Friday, July 28, 2006

that's right, its a diary blog... sorry kiddies.

if someone asked to take you back without any questions at all, i wonder so if you would go and leave me there to fall. i know it is a weird question but i ask myself this sometimes especially after what some people say all the time. sometimes it just eats me up inside. did i do the right thing? am i doing the right thing? does that person still love you? i wonder. i wonder if im just a pawn in your game to win her back like everyone has told me. if so i wonder how it is i could be so blind and stupid. i just pray to God that you love me like you say you do. i pray to God that there wont be some huge karmatic bite in the ass to me for my past wrongdoings. please tell me you love me so and mean it when you say it. i know we're good friends but i feel theres so much more and i know you know it too. i pray you love me as much as i love you.

Thursday, July 27, 2006

Phone bullshit

So I need a new phone cos mine is royally kaput. Sucks ass. Now I'm getting a new phone...again... its not the phone i had but a different one so it better be NICE!!!!

Technology goober

I've been having shit for luck with technological devices lately. First my computer shits out on me, then today I'm so discombuberated that I put my cell phone up on my futon and it fell into a glass of water. I've been keeping my eye on it the last few hours to see that it works and so far its been ok with a few minor tweaks I'm sure will be fixed once the water all dries up inside. its such a hot day im sure it will but i worry now about rust. i dunno. i feel like such a sloth today like i am sick and i cant manage. im just glad i didnt go to work cos i cant even fathom what kinda fuck up id do if i went in this state.

Monday, July 24, 2006

Proud Gun Owner

Today I can call myself that. Hooray! I woulda said something yesterday but myspace was being a bitch.

Saturday, July 22, 2006

Burn

On Sunday I ordered ammo for this upcoming SUnday's Land Party with Josef and I get a ups delivery for today. I come home at lunch to sign for it and wait but no one comes. I find out after I get back to work that I missed ups by two frickin minutes!!!!!!! Now I'm waiting to see if I can pick up or what's goin on. Otherwise I'll hafta wait till Monday to get it w hich won't really help me out seeing as Sunday is when I planned on going shooting!!!! DAMMIT!!!

Friday, July 21, 2006

confessions of a night owl (hoot!)

[1] honestly i said i would go to sleep half an hour ago and i question whether i will go to sleep soon. for some reason i am full of random thoughts and they all wanna come out but the little pink pill is telling them WAIT IN LINE TILL ITS YOUR TURN. heh. [2] im still upset about my computer crashing. [3] i am convinced there are a bunch of spiders living in my room in dark areas. i keep finding them crawling on my walls and killing them as i spot them. the worst was the one that just floated down from the ceiling by my computer and i had to get two shoes to put it out. heh. [4] the herp has been acting weird lately. at night hes out and about in the house of herp and he tries to dig these holes. i dont get it and i dont like it. [5] i just remembered that i was going to mention my picking of my scab. its all itchy now. there might be a scar. thats cool scars add character. i can be like "this is where i fell playing paintball!!!" [6] jesse has really helped me get over my fears of paintball. i remember the first time i went with lori, craig, and rene i was scared shitless and only played like 2 games. then when i went with jesse he kept making me play. the last time we went i volunteered to play in games with him but i had to stop after idiot me fell and injured myself in the last game. after that i just was physically challeneged hehe. [7] i want things to pick up at work. seriously, its so slow right now. the days seem to lag and take forever to end. when you're busy the day goes right on by. besides i hate not being productive it makes me feel useless and feeling useless makes me depressed and i could go on and on with where this goes but thing is i hope it picks up soon. [8] i am going to start drinking dr pepper again. i cant help it. im an adict. i quit a while ago and then started drinking here and there again. i think i may go back to drinking it regularly. like the at least one daily. [9] im a really selfish person. i dunno what sparked this thought but i've realized lately that i have very little consideration for others. i don't get it. i feel like when i say thanks to a person it feels forced or insincere like i normally wouldnt do it but i do it cos thats what everyone else would do??? i dunno. sometimes i just feel like i expect things of people. i know, im horrible, right? hahah. i dont think so. [10] i'm getting my gun on saturday. thats in 2 days i believe from now? im not sure how this works its like almost 1 am now. part of me is really excited and part of me is worried. the worry is in the i hope i can find a nice case for him and not be too expensive and that he works well and makes it home safely and i still know my parents might not be thrilled with the fact i want to keep him at my bedside, but i cant expect to hide him away in a closet. im paying $200 for him, i want him to be seen dammit. [11] i still feel like i fell off the face of the earth. like literally i feel like i haven't heard from too many people lately. i made the attempt to reach out and i got some responses which was cool but its so hard to get people together to do something now days cos everyone is busy with this or that on their agendas. its difficult. [12] im really sad that jesse is going to school in august instead of september. its cool for him cos he gets to start his classes earlier and im sure he's excited about that but i'm just gonna miss him. sigh.

bridges are for burning!!!


