Tuesday, August 29, 2006

A letter outside the book!!!

My Dearest Mr. T-
You made a comment a few nights ago not wanting to be compared to someone and I dont believe I was comparing at the time, simply telling a tale of why I hate deer. Even still, it's hard to tell any story from the last 5 years without that person coming up. It's weird because it seems like I go to tell a story of some sorts and yet I have no words come out of my mouth. Like I want to reflect on my past, yet I have no desire to speak of it. I try to find ways around it but really, there isn't any way to go about it. Until I met you, there was no life back then. You are so much better in so many ways but most importantly you make me happy. Even though I'm sad and miss you right now you are on my mind and just the thought of you makes me smile. I feel like I have been given the gift of life with you, as if that one night I was reborn. Life would never be the same again, everything was black and white and now it is in brilliant colors. That which was complex has been made so simple, so clear. Today you made me feel so loved with the words you wrote. Every day you surprise me with new ways of showing how much you care and every day I welcome them with open arms, sometimes even waiting and anticipating what you may do next. I will never compare you to anyone else because you are such an anomaly, worthy of your own pedistal. I don't mean to make you out to be an object, but if you were one, you would be the shiniest most exhuberant object in existance. Trust me when I say you have made me a happier person just in your presence. Even when I met you just talking to you would make me smile. You are one of those people who has a natural gift of bringing happiness to others. I am so lucky to have you and I mean it when I say I love you. I could ramble on and on about how dear you are to me. Instead I will make it short and sweet. I love you my dear. You have changed my life forever for the best. Thank you!

Love,
Jenny

A letter outside the book!!!

My Dearest Mr. T-

You made a comment a few nights ago not wanting to be compared to someone and I dont believe I was comparing at the time, simply telling a tale of why I hate deer. Even still, it's hard to tell any story from the last 5 years without that person coming up. It's weird because it seems like I go to tell a story of some sorts and yet I have no words come out of my mouth. Like I want to reflect on my past, yet I have no desire to speak of it. I try to find ways around it but really, there isn't any way to go about it. Until I met you, there was no life back then. You are so much better in so many ways but most importantly you make me happy. Even though I'm sad and miss you right now you are on my mind and just the thought of you makes me smile. I feel like I have been given the gift of life with you, as if that one night I was reborn. Life would never be the same again, everything was black and white and now it is in brilliant colors. That which was complex has been made so simple, so clear. Today you made me feel so loved with the words you wrote. Every day you surprise me with new ways of showing how much you care and every day I welcome them with open arms, sometimes even waiting and anticipating what you may do next. I will never compare you to anyone else because you are such an anomaly, worthy of your own pedistal. I don't mean to make you out to be an object, but if you were one, you would be the shiniest most exhuberant object in existance. Trust me when I say you have made me a happier person just in your presence. Even when I met you just talking to you would make me smile. You are one of those people who has a natural gift of bringing happiness to others. I am so lucky to have you and I mean it when I say I love you. I could ramble on and on about how dear you are to me. Instead I will make it short and sweet. I love you my dear. You have changed my life forever for the best. Thank you!

Love,
jenny

puke

for god knows what awful reason i've been struk with a plague that causes me to vomit after i eat. i thought it stopped last week but oh no no no. it came back with a vengence post taco bell today. maybe it was just the taco bell, but still. it sucks. i hate barfing after i eat cos it makes me feel bulemic and even worse i get mad at the fact i wasted money on food that is just coming right back up. it angers me profusely. on a side note today i got an email that made me feel so unbelievably loved i'd be in better spirits if i weren't feeling queazy. happy sigh. :)

Friday, August 25, 2006

Life is better in a free state

I need another trip to arizona soon. I'm thinking a road trip is on the way for a weekend or so. I'm not sure when but I gotta go. I need me some desert time asap. I think the tranquility would play a nice trick on my mind to fake it into thinking things are ok right now. My mind is so screwed up right now. I know things will be ok I just feel so broken down. Maybe it's stress or lonliness or a combo of both but I feel like I've hit an all time mental low and my meds are faking me out to be like "no you're ok get over it wooh! pep talk!" but my body knows different. Hence all the barfing and not wanting to go anywhere, do anythingness. This is horrible. I need to be stronger.

