Saturday, March 25, 2006

The Ghost Returns

Sometimes do you forget you even exist? I do. I have been spending the last few days oblivious to my own existance. Like I'm just floating along. Maybe it's the strep/tonsilitis combo making me tired and sick. I just feel blah. Wow. Myspace recognizes blah as a feeling. Good.

Tuesday, March 14, 2006

Jenny and the characters of her life and mind

Its one of those days you give it your all and your all is only equivalent to 20%. You disappoint those who are dearest to you and you can't understand why you aren't capable of doing more when you know clearly you are. The only way to keep from spending another hour in the bathroom crying hysertically is to tell yourself you're worthless and to get your ass back to work... OR ELSE. I am my own boss/employee and right now I am very mad at my employee. I am mad at the point of firing my employee. Employee half is overworked, over stressed, and all out over exhausted. Boss half steps in and is nice at first. Tries to be understanding and sympthetic. Take a deep breath. It's ok. Get some water on your face. The cold water feels good on your numbed knuckles which are clawed up from trying to get a hold of yourself. You compose yourself and get back to work. The boss and employer are working together as a comprehensive pair. Jenny picks up an order and asks, "How could I have fucked this up? So simple, so stupid. Why are you so stupid? Where is your brain? You used to be so smart, what happened?" Almost like reflections of that pain you feel growing up when you're a straight-a student and come to realize you are no longer perfect and you get a c.. or a d... a feared F for failure. Raul asks a question, simple, you answer "I don't know." The truth. Not that you're giving up, not that you didn't look, just you flat out don't know. You need to look into it. But oh, that failure. You are so not perfect. Hello, Mr. Boss Man is back screaming at the employee "ARE YOU SOME KIND OF IDIOT!? WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU!?" Mentally scolding the employer half of the brain, thorughouly making that which is non-recognizable and non-comprehensive a whirlpool of a mess. I might as well be reading Klingon... once again it is back to the covetted bathroom, collapsed on the floor for shear lack of knowledge how to stand. Banging on the floor in disappointment, "WHY? WHY CAN'T I REMEMBER ANYTHING!!! WHY CANT I DO ANYTHING!!! WHAT AM I DOING!?!?!" The pain reaches all ends of the body from finger tip to finger tip to the depths of the stomach to the clenched thighs which quiver with the rest of the body all fueld by the brain which feels as if it will burst at any moment. I can't do this anymore I tell myself. I can't let this happen again today. The boss comes back in and yells "GET OFF THE FUCKING FLOOR!!! WHAT ARE YOU DOING!? YOU DON'T DESERVE THIS!!! YOU DONT DESERVE YOUR JOB!!! YOU DONT DESERVE YOU FRIENDS, YOUR FAMILY, YOU DONT DESERVE YOUR LIFE!!! YOURE A WASTE OF FLESH YOU WORTHLESS PIECE OF SHIT!!!! NOW GET BACK TO WORK!!!!" Suddenly, the employee wonders where the kind boss is. The kind one who helped compose them minutes ago before the second break down. Why is it the mean boss can get them to work? The employee lives in fear of the mean boss, striving to be better. And when all is said and done fear is what drives the employee. Slowly and surely Jenny makes her way back to the office, once again composed. There is still some tension felt between the employee and the boss, but Jenny works around it. Cautiously she does her work. Still there's a sense of uneasiness. Perhaps some caffeine can fix? A simple trip to get a DrPepper becomes a trip down death row. Walking from the front to the back with head down, feels as if Jenny is being persecuted awaint ridicule from inmates who know of her fate. By this point Jenny reflects upon her burning knuckles. The physical pain hurts so much less than that of the mental. Completely distracted and turned off from the world around her, she manages to make her way back to work. Just as all is starting to make peace and harmony in the world breakdown ..3 occurs. The transition between breakdown ..1 which is caused by self loathing, ..2 caused by fear of the unknown, to ..3 caused by knowing people care, leaves the already confused Jenny, completely and utterly lost. Unable to think again, the vicious cycle repeates itself and we are back to the beginning of not knowing and now self loathing. At the end of the day we go for support, much needed, only to find the Boss is there to tell us we have let him down. It is not our fault in doing so, as we've done all we can. Boss has been there to help you, but now is telling you to get your shit together. Kindness only goes so far before you need to be whipped into shape again. I am sorry for letting you down, boss. I tried my hardest and could only give you 20%. I promise I'll do better tomorrow.

Monday, March 13, 2006

Wrong at Rite Aid...