Bridges are for burning


Listen.

Good song, no?

I feel like I've burned my share of bridges and stepped on my share of toes, but honestly, I've been in those shoes before and I know what it feels like. This song somehow makes everything seem ok. Like at the end of HOBO OPS where the kids mom is like just watch these commercials... sure, this doesnt fix any problems, but it sure does a good job of pushing them under the rug. Its like one of those things that comes along and makes you think "Hey, I'm not such a evil person after all!" Hooray for false senses of happiness!!!

ice in the drink

i feel like ive been walking around with filler but no substance in my life. my days are routine and pretty predictable which is fine with me but theres some days where i question my passion in life. like am i at it? have i found it? is this what i want out of life? what i have now? or is there something else? its weird. i hear about people going to school for things and they're going after their dreams and passions and i realize i went to school for my so called passion only to learn i hated it and found a new quicker passion because i'm all about the quickie hah hah hah... i feel as if ive gone back to happening through life again and im starting to wonder if i am growing bored of another passion or if this is merely a phase brought on by a slow period? i am full of so many unanswered questions. maybe there is substance which causes the curiosity?

Thursday, July 20, 2006

ctrl + z

Tonight my computer went hari-kari and I had to do a complete system recovery. Not restore, recovery. I couldn't even get on to restore. Bastard. I wish I could just hit ctrl+z and make this night never happen. I lost all my old pictures and files from the past year. Fortunately most of the better pics I saved online so yea. But still... sucks ass. Its gonna take me a good deal of time to recover from this...

Tuesday, July 18, 2006

Fugly Fish R.I.P.

Fugly Fish passed away this weekend of unknown bloat. He was found this morning floating around in his own filth. Fugly died the way he loved to live: in his own filth. He was a dirty fat fish who enjoyed his life flopping around his tank looking for food. May he find peace in fishy Heaven. You were a good fish, Fugster. May you rest in peace.

Monday, July 17, 2006

The great wipeout of '06

Today Jesse & I went to paintball. Things were looking good. I managed to get up to some dad/kid combo and take them on execution style, however they failed to call themselves out and wound up shooting me. The adreneline rush from that left me winded a good deal afterwards but I managed to pull myself together for another round. The second time was on the Columbine field. That was a long tedious battle, which I was eventually shot out followed by Jesse. The heat had started to get to me, but I refused to go down a quitter. The next round was back on a larger field. Right as the battle began I ran to cover, but fell to a bloody death as I tripped on my own two feet in an attempt to run quickly whilst shooting at the enemy. I fell on my weapon and it felt as if someone had socked me in the stomach. The left side of me caught most of my fall but wound up getting scraped up. I had blood covered in dirt which I rinsed with water. It looked kinda gnarly but it looks way better now but still hurts where the bruise is. I think I fell on a rock or something cos its a nice straight cut/scrape. I'm proud to say I too got a little too overzealous and managed to wipe out in an activity.

Sunday, July 16, 2006

Exactly 1 week...

Next Saturday I will be bringing home the newest member of the family, Josef with an F. My darling Mauser. I can't wait. One week to the date!!!

Saturday, July 15, 2006

Shelter Dump

So today as I'm coming in to work I see a big white bus SAN FERNANDO SHELTER or something of the sort. It is not picking up the local vagrants to shelter them though. No, this bus is dropping OFF a new lot of vagrants!!! So now there's like 5 new bums walking around our street. I'm not sure where they'll wander off to but it's sure nice to know that the homeless shelters use our street to dump off the homeless after they spend the night at their shelters.

Thursday, July 13, 2006

Not a second turn lane!!!

So I'm coming home Sherman Way as usual and I'm by the 405. I'm in the right hand lane, which is coincidentally next to the designated right hand turn lane for the freeway. I hate hate HATE with a capital H when some dumb fuck comes in the right lane and thinks they'll pass up traffic and magically get in last minute, (I also hate on the 405/101 north/west split where that happens as well, but another blog to that one...) and they think they'll breeze on by everyone waiting patiently cos they lack patience and try to sneak in at the last minute. Of course you always get someone who is like I don't think so asshole and doesn't let them in. Or you get the stereotypical run of the mill assclown who thinks they're better than the rest of the world and stays in the right hand lane the whole time only to at the last minute make a right hand turn onto the freeway. Dammit! I hate it! It's not a double turn lane over there. Those buttwipes always result in me missing my green light, but allow me to lean on my horn and vent out the days frustrations calling them every name in the book till they're completely out of my sight. From what I can see, the special "designated" turn lane is to prevent people like me from missing my light. Ok use the damn turn lane it's there for a reason! It's solid cos you gotta stay in there to make your turn, NOT from the lane to the left of it which is for straight moving traffic. Just cos there's two lanes of traffic on the freeway doesn't mean the right hand straight lane is for the second turn. There's no straight or right turn arrow there. It's just STRAIGHT. STRAIGHT YOU IJIOTS!!! Geez. The only reason there's two lanes on the onramp is cos if you look on the OTHER side of the street, the left hand turn lane to get on happens to be a real double turn lane. Stupid people. Stupid moron drivers. I hate them. Grrrrr. They almost made me miss my auction stupid idiot. Ok I'm gonna stop now...