Wednesday, August 23, 2006

The Mile Challenge

So to try and occupy my time I've been working or going to the gym while Jesse's been gone and yesterday the following occured:

a  buff latino guy steps onto the tredmill next to mine and asks, "Hey do you wanna take 'The Mile Challenge'?"

I ask, "What's the mile challenge?"

he responds "If I win, I get your number."

To which in my bitchy way I say, "NO!"

He then leaves. Fucker didn't even have the balls to continue running a mile next to me after being denied. He coulda laughed it off and been like "just kidding" and ran. Wuss.

Tuesday, August 22, 2006

I- I- I solated

I feel oh so very lonesome. Like my life has taken on the lyrics of a pathetic country song. My love has gone away. But he'll be back again someday. Doot-doot-doot-doot-doot. I feel so isolated from everyone and everything even though I have seen my friends and done more this weekend than I've done in months. Why do I feel this way? Why did that last line remind me of something that could have come from nookie? Sigh. Shuggie. Man I need to get laid...

Write the letter, but don't send it off...

I've been writing too many letters lately. Geez. And blogging in livejournal. Double Geez. Geez. Geez.

Saturday, August 19, 2006

stand by your man

i just spent a good deal of time looking at pictures of jesse. god i miss him so much! i cant wait to visit him!!!

Thursday, August 17, 2006

The Last Supper

Last night I had a dinner date with Jesse as a sort of last dinner before he left. He had a Denny's craving and I was at work late so it worked out being that its so close to my house. While there we contemplated robbing the place and whether we could get away with it or not. We over heard some scumbags talking about places they'd take a chick on a date and one guy said "I'd take her to Redondo and eat on the pier and then you can walk around and look at the shops and stuff. Then when i drop her off I'd kiss her and stick my tongue down her throat." I shit you not. Vile. Then when it came to ordering time, I wanted soup and they didn't have any dammit. So I got buffalo chicken strips and a salad with 1000 island dressing. THe guy comes out and gives me buffalo chicken strips with 1000 island dressing. Not meaning to sound like a bitch I asked for my salad, but Jesse said I told the guy. "Can I get salad with my dressing?" LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :::tilts head back and laughs::: sigh. Ok. Anyway, he corrects my order and the food was pretty shotty. Jesse asked to try one of my chicken strips and was like "Is that Tapatio on there?" refering to the sauce. Heh hehe. Afterwards, we went to the park and sat on the playground for a while contemplating the last few months together and what not. Oh, haha, backtrack: when we were in Denny's Jesse was joking around with me when the guys were talking about date locations he was like "Take her shooting!!!" hahahaha. Shooting. Sigh. I hear some scumbags outside... Anyway, it was a fun night as always. We agreed we had a lot of fun before we started dating. And we still do. Only difference is now we get shuggie. Heh yea shuggie. Happy sigh. Can't wait to see my man again. I am so proud of him and I love him to pieces. And I'm sorry if I sounded like a bitch to you when we used to talk on the ph one Jesse lol. I love you!

Monday, August 14, 2006

I picked a good Booger

A few months ago when I jumped into everything, I had fears that maybe people were right and it was a bad idea. But time went on and we created memories, even before everything there were memories like sitting at Las Fuentes just because you were in town and wanted to hang out or the night we stayed up listening to space ghost farts and hell burps for an hour laughing hysterically at 1 am, not caring if we would wake my parents up on a work night.

But to me it was more than just having good times and being friends enjoying life, it was a breath of fresh air, a wake up. You made me see life through my own eyes instead of behind the jaded eyes of others. You made me realize I was my own person capable of making my own decisions. You never treated me like I didn't get it or undermine my abilities to do things. You gave me back my confidence. I chose to be with you because I loved the way you treated me: like a person. I also loved how uninhibited we were around each other. Everything went and no one was safe, not even each other.

I remember the first time you took me out shooting and I set up our revolution picture and accidentally put your Ruger on the ground in a moment of "great photo op!" blindness and you said if I were your wife that would be a beatable offense and I laughed. I guess even before we were ever together there were always little hints that we would somehow wind up with one another.

I look back onto tonight where we were laying in bed laughing about god knows what and you spittled on me when you snickered and I wiped it on your shirt only to lead onto a spit-wipe-spit-wipe conetest. I know I can never find someone I will be able to joke around with like that. Ever.

