams some 5 years later after other strange occurances including grabbing my feet when I'm going to bed, playing with the dog toys when I cook, turning on battery opperated tooth brushes, and sitting in my room with me or driving through canyons with me. For those of you who don't know him, his name is Huvvik. He's from Norway. He's my guardian. He cares about me and when I was 18 I realized I care about him too. I learned to no longer fear him, as it took me a while to come to terms with his presence in my life, but I know he is here to watch me. In so many ways we are the same person. We want what we can never have... all the while it continued to snow...
* * *
This is a writing I found on an old disc of the dreams of me meeting Huvvik before I knew who he was. I am so excited to have stumbled upon this!!!
* * *
it all started out weird......
*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~* FuZzY * DrEaM * SeQuInCe * ThInGy*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*
ok, so i wake up this mornin after having this whacked dream about this man who nobody liked cos he had like this vortex thing. it was like a box and he kept people in it. and we got in this argument and he tried to kill me, but then i begged for mercy and he said he would grant me no harm if i followed his orders. next thing i know, this black hole opens in the ground as he pokes his cane to the floor, moves it in a circle and spreads open the hole. "jump in" he tells me. i ask "where does it go to?"
"down there" he says, pointing to a bunch of people swirling around as if caught in a whirlpool.
"im scared to."
"its not that bad. not as bad as what will happen if you dont go in there. now jump" so, im really scared cos it seems to go down like forever, but i jump in. i then find myself in my room. it is like dusk and my bed is on the other side of the room.
"odd." i think. "i wonder what that was all about?"
next thing i know, i turn around and he is there, standing behind me. i gasp. "what do you want?"
he stands there silent with a grim look on his face. "pitty." he says. "normally i do not take them so young. and you have so much time left."
now i am sure he is going to kill me. "please make it fast to bear me as little pain possible."
he looks at me confused. "what do you think i am going to do to you? kill you?" i nod. he laughs. "poor thing." he caresses the side of my face as i look at him.
"you arent going to kill me?"
"then what is it you want from me?" i fear he will say sex.
not the answer i was fearing, but it left me confused. "if you want nothing of me, then why are you here?"
"i want to tell you what i want of you." he has done a beautiful job of completely confusing me.
"i just want to watch you" he says.
"watch me doing what?"
"i want to see you live your life."
"why that thing about you not taking them so young?"
"i like to see people die." he replies. "but i do not want to see you die. you are too young."
"where do you watch?"
"when i open my box, i can see you , but you cannot see me. do not fear to change the way you live your life." i think yeah right. he paces around me, as if inspecting me for flaws.
"so is this a hobby of yours?"
"will you ever let me go?"
"of course i will." he says. "but you cannot return home ever. im sorry. you are my property now."
"property? what am i, a house?"
"you signed the contract."
"what contract? i never signed anything!"
"then you told me so yourself."
"so they say." he smiles a coy smile."its enough for me."
just then, my mom walks in and hands me the phone. "its for you." she then walks out. he is now sitting on my bed looking at me. i hold the phone and look at the now shut door then at him as he looks at me.
"well?" he says.
i look at him. he points to the phone. he whispers "remeber, im not here."
i hold the phone and i hear my friend's voice over the reciever repeating "hello" and "are you there?" over and over.
he lays down on my bed and crosses his feet as to become more comfortable.
finally i say "hello?"
"whats wrong with you? think you took long enough?"
"sorry. i was thinking about something."
"are you ok?"
"yeah, im ... im fine."
"are you sure? its ok, you can tell me."
"i think im just a little sick." i look at him laying down on my bed as he watches me. why wont he leave? "i keep seeing things."
"ha ha.youre such a dork."
"i keep seeing this man. hes lying on my bed."
"yes, he has a black riding jacket and olive green slacks with shinny black shoes and a cane."
he whispers "not olive, pine!"
"you said you wouldnt interfere with me!" i yelled at him.
"are you ok?" she asked me.
"im sorry. hes correcting me saying that his pants are pine green."
"ok, ive known you to do weird things before, but this is just strange."
"please, you must believe me! hes ruining my life... and he just got here!"
"ok. thats nice. im gonna go eat now. bye." she hangs up.
i hang up the phone and hold it to my side. i stand there with my back facing him for a moment, then i turn around and walk over to his side.
"tell me agian why you are doing this to me?"
he sits up and takes hold of my hand. "tell me, do you like the circus?"