Funny I came up with the most ingenius title!!! Not funny I had a scary moment at Rite Aid. It started out simple: I went to pick up my BC. I went to the pharmacy and placed my order. Walked around to kill some time. Checked my blood pressure. Normal. Walked around some more forgetting why I was there but I figured I needed to buy something so I was picking things up. Shampoo was on sale so I took advantage of that. It was one I was looking for so that was even better. THen I remembered I was low on toothpaste at home. Prior to that I'm debating getting Benedryl for allergies. It's too expensive so I decide I'll think about it. I go to toothpaste. There are too many. I become slightly overwhelmed suddenly realizing I forgot my work at home. I sit on the floor in front of the toothpaste for about 20 minutes trying to figure out what I'm doing because I don't remember why I was there. I just know there's too much stuff and I can't recall what I'm doing. Fortunately my mom came in and saved me from a potentially bad scenario. She just said "Here! Get this one!" and got a toothpaste for me. The rest of the time there I didn't remember if I had DrPepper at home and she reminded me of the fact I didn't. After I bought it I didn't remember if I had any at home and she had to remind me I just bought some. I don't have any work to do tonight which sucks. But I think I did email a few sample art things home I can work on. My left knuckle is sorta cut up from where I was digging my fingernails into it as my hands were crossed a little too tightly as I perched my chin on them...

Wednesday, March 8, 2006

The body and the mind...

I just realized I didn't turn my computer off but simply turned off the monitor. Anyway, I was laying in bed praying for help for my head. I felt selfish asking for something for me, but fear not that's not the only thing I pray for. Somewhere in my grasps for help till next Thursday, I was thinking about how I can take care of things in relation to diet, exercise, but when it comes to the brain, it's like some sort of magic miracle place. Without a brain we're nothing. It triggers off all these things to make life happen. It says hey heart, get pumping, lungs get breathing, liver get filtering, kidneys get doing whatever you do and so on. I dunno. It just amazes me. I'm going to hang onto this thought to sleep on... it'll baffle me enough to sleep for sure!!!

Time keeps on ticking ticking ticking into the future...

I just now realized I got home and somewhere it turned to 8:47. Then I came online and now its 9:50. Where the hell is time going? It's like everything creeps up so fast and then it's gone. The day is gone. The night is gone. The week is gone. The month is gone. The year is gone. Its like life is coming to an end so quickly. When you're young everything seems to take forever and you remember every detail and now everything is happening so fast I can't even pay attention to what's going on anymore. I'm afraid if I get up to make dinner I'll lose out on time and miss something. I have like 8 different thoughts going on right now and I'm not sure what tangent to go off on so I'm giving up. I'm just gonna let them ramble their thoughts of course obvioiusly I chose one of them cos I'm writing giving up and thats one thought I suppose. I'm still tripping out over 12 noon and 12 am. How is it AM if it's following 11 pm? Numerically 11 is after 12 so if 11 is pm and its going on to 12 shouldnt it be PM since it's consecutive? or is it that 12 is at the top of the clock so it's the start even though it's technically the last number so it's the beginning once you get to the end, that being 11:59 pm? noreen brought this up and its still pestering me dammit.

And then it went snap!!!

