Sunday, April 30, 2006

You're never too young to have a Vietnam flashback...

So today I go to play paintball with my sister, her boyfriend, and his son cos it's his birthday. It's fun and all but I wind up having weird panic attacks cos I think it's real. Go figure. I could only play 3 games cos I'm afraid to do otherwise. It's scary out there man...

Saturday, April 29, 2006

P is for Poop not Participation...

So I entered Snoopy in most beautiful large breed at Nuts for Mutts this year. Wouldn't you know it, that darn dog poops RIGHT INSIDE the showing area DURING the show!!! Part of me was proud the other part was wondering where I'd get a crap bag and how I'd get it to clean up since it was all oozey and brown. Eew. She got stage fright and shit herself lol!!! She didn't make it into finals but that's ok cos the participant ribbon matches her little collar. A CHILI DOG ::snap snap snap:::

Tuesday, April 18, 2006

A new drug...

So after 2 weeks of post-risperdal constant overtly drunk feeling side affects going away I'm now on Abilify (aripiprazole). I think I may have good feelings about this one. I woke up feeling very optimistic today. I'm not as tired but I am a little sleepy from being woken up early by my parents bitching about how some person sent us a letter saying our dog barks too much at night. What bullshit! Anyhoo... we'll see what happens...

Friday, April 14, 2006

Abstract thoughts

I am on the verge of having everything taken away from me but one of the most important things to me is my escape. My dreams have been stolen from me for the past almost 2 weeks. I cannot remember anything when I wake up. After a week of numbness and another week of nothingness, I've spent the past few days trying to recall anything from the past. Last night made no sense but there was something, a place, a new place. One I had never seen before hidding amidst some buildings and trees, outdoorsy almost. There was this shaft, an elevator shaft, encased in concrete. We had to go down to go inside. There was this weird 2 story winding thrift store type place and somewhere amidst this was a photo lab. There was a seminar somewhere and I recall comparing coats! YES!!! COMPARING COATS!!! That happened before too!!! I remember!!! This isn't the first time I've been here, no!!! I've been there other nights. But from different angles. One time I was looking at yellow dresses. Fuck I gotta find this place. Ok but anyway, yea, something happened and I had to leave. I was in trouble. Someone was coming after me. I ran out to my car to get away from him and I was so scared. Then there was this other room I went into for some reason.

Gah I can't stand trying to recall fuzzy memories. I don't know if this is all one thing or pieces of other things.

Seriously I'm not happy. Or I'm not too sure. I'm at a point where parts of me are like happy but other parts are greatly disappointed. I gotta get a second job or something cos I don't know where my money is going. I don't go anywhere or buy anything yet I have no money. THis is ass. I've thought about selling my eggs but they want pretty people or really smart people or really tallented people. It pays good. But I think my ethics would fuck with me ina case like that. I don't know how I'd feel with someone having a child who is part me but not part taken care of by me out there in the world?

I have an invention idea. I may look into this thing. There may be things of the sort around but maybe for some stupid reason I could make it and sell it off to someone for a few bucks. And fortunately! After googling a few things other concepts have been devised but alas not mine ha! Lori was very right about me being the creative marketable one haha!

Sunday, April 9, 2006

Baby Possum update...

And then there were two... Yea now there's two baby possums. The little one, who I am guessing to be the runt, is Julian. After coming home from the psychic my mom showed me another. This one was injured. I cleaned its injuries up. The neck and arm were puncture wounds but they healed up pretty good over night. My worries are with its back legs. They may be broken or its just too weak to use them. Either way, its name is Kromdar. I'm freaking out cos we keep finding these baby possums everywhere and I don't have the ability to keep taking care of them. I have got no sleep all weekend. I keep waking up to feed Kromdar, hold him for a bit, make sure he pees, then let him go into my pocket. Then I get Julian, who is a handful, feed him, hold him for a bit, he gets really bad urinary blockage no matter how much I clean his little pee hole. He also is healthy enough to get into a lot of trouble now. He's made great progress since I found him. Today he decided to crawl under a chair and hide behind a buncha crap in my room. Kromdar is still very weak when it comes to walking but very hungry. He eats readily and grabs at the bottle with his one good hand. Hopefully tomorrow he will be better. I'm hoping his back legs get better soon. Julian gets jealous and snaps at him sometimes so I need to give them individual attention to make sure they don't get jealous. Baby possums = hard work. I'm trying and learning. I think God is testing me...