"do you like the circus? maybe i shall take you there. come."
before i can do anything, i find myself back on the same street which he became my rightful owner. he then disappears and i am stranded there. i try to leave, but i find myseld shackled to the fence. then, a big elephant drawn carraige comes down the street and he is driving it all dressed up like a ringmaster. inside the cage are hideously misfigured people and beasts. i felt as if i were in one of bosch's paintings. then, a big lizzard type monster comes down from the hill. it kills or mutilates everything in its path. i see bodies flying around and blood spilling everywhere. it then comes up to me and looks me in the eye. i recognise those eyes. i try not to move but it comes closer. i pet it softly on his head. its eyes roll back and close as if in a state of euphoria. i keep petting it even though i feel as if i should stop. it opens its eyes agian and keeps looking at me. i smile and keep petting it. i feel warmth around my ankles and notice a bloody drool at my feet. it lies down and i kneel down next to it. suddenly, i find myself sharing its euphoria as i gently keep stroking it. i feel special seeing as it killed so many people, yet i wont kill me. i feel as it if loved or appreciated my kindness. it lets out this calm sigh as it falls asleep. when i notice it is alseep, i kiss it on the forehead and curl up under its claws to join him.
i am awaken by the cold. i open my eyes and see myself in the same place but my friend, has moved onward. however, i see him.
"are you always that nice to things that try to kill you?" he asks sarcastically.
"aside from you, no one has ever tried to kill me before."
"nor would they."
"we're all potential victims."
"yes, but i am the only one that wants you dead."
"yes, i suppose. do you think that lizzard wanted to kill me?"
"of course he did. but then he learned to love you."
"i have a way with the animals."
"no. you are the only person that has ever tried to kill me before."
"why did you beg for mercy?"
"because i was hoping you would give in."
"why not the kind hand?"
"animals do not know better."
"people are animals."
"but that does not justify their actions."
"what do you really want of me?"
"i want you to die... but not yet."
"why do you want to see me dead so badly?"
"you angered me."
he becomes silent as if thinking. he thinks for an awfully long time.
"well?" i ask.
"well, it was what you said."
"well, it wasnt as much what you said as the way you said it..."
"how was that?"
"oh, i cant tell you! not now. you wouldnt understand."
"im sorry for angering you agian."
"you do that well... angering me."
"you just have a short fuse. i can try to learn to deal with it."
he tilts his head and looks at me standing in the shackles under the blue moonlight. snow starts to fall lightly in small flakes. he picks one as it falls and looks at it.
"have you ever seen such a lovely thing?"
"i have never seen the snow." i reply.
"maybe you should. look "
i look as the snow falls, capturing the blue light and reflecting it like a bunch of tiny crystals falling from the sky.
"they are beautiful."
he smiles that coy smile again, then kneels besides me.
"did you like my circus?"
"im sorry. i did not like it."
"why is that?"
"your elephant seemed morose and your freaks were very grotesque. they all frightened me."
"you do not like to be scared?"
"you find no pleasure in fear?"
"perhaps you find it in pain. does pain please you?"
"what do you like then?"
"i like happy things."
"what would make you happy?"
"to have my life back... without you."
at that, he stood up and walked off, stopping a few feet ahead of me. he looked down at the floor and turned back around looking at me shackled to the fence, curled up to keep warm.
"i am sorry," he said," but that i cannot give you."
"i know." i assured him.
he stood there looking at me with an agonizing look on his face. all the while it continued to snow.
"do you like sorrow?"
"sometimes." i said.
"is my sorrow enough to make you happy?"
i looked at him angrily and said plainly and clearly, "NO."
"what do you want then?"
"what i want i cannot have."
he walked back and sat down besides me, all the while it continued to snow.
"tell me, for a change of pace, what do you like?"
"i like to see people die."
"aside from that?"
"i like to see people suffer."
"aside from that?"
"i like to see people in pain."
"aside from that?"
"i like to see people in fear."
"aside from that?"
"i like to see people sad."
i sat next to him as he answered me word for word as if he knew what i were to ask next, all the while it continued to snow.
"tell me, for a change of pace, how would you feel?"
"no, no, how would you feel?"
"how would you feel if?"
"if you were that person?"
he cups his hands over his face as he starts to cry in agony.
"why do you like to treat others like that?"
he puts his head on his knees and continues his sobbing, all the while it continued to snow.
"there, there..." i reassure him as i pat him on the back.
"why?" he says as he looks up.
"i want what i cannot have."
"i know your pain all too well." i tell him.
"i do it because i can. but what i want, i cannot have."
"so you do this because you can do it?"
"yes." he continues to sob.
then it becomes all to familiar. those eyes and the fear and the sadness. it was all the same. all the while, it continued to snow.
"you would like to go home now, wouldnt you?"
"i would like to see the world first."
"you must rest. you have a lot to do."
i was not aware of any plans i had made.
"we shall think of something to do."
"will we get to see the world?"
he stood up.
"perhaps another day."
i smiled as he helped me up.