Outbid my ass!!!

I have this unhealthy obsession with ebay and snipers. I consider myself one as I lurk around auctions last minute after maybe posting a set amount I'll go up to, then, if I really like the item, I'll go back and watch it in the ending minutes. Today's item: some vintage black cowboy boots. I know, you laugh, but wait till you see them, I guarantee all you will be jealous of my completed color trifecta of cool boots (brown, burgandy, and now black.) They have the cool wooden heel from the 70's like my Capezio and Dingo boots, but they're not as tall as I'd like them to be, but still they're a badass black boot. Anyway, some shmuck decides to up my $40 to $70 something in the last 30 seconds before closing. Touche. I will not let this newbie with zero feedback outbid me on MY boots. I play hardball and shoot up to $100 with seconds to spare. Sure as shit, I win the auction. Of course, my desire for these boots and worse, my unhealthy obsession with NOT being outbid by a newbie in the last few seconds, leaves me with a bill of $84... probably $100 after shipping costs. Are these boots worth it? Probably not, but pride was at stake here. I won. I came out on top. I didn't take no for an answer and schooled the newbie on how REAL ebayers play hardball. Lesson learned. I feel real badass right now and even moreso knowing I'll look even more badass in my black cowboy boots...

Wednesday, July 12, 2006

Cocos

What's up with the newest corner vending fad of selling coconuts and fruit? What ever happened to the standard elotes and snow cones??? Is it this new health fad epidemic spreading throughout the country???

Tuesday, July 11, 2006

Random Musings...

1. To celebrate my new gun, I would like someone to make me a cake. Congratulations On Your New Gun! chocolate with chocolate frosting. Maybe some sprinkles.

2. I really hate when people wear exercise clothes as daily clothing. That being all forms. Track suits, warm ups, jerseys, game uniforms. I don't get it, I don't like it. I do like Tony's Kobe Briant jersey though...

3. Vegans and sex. Vegans refuse to eat or wear anything that is from an animal, so I wonder: do vegans give blowjobs and if they do, do they swallow or is it considered anti-vegan to do so as its animal product?

4. Permanant jewelery. I was asked if I ever take off my watch and I said yes when I go in water. Today I showed someone my watch tanline and they said to smell my watch and that it probably smells really bad. I told them I had no sense of smell.

5. The lack of sense of smell is a handicap and a gift. My mom yells at me for turning on the stove and leaving the gas running with no flame. She says I should get an electric stove cos I'll kill myself if I have gas cos I can't smell it. On the other hand, Jesse asked if I could smell the gun cleaning chemicals and of course, I couldn't. No surprise there...

6. I've been drinking a lot of water lately, yet I've been getting really bloated. Normally I get bloated when I drink DrPepper. Hmm...

7. I fear the size of the cell phone bill this month. I imagine it will be astronomical and I will be yelled at. Fortunately I'll be able to cover it... I hope...

8. Why is it the people you want to see most are constantly the farthest away from you? And you always long to see them at inconvenient times?

9. There's nothing worse than having no money... unless you have money and your bastard of a bank put a hold on it and you can't touch it for two weeks then there's nothing worse than having money and not being able to spend it.

Monday, July 10, 2006

A rude awakening...

nothing wrong with spending the night with your significant other. no rules say it's illegal and only some would find it immoral. i realized this at 4:50 am this morning. i went to go pee, granted i was fully dressed in jeans and not one, but two tank tops. i walked out ever so quietly not to disturb anyone from sleeping. then i see this head on the floor next door sitting there as if it were waiting there all night to relay their personal message "it's not nice of you to sleep in there with him." to which i said "sorry" and walked to the bathroom. this dwelled upon me as earlier in the night there had been a crude comment about staying in a motel 8 heard from outside the door amongst bitching and arguing between that person and their daughter. all i can say was it was pretty fucked up. i'm not their daughter, the "him" is not their son, he simply rents a room out so why should this person be so fuckin concerned about my doings??? it certainly was a rude awakening. one so awful words cannot describe how i felt, i
was awake the rest of the morning simply laying in bed playing out the scene over and over again in my head till now. i really have to pee and i dont want to go for fear of seeing this person and induring their criticism again. i know i'm not a bad person but by god, this lady sure the hell made me feel like one. damn.