Psychic Friends Network

So I got a psychic reading on Saturday night cos my cousin wanted to get one. I figured, when in Rome, right? As stupid as it may sound, it was just what I needed to get me out of the slump I've been in. Most importantly the fact that the psychic said so. Without telling anything to her she said a LOT about issues that have been upsetting me lately and told me they will be resolved but only if I can make decisions quickly. There are two situations coming up in which I will have to choose between a comfort zone and a something different and one I was told to do because while I may be afraid of it and think I will fail, I am told I will be very successful. The other being one where I need to stay where I am at but make sure I become more demading or I will become bored. I won't go into all the fine details of the reading as thats personal information but I can honestly say I am looking forward to what the next three months have in store for me. Best part is that there is a lot of money coming my way, and strangely my horoscope said the same thing! Money wooh!!!

Saturday, April 8, 2006

Possum Kingdom!!!

Hahah, yea you like my early 90's reference in that title??? Ok so this morning I wake up and find two dead baby possums. Not playing dead, like really dead. They had puncture wounds on their necks and were sprawled out on the front porch. After a little neggotiating, I convinced my mom to let me burry them instead of throwing them away (number 1 rule of the west: everyone no matter how bad deserves a proper burial.) So I burried them together under the rose bush complete with cross, marker stones, and sympathy flowers. A little while later, I am about to go to get some snake food and I gasp at the sight of a precious little baby lost and confused on our porch. He is totally disoriented and I kinda go near it and it just sorta lets me touch it so I get my critter keeper and a paper towel and make it a new home. So I take him with me to get snake food and I get him a bottle and kitten milk and, well I've been workin on making him healthy. He's really sweet and friendly and loves to snuggle and sit in pockets. Very cute. I have no idea how to sex marsupials but I got a few names in mind: Julian, Cromdar, Calibos, or Miracle. Don't ask. Those are just random things that pop into my head at the sight of this little cute thing. Ok gotta go.

Saturday, April 1, 2006

Ventangilist . 5? (A blog for Matt about 80% - 20%)

Maybe this is part of getting better. I am mad. But I have my reasons. Hear me out:

Friday Matt comes to have lunch with me. I am happy. Before all this I am nervous thinking what if he doesn't show up like he did before? Things of the sort. I have thousands of thoughts a minute racing through my head. Anyway he comes and has lunch with me and shows up half an hour early. We eat. Then he takes me back to work fifteen minutes early. He drops me off in front of the office and says I'm lucky he came down. I think he only came down to get his taxes done and if it weren't for that he never would have come down to have lunch with me like he never did in the 4 + years we've been together.

From this point I get mad again tonight. Treeva calls wondering where Matt is. He doesn't have a cell phone and he didn't get her to go to the show. I told Matt I wasn't going because I was going fishing Sunday. We talk. I get to venting about all the things that piss me off. Well Matt, you ARE on my prefered list so here's a run down of things I want you to change. I know I've told you this before on several occasions but once more won't hurt:

1. You need a phone. Treeva wouldn't be calling me and Joann wondering where the hell you are if you had a means of contact. Did you even pick her up or did she wind up going with Alice? Hmm? At what point in your life will you just say fuck it and get a fucking phone? In your room, a cell phone, you need to be able to be contacted dammit. I am sick and tired of calling your house and having your crabby ass drunk old landlady get mad at me cos heaven forbid I interruped another rerun of MONK!!! Cell phone AND land line. Period.

2. Listen when I talk. I tell you things and you don't listen. My coworkers know me better than you do. I've only known them for 3 years. I've known you for almost 5. Some of them I haven't even known for a year yet they know me pretty damn good. They know that I am terribly afraid of whipped cream, shaving cream, foam and gel substances to the point of fear. They know I only like sugar frostings and not whipped on cakes and that I only love chocolate/chocolate combos. I asked you before what my favorite foods were and you said "fish, steak, pizza". Ok of that you only got ONE right... ONE!!! I eat around you half the time hence me being like 40 lbs overweight and you don't even know what I like to eat?! CHEESEBURGERS, PASTA, and PIZZA!!! What's worse when we do eat YOU always order first!!! It's etequitte to let the GIRL order first or find out what the GIRL wants and order FOR her!!! It's rude and not very gentleman-like of you to order first and I find it embarassing because even the waiters and waitresses taking our orders notice this!!! Also, I told you 3 times we're going to the track on the 8th. THREE TIMES!!! ONCE via a myspace bulletin. ANOTHER TIME via an email. AND YET ANOTHER TIME I told you I know it's kinda early and you don't like to plan so far ahead but we're going to the track on the 8th for a microbrewery festival and my mom said she'd drive us... When I told you I might not be able to go you said "You're going to the track?" YES WE ARE GOING TO THE TRACK GRANTED I DON'T HAVE TO WORK THAT FESTIVAL THING!!!!