"of course, my dear."
with that, he took his cane out of his jacket and flicked my shackles off my feet. after that, we walked down the street. the snow was everywhere, except for in the road, which was all bloody. we walked the street all night, stopping every now and then to look at the snow.
"what would make you happy?" he asked again.
"i would like to dance."
"would you like to dance with me?"
"yes." i said.
we then started dancing in the bloody street under the blue moonlight while the stars shined like a chandalier. all the while it continued to snow.
"would you like to go home now?" he asked.
"where would you like to go?"
"i want to go to the park." i said.
we then walked down the bloody street to the park. all the while it continued to snow.
we then played on the swings and in the sand for a while in under the light of the blue moon.
"tell me, for a change of pace, why you are here?" i asked.
"yes. you said you wanted to watch, but you are here."
"what i want, i cannot have."
"i know your pain too well." i said.
"you seem so happy."
"then i made you sad."
"but now youre happy?"
"yes. i am."
"so then i am happy."
"i made you smile?"
"yes, you did."
"but you like pain and sorrow and fear and death."
"that was before you made me happy."
"so then you do not wish to keep me as your property no longer, yes?"
"no. i wish to keep you forever!"
"but you cannot!"
"YES, AND I WILL!"
"no! if you do that, i shall become sad."
"then so would i."
"but then you would not smile."
"i never did."
"but i made you smile."
"then i shall always smile" he said. "you will always be with me!"
"but i want to go home!"
"then we shall go home."
"i want to go home... alone!"
"and i will not let you do so."
"and all because you can."
i then walk off, free, but i am drawn back around. i walk back to him and take his hand.
"come. it is cold. you cannot stay out in this weather or you shall die."
"i like to see people die." he said as he sat on the swing.
"i do not. come."
he would not come.
he stayed there.
"what i want i cannot have."
"i know your pain all too well."
"i do. now please come with me before you get sick."
"why do you do this to me?" he asked.
"pretend to care about me."
"i am hoping..."
he cocks his eyebrow.
"that if i care about you..."
he looks at me.
"you shall do the same."
"i want what i cannot have."
"and i know your pain all too well."
"i cannot have your affection."
"why is that?"
"because it is selfish."
"what if it were not?"
"i know it is. you cannot lie."
"i just want to go home."
"you cannot go."
"you want what you can never have."
"yes. you know my pain all too well."
"i also know..."
"that you can never have what you want..."
"because you are not willing to give it up."
"so you see."
"no, i observed."
"that is too bad for you."
"as well as yourself."
"are you pittying me?"
"dont pitty me!"
"but i must. you can never have affection because you are not willing to give any."
"so you say... you are artful girl."
"come, lets go onward, shall we?"
"as you wish."
so we walked on and on in the blue light of the moon down the bloody street, all the while it continued to snow.
"here you go" he said. "i shall leave you now."
"where will you go to?"
"i will go away."
"you cannot leave me... not like this."
"i am letting you go home. is that not what you wanted?"
"what shall happen to you? will i ever see you again?"
"will you ever see me?"
he then walked me up to my doorstep.
"i will not be watching you. i cannot take you so young."
he stood there, as he did when we were in my room, looking at me. i trembled in his presence and stood on the steps, slightly higher than him.
"i will remember you." he said.
"as will i with you." i then kissed him on the forehead and he disappeared into a flame before my eyes. i stood there for a moment gazing where he once stood. where the streets were bloody and the moon was blue, all the while it continued to snow. and i walked out to where this all was, and found myself alone in the middle of my street. there was no snow there was no blood there was no one around at all. the only thing that stayed the same was the blue light of the moon.
*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~* YoU * CaN * RuN * BuT * YoU * CaNt* HiDe*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*
i walk outside at dusk, alone,
seeing as no one is home
and barely under a sky thats lit
i see a man as he sit
across the street
hands at feet.
that grim stare
i know its there
and as i exit out the door
i know ive seen that face before.
that face so grim
could only be him
the one who did say
he went away
and as he burn
never to return
i wonder how
he sits here now.
"i thought you died!" i said in shock.
"why do you pretend to care?"
"well, i saw you burst into flames."
"aside from that i can change forms."
"to be what?"
"i can be whatever i want to be."
i become silent. why would he say that. then it hits me. maybe he was the lizzard. but then i become scared. what else could he have been?
"tell me,"i asked, " what have you all been?"
"why should i tell?"
"because i asked."
"because that is not a good enough reason."
"will you tell me anyway?"
silence pervails one more time
but then it is broken by words.
forkd tongues and wretched grime
overlapping whats heard.
"why then, have you returned?"
"to watch you... as i promised."
"i thought you said you woudn't do that any more."