You are so special to me my dearest Booger. I love you. I love being around you. I will miss you dearly and it still hasn't hit me that Thursday you will be gone. I keep thinking, oh I'll talk to you online and see you Saturday. Only this Saturday will be different. This saturday when I go out to Landcaster, it won't be to see you and that saddens me. I look forward to November when I will see you again, although these next few months will be lonely and I will miss you dearly.

All I can say, though, is we will make it work because we want it to work. I know because I picked a good Booger.

Saturday, August 12, 2006

Couldn't be uphill forever...

So this is what depression is like on medication. Its not too horrible but I still have it. I feel like I have become isolated from everyone I love. Like I try to reach out and no one wants to grab on. Its a horrible feeling because I feel like I need friends right now and I have no one. I feel completely empty and there isn't a damned thing I can do and no medications in the world can fix it. It's not chemical depression like the past but situational. I feel like I have no one and it seriously saddens me. Was it me? Am I not a likable person? Did I do something to piss the world off? I don't understand. I feel like my life is broken or breaking up right now.

Wednesday, August 9, 2006

gavin up to no good...again.

gavin goes to the back in screen print and plays this song by this spanish pop group RBD (pronounced reh-beh-deh) anyway the song was written for the world cup and sounds like a hybrid of spice girls backed by the backstreet boys and a mariachi band to a techno beat. yea fun, right? anyway he plays it and everyone stops w hat they're doing and is like what is this shit and get mad at him. i told him he's gonna have slashed tires or a gang of people wanting to beat him up after work. it was hillarious. the chorus goes mexico mexico something something something si fuerte mexico mexico something something something that rhymes with fuerte. hahahahahaha. im laughing so hard right now i hurt.

Tuesday, August 8, 2006

Phil Grossman

I had an energy spurt and decided to go to the gym for a late night work out. Whilst on the treadmill, I get a call at 10:00 PM.

Voice: Is this Jenny?

Me: Yes? Who is this?

V: Do you remember me?

M: Do I know you?

V: It's me, Phil from Oakpark.

M: I dont know any Phils from Oakpark.

V: Yea we met a few weeks ago. You gave me your number.

M: I don't think Iw oulda given anyone my number. I have a boyfriend.

V: (starts to cry) Aaaaahhhh nooo Jenny!! Do you do xanax and get drunk a lot?

M: No that's not me. You have the wrong number.

V: But I know it's you jenny!

M: Look, I can barely hear you I'm at the gym

V: (ANgry) You're at the gym!? IN front of all those people!?

V: (in tears hysterical) You don't understand were just friends. Its not like that. Fuck! I need a friend right now.

M: I'm sorry I don't know what to tell you. Maybe you should call one of your friends.

V: I don't have any friends!!!

M: Well that's not my problem. Sounds like someone played a cruel joke on you using my number and name which pisses me off cos someone is pretending to be me and using my info to reject people. So I'm equally pissed.

V: (Hysterical crying and screaming.)

M: What's your name again?

V: Phil Grossman. From Oak park.

M: Ok Phil, tell you what, let me get a pen and paper from the front desk and I'll get your number down. (gets a pen and paper from front desk) Ok so what's your info?

V: Phil Grossman. 818 ***-****. I'm from Oak Park.

M: (Bitchy) Ok look Phil, you just did a stupid thing. I don't want you calling this number again. You got the wrong Jenny. I'm blocking your number from this phone so don't even try to call back! (click)



Mr. Grossman ruined my workout.

Sunday, August 6, 2006

Weird dream 3

i had th is dream and all i remember part was jesse and i were in a hotel and i was trying to keep the door locked to keep the house cleaning out and jesse had a gun with him *duh*. the next think i know they stop trying to come in and a laser sighter comes in and is shining on jesse's shoulder and i was like "GET DOWN!!!" and they start shooting in the room at him. then, he's having a shoot out with the room service chick and the janitor who are downstairs and jesse asked me if i wanted to tr y shooting at them lol. i was like "NO!!! WE GOTTA LEAVE!!!!" it was so intense my heart was racing and my rapit heartbeat caused me to come out of that dream. hahahaha. so weird.

Wednesday, August 2, 2006

Gonna finish my degree finally...

I had an epiphany today on my way home from work: I need to finish my degree. Why? Cos I'm sick of knowing I have so