Sunday, July 9, 2006

Paperwork

Today I filled out my gun paperwork. On the 22nd of this month I will have my gun. Hooray for Mauser!!!

Friday, July 7, 2006

I Call Bullshit!!!

So yesterday I get a message relayed to me from Matt via my sister. Some kinda bullshit about how he better not see me at concerts, not to go to his work, and basically to have no contact with him. Once again even after we break up he seems to be undermining my maturity level thinking I am so stupid I would stalk him or something with the intent of making him heartbroken and miserable. I call bullshit. I'm not the one calling his mom or his brothers and sister trying to win them over with fabricated pitty stories or lie about being cheated on. I'm doing the adult thing and broke up and ended contact. If that's not mature enough for him then I don't know what is. I suppose he wants to be the one to have the last word in. Even still, in his attempts he won't take blame for his wrong doings, he passes it off on me and my "pills" or my "shrink" or my "dirtbag friend" or that I'm a "cheater". Well guess what? It's all a big stinking load of bullshit. If anyone wants to be dumb enough to believe a man who passed up sex to sit on his computer in porn chats, go ahead! If anyone wants to believe the man who said that OUR relationship would be better if we had another woman in it, go ahead! If anyone wants to believe a man who couldn't love me for me, but had to dress me up as a porno fantasy every single time we had sex because I wasn't good enough for him as me and he had to play into his porno obsessions, go the fuck ahead! Three small, but influencial reasons I broke up with him which I had decency NOT to tell HIS mother, which leaves everyone a little confused in my break up, but there you have it. There's some of the reasons. Others available upon request. Thing is, the man is stuck in a 15 year old's mentality when it comes to relationships. He'd rather be 3 hours late because he's chatting online than stop what he's doing for someone else. He's not ready to live for another and that's all the reason I have for breaking up. So if he wants to continue threatening to beat up my dirtbag friend, I'd be more than happy to get a restraining order. Its domestic. It'd be free. So for him to treat me like I'm the enemy here and the stalker, I call a big fat stinking fly covered load of hot smelly bullshit. That's my final thought...

Wednesday, July 5, 2006

beef jerkey and dr pepper

make one hell of a breakfast :)   today is a good day :)

Tuesday, July 4, 2006

AMERICA, FUCK YEAH!!!

So today to celebrate independence day a little early, I  called upon my 2nd to get a gun. That's right, bitches, you're lookin at the soon to be proud owner of a MAUSER (rightfully to be named Josef with an F.) Anyway, he's a kraut and damned adorable. Yea guns can be adorable. I'll have him in my posession in the next month or two. Joy!!!

On a side note, whilst gun shopping, I was introduced to a new array of interesting people: gun shop employees. They weren't like the tactical weenies who work at Turners, but like diehard gun owners. It was pretty cool watching Jessup talkin to them about guns and what not. I sat there with that blank look on my face that resembles awe that is often mistaken for boredom. It was awe.

Ok, time to stream the AM...

Happy!!!

The Mauser is on my lap after I spent the duration of watching Toto singin Hold The Line and huggging the Mauser. I love you Mauser. Ok gun shopping today. Rah... mmm beef jerkey secret stash.... maybe we'll see more hookers ha!

Monday, July 3, 2006

Ironic twist continued

to bring an end to everything, today was my last day in catalina. it wasnt supposed to be, but once again, i toyed with fate and got screwed over sorta... *disclaimer: toying with fate in the past has not resulted in 100% negative outcomings.* anyway, there's this whole fiasco what not moral of story i get home at 10 instead of 7 or 8ish. i dont even want to recall this vacation from pseudo hell. it sucked. i wont be going to catalina for quite a while. call me spoiled, i call it a twist of fate for the worst. so till then i can only look forward to august when i go to ARIZONA!!! bASKTEBALL!! heh. inside joke...

Sunday, July 2, 2006

Goodbye cruel world, hello ironic twist...

So oddly enough, I decided to go to catalina...solo. I can say it's not very fun. I have received numerous calls from my mom bitching and moaning about random crap. Water visibility is crappy and I barely could make out 1 sheephead on my snorkel adventure. Fishing is horrible. I just want to go home. Some shmuckos kept me up all morning when I was trying to sleep in and the lights keep flickering in this internet checkpoint. geez. This may be the most unpleasureable vacation ever. I'd much rather be in Arizona in sweltering heat. Geez. Ok, I'm gonna attempt to fish if that's not too hectic. The end.