"so i did... but that was then, this is now."
"what do you mean?" i asked.
"i mean to say, that was just for that night."
he then becomes silent.
"what do you mean?"
he says nothing.
he still says nothing.
"why are you doing this?"
i watch as his eyes turn from green to black. i see grey clouds moving through his eyes, swirling around as if in a storm.
"so you will not listen to me?"
he says nothing.
"or are you listening, but not speaking."
he turns to stone before my eyes.
"oh dear..." i slowly back away. just then, a car comes and is about to hit me.....
the world becomes still.
to my knees i drop,
from the stone disguise
he takes my hand and sees i make it inside my house.
"good night my dear, sleep well."
he tucks me into bed
and kisses me on the forehead.
as he turns off the light
and leaves me for the nigth.
and now, safe in bed i lie,
wondering when he will see me die.
~~*~~*~~*EsCaPiNg * ThE * ReLmS * Of * ThE * PrOmIsEd * LaNdS*~~*~~*~~
in a desert, far away,
the fires burn effervescent.
and in the lands where dead men play,
the town is wan and vacant.
if you dare to come inside,
wait in line consenting.
and if the rules you not abide,
the truth comes unrelenting.
wait to see what misery flows
when shallow waters evaporate.
and shade is now a memory
as plants no longer exfoliate.
as we walk wander
we reach out for
and as we fall to
you want to go home. we drive you home to your house in the desert, only instead of being on the street, it looks more like an indian reservation. there is your house. it appears to be the only house surrounded by a shanty town. a public shower is running; held up behind a circular standing curtain.
"great, theres a long line." you say.
"oh well. you can just use the one in your house." i reply.
"no, its being used right now."
"thats ok, i'll wait."
walkin round deserted streets
heat seeps through my chilld feet
and as a heated wind blow
a feeling of unknown horror grows.
hark! a figure lies ahead
maybe a tree?
maybe a scarecrow?
a man that is dead?
i approach the shadowed man. it is him. he is back. this time, it is i who paces around him as if inspecting him for flaws.
"so you have come back?" i ask.
i keep pacing.
"what is it you want?"
"i came back to get you."
"i thought we spoke of this already."
"and we agreed i was free."
"you did. i want you back."
"you cant have me!"
"and i can!"
"no you cant. its in the contract."
"you said so yourself."
"so you said."
a look of disgust
on his face
his eyes rust
just like the place.
from golden brown
to dirty red
the crusted ground
flakes like bread.
"its enough for me."i say.
there is a long silence.
"you are a tricky person." so he tells me.
as i continue to walk my pace
i look him over
i see his face
and as i walk about the ground
make my notes
make my rounds
i crow caw out so very loud
and flies right by
amongs the clouds
and of the faintest whisteling lark
in his eyes
the skies grow dark.
"why have you really returend?" i ask.
"to come get what i can never have." he says once more.
"a needle in a haystack or water in the desert?"
"if you really want it, you will be willing to look for it... no matter how long it takes."
his meaning was vague.
analyse his ominous words.
what did he mean by what he said?
something that i hadnt heard.
something that he failed to mention
when i failed to pay attetion?
"intersting." i say.
"why is that so?"
"for, before, you are convinced to take.
you want what you can never have.
you think you can steal and it will be ok.
so you make your earnings by what you can grab."
"some call it a living."
"i call it criminal."
"so that makes me a villain?
and you smile at that?"
Wednesday, February 15, 2006
sausages to try out. The Herp was uninterested in them. I tried to
offer them to him a few different times but he wants his mice.
Anyway, I didn't hold him yesterday but I hold him every day pretty
much and today when I went to try and give him his food I noticed he
had these two knots near his spine on the back 1/3 of his body.
Granted he's still pretty young only 7 months and 22" long. My sis,
who is used to dealing with snakes after working for a Petco 7 years
checked to see if he had any mites when I told her of the lumps. SHe
said it might be some sorta spine condition and to get it looked at.
So I called my local vet and they said it didn't sound life
threatening but to come in tomorrow. I'm just worried. The last time
I saw a snake like that was this albino corn at a Petco 2 years ago
who I named Lumpy and wanted to buy, but he wound up dying cos he had
whatever the spine condition was my sister said. Has anyone had any
issues with lumpy bumps on their snakes that feel like they have
round little stones under their skin (these bumps feel like they're
about 4-6 scales wide... not like a food bump but like litterally
like theres little balls under his skin!!!) I'm just so worried cos
I'm still a new snake mommy and I haven't even had my little guy long
enough to have serious drama happen!!! He's seriously the sweetest
little guy (or girl?) and I would hate to have to lose him so early
in life. If anyone has had success with such situations and can offer
some words of wisdom please!!! help!!!