3. Drive to see me. I can't even tell you how much money I spend a year on gas money to drive to your house and watch you play video games or sit in chatrooms calling people transvestite lovers. I don't like being the one to always go out of my way to be with you only to have you ignore me. It hurts. It's insulting. It angers me and is pretty demeaning. The only time you come out to visit me is if you're heading down to the valley to do something for yourself and even then you bitch about what a horrible place it is. THIS is MY home. I enjoy MY valley. The valley which YOU were born in and raised in. Just because you turned your back on it doesn't mean it's a horrible place. You say there's no parking but what about out in Malibu? There's no parking at the beaches or on the streets and when you do have places to park they cost you an arm and a leg. At least in the valley if you gotta park somewhere it never costs more than $3.

4. Pay attention to me. I need attention. Remember it. It's easy to remember cos there's a G.G. song w/ the same name. Does that help? I am your girlfriend. I should not be treated like a chore. At the same time I should also not be treated like your little thing which you can dress up and make do as you please. I'm not an object, I'm a person. Treat me like one. Don't toss me to the side when I am boring for your computer or video games. I need your support and when I don't get it, it ruins me. Destruction is a two way street: it takes one to destroy and one to break. I feel worthless around you and unimportant and ugly. Like I am sub par. I cannot compete with your thousands of porno fantasy girls whose DVDs line the walls of my side of the bed like a reminder that I will never be that for you thus I will never make you happy. Tell me then, where I can find a picture of perfect men whose faces I can plaster on your side of the bed so you can see what it feels like? And I try to make you happy but I feel like you are not interested. I bore you. You don't want to pay attention. Perhaps this is part of why I detest driving to your house wasting my gas only to be treated like crap. Although I know you do try sometimes. I know you're not great at expressing things and a lot of times you try to put dollar signs on affection but you know, as much as I appreciate it, sometimes I just need you to be by my side and let me know everything will be ok. That cost nothing yet means more to me than any amount of money. Sometimes I feel like you see me as a gold digger and you don't like me because you think all I want is money. Please know that's not the case.

5. Live on your own. Look, you don't have millions of bills you have to pay. You don't have a phone bill obviously because you don't own a phone or a cell phone. You pay rent, car, insurance, and random things you throw in for here and there with utilities around the house. Plus your tv. Thing is, you live in that shitty little room with that crabby old drunk bitch, who granted I know it's mean of me to say but I feel like her sole purpose of living so long is to make people like me miserable. She bitches that I smile, that I don't smile, that I can't hear her when she's drunk and mumbling, that I call you, etc. You live there with that fuckin questionably gay pot smoking drunk who stays up all night keeping me up all hours moaning about the loss of his cat or making drunk howls or god knows what in the next room over. You have the other pot smoking paranoid fish farmer and his deranged friend of a friend of the manson family hippie ass wife of his who scare the crap out of me when I come and go because I don't know what they'll do and yet I always wonder if they even work cos it seems like they're ALWAYS home... Thing is, you live in a fucking UNHEALTHY environment. You are surrounded by druggies and alcoholics. I do NOT like being around them. They scare me and make me feel depressed. I am nervous of being in THAT house and I don't know how you can tolerate living there. I wish you would leave that place. I would be a lot happier and more prone to visit you without hesistation if you didn't have those people around you. I know this isn't really my place to say where you should and shouldn't live but dammit those people are cramping MY style. What's worse is you are becoming one of them! Joann never leaves her house for more than x amount of hours or goes farther than x miles away. You are becoming HER!!! You come home, go in your room, and get your beer and records and are set for the night. You don't leave unless its for work. Once in a blue moon you'll go to a concert. I'm not tellin you to be a busy body but dammit, dont become one of THEM. That will drive me away real fast. I'll die before I ever allow us to live like Tony & Terry on THAT property in THAT house.

6. Quit being so selfish. I feel like YOU'RE selfish because YOU would rather live there and sleep in for work and be close to more side gigs so you can buy more of your stupid records which you don't even have room for!!! I feel like 80% of the time I am compromising MY happiness to keep you happy and for what? I'm always so worried about what you'll think. I'm always worried I'll hurt you or upset you if I disagree. Do you know we have such a successful relationship because we have never been in a verbal argument via yelling at each other? Oh wait, that's right! That's because I'm a total push over!!! I'm sick of it. It's gonna make me snap one day. I can only take so much. I know I can be selfish sometimes and I apologize. But you need to think about me sometimes.

I know you're probably pissed off but dammit, I've told you this stuff time and time again. You say I never tell you things that upset me but I have been nothing but vocal about this. I don't know if you forget or if you just don't care. So for the umpteenth time I'm just letting you know. Please try to fix a few things so I can be happy again. You don't have to rearrange your entire life, just make me feel like you want me to be a part of it.