Everyone says brain pills take a while to kick in. Two days ago, mine did. How do I know this? They did a VERY bad thing. When I first started to take them, things seemed to be improving a little. I was sleeping better, gettin 2 hours more a night than before. I didn't worry about things as much as I did before. I was positive things would eventually get better in the next month or so. Just as I was about to end my last bottle and call the pharmacy for a refill, something really really bad happened. Two days ago, I started to have problems sleeping. I stayed up late. I didn't think much of it. I thought, oh I'm just preoccupied trying to find something out. I was just driven to learn something and that's the problem. I went back to bed and it didn't end. I stayed up very late. I woke up the next morning, slightly groggy but seemingly not too affected. That day at work seemed to be a little hectic. I had a hard time concentrating on things. I couldn't get myself to do things right or the way I wanted. I blamed it on lack of sleep. The night before the same thing happened. I stayed up late. The next day at work was a little more difficult. I blamed it on lack of sleep. Trying to catch up with work. Trying to get things done and being stressed out. Last night, I was dead tired. I could not fall asleep. I kept waking up in cold sweats, tossing and turning. I thought it's hot and I can't sleep. So I laid there till I was supposed to wake up. I got to work and saw my boss and told him "Do you ever have those mornings where you're not too sure how you made it to work but somehow you did?" and he laughed knowing he's been there, done that. I thought it was a sleep thing. Today was far worse. I stared at papers, knowing what they said, knowing I do this stuff all the time. Knowing I am accustom to it and I read the orders, knowing what I was looking at, knowing what to do. Then when I went to create art, I drew a blank. I had no idea what I was doing. I read the paperwork and it said a team name, in white, script with a tail. Simple. I saw the characters that stated that was what I was supposed to do. I knew in my head what I was supposed to do. But for some unknown reason I was not comprehending it. I looked at the paperwork and just saw characters. I couldn't connect with my brain what those characters were supposed to symbolize. I stared at it knowing I was just having what I constantly refere to during my days as "brain farts" knowing it would come to me I was just being silly and forgetful. I stared longer and still wasn't getting it. Stuff I know exactly what it is and deal with daily. It didn't make sense. Like it was a foreign language or something. I thought "I'll come back to this one I'm just frazzled it's simple I get it." The next order went over fine. I went back to the previous order and did it no problem. Ever so many orders I started seeing a trend: I would forget what I was doing or supposed to be doing. I got a voicemail w/ info on some orders and I was writing them down and I swear I thought I deleted the voicemail. 2 minutes later I notice I have a voicemail. I check it and it's the same message. I delete it this time. I work on some jerseys for Ken and he tells me all day what color he wants them and I go to him to make sure the colors are right. We talk for a bit about problems I've been having and he gives me some advice. Then I go back inside and I have to call him because I don't remember what names were supposed to go on what colors and I make a point to write it down. I look at my notes before I cut the names and it doesn't make sense to me. I see perfectly clear that 2 black jerseys get one name and the 1 white jersey gets the other name. Yet in my head I'm thinking the 1 name goes on a white and a black jersey and the other black jersey gets which name? I sit slightly baffled for a few minutes before having to deconstruct the situation, literally breaking the thing piece by piece apart. I can't visualize things anymore. My brain used to work one way. People would say put a box on a paper, center a triangle on top of the box and a line that extends the sides from left to right on the bottom of the box and before I would know it would create the image of a house. Now if someone tries to explain something of the sort to me I just hear the basics and hear triangle, box, line and have no idea what to do with them, where they go, what goes where, what I'm doing with them. Things got so horrible today I went into the bathroom and started crying on the toilet because I was worried I didnt know what was happening to me. I thought I was losing my mind. I managed to compose myself and call my doctor to set up an appointment next thursday (I think this was after lunch because I recall having to get a big DrPepper cos I was stressed and walking to the liquor store calmed me down.) Noreen wanted me to help her with some stuff after work for her son's bday party and I said ok earlier in the week and I asked her if I could do it from my house. She said she couldn't cos she had to take care of her son so I had that hanging over me and it wasn't a huge deal it was sorta like doing a practice painting: really no work involved and if it comes out good cool if not no biggie but still it was something. I just feel like today was the biggest waste of day. I feel sick. I feel sea sick almost. I'm really worried I feel like something really bad is going to happen soon. It's sorta gone more of like worry to fear. I seriously in my heart and in my head believe something is going to happen to me something really bad. I fear for my job because I can't get any work done. I fear our customers are going to be furious. I fear if I can't do work I can't do anything. I fear I'm losing my mind. Its making me physically sick. And to top it all off I have my period! Dammit! I can't remember things I was doing minutes ago. I forget what I'm talking about halfway through sentences. I end a subject in writing or speach and out of nowhere start talking about something else. It's like I'm a truck or something that hauls and I have a hitch hooked up to me and I'm trying to haul something that's way more heavy than I'm capable of handling and I'm just going into overdrive. Or no the reference I used tdoay and i felt so horrible for saying this, but one of our salesmen called me and he was asking about an order and I asked him if he could email me about it cos I had no idea what order he was talking about and I had a pen in my hand and I couldn't think to write th e order down and I told him I was having the hardest time trying to figure out what order he was talkng about and that I was busy and just needed him to get me something I could use to visualize his stuff, and he was like "oh you sound swamped" and i told him I'm like a sponge that has soaked up so much water I need to be squeezed so I can go back to sucking it all in again. Oh my god.... I'm gonna have a breakdown... fuck. I just realized that. Shit this isn't good. Ok, I just need to stay focused. I try writing plans of attack. I make these lists o f things to do and check them off one at a time. I designate times for doing things and yet I do not feel productive. i don't feel like i"m doing enough. I took a big stack of work home with me cos i feel like if im not sleeping i might as well use up my time to do something productive cos if im not sleeping i can do work and we're backed up and i feel so bad for gavin cos hes busting his ass and im over there totally unable to think like some sorta zombie or something and i took some work home with me cos if im not sleeping enough tonight then i can do some work or something. you know? god my brain is like suddenly turned on! ok this is good. im gonna do work now cos i think i can get a lot done right now.



man. for some reason i just had this total energy burst. its gone. its weird cos it was tehre for like 30 seconds and i was totally pumped but then i just sat still for another 30 and was like ugh. im gonna go make dinner. im hungry.

Saturday, March 4, 2006

Drive (caution: abstract)

Drive = passion. Passion = devotion. Devotion = faith. Faith = hope. Hope = desires. Desires = ambitions. Ambiton = goals. Goals = Drive.

Friday night: drive.


Late at night on the 101 right before Las Virginas there's this weird moment. I wouldn't call it an epiphony, necessarily. Basically a moment. Something inside my head just snapped. Maybe the Lexapro finally kicked in after months, maybe something else. I just had this feeling where everything made sense. Everything. Everything in life now makes sense. In that split moment I didn't even worry anymore. Everything happens for a reason.


Worry = guilt. Guilt = sin. Sin = regrets. Regrets = lessons. Lessons = life. Life = living. Living = chances. Chances = risks. Risks = fear. Fear = worry.





Drinking alone should always be a tell-tale sign something is wrong. Tell-tale signs something bad is happening. An escape. An out. Avoiding reality. Trying to sleep. I tell myself I do it to sleep but really I can sleep whenever I want. I stay up all night worrying. Everything. The worries are as real or irrational as the thoughts that drive them:

Bills
Work
Love
Life
Death
Death
Death
Death
Love
Lust
Death
When am I going to die?
Why do I feel like something bad is going to happen... soon... notyet... soon... keep waiting...
Did you set your alarm clock?
No?
Yes, you did.
Ok.
Did you check your bank account?
Earlier today yes.
Call anyway. Just to be sure.
Ok.
*dials*
Press 1
*dials*
Enter account number
*dials*
Enter personal identification
*dials*
Ok, nothing has changed.
Good. Go to bed.
Did you set the alarm?
Yes.
Check.
Ok.
Go to bed.
Something bad is going to happen...soon... wait... it's coming...
What time is it?
1:22.
Did you set your alarm?
Yes.
Ok.
My heart just stopped.
No it didn't
Yes it did. Feel.
No it slowed down. You're sleeping.
No I'm not. Not yet.
Yes you are.
No!



Inner battles...continue...


What time is it?
1:59
Go to the bathroom.
Let the cat out.
Let the cat in.
Did you check your bank account?
Yes.
Is it right?
Yes.
What withdrawls did you make recently?
*adds in head.*
Is that right?
Yes it all adds up.
Ok.
Tomorrow is work right?
Yes.
8 - 9 morning stuff: answer calls. reply to emails. check in work and distribute. status report.
9 - 12 work with gavin on art
12 lunch. not sure where i'll go yet.
1 - 4 catalog stuff
4 - 5 send out embroidery samples.
Ok.
Maybe gym. If I can force myself to go.
Yes yes.



Be careful when you go to your car. They want to kill you. You will be killed...



Drive.


Cars drive down the street at night. I need to get into my car before they see me. I need to get into the house before they see me. If I am outside when they get close to me, I will die. They want me dead.




Run.


Run to your car! If you don't get there quick enough the dog with three heads will get you. It's out there in the dark at night. When no one else is around. He sleeps in the dark. No one can see him. But he waits for you. If you're quiet and fast enough, you will be safe...




Safe.



Safety is a strange thing. I feel safe in my car. Perhaps its all the features? Or the ability to pick up and leave immediately. I have this fear of bad things.
I have the desire to be able to be set for survival where ever I may be. I keep spare things in strange places in case something happens. I will be prepared. I am waiting for something bad to happen.






Wait.



Patience is a virtue. Expect the unexpected. That which has not happened is yet to come.





Everything happens for a reason.



Worries have been cut in half.



I no longer sit and think about real worries. I can go back to the irrational ones. Three headed dogs. Cars wanting me dead. Waiting for something bad to happen. I realized this while driving at night on the 101. My mom thinks I'm crazy when I confessed this to her earlier Friday night as I ran in with my heart beating fast for fear of a car trying to kill me. I say it's just another one of my weird quirks. I can't deal with life but I can prepare for the irrational.




Time to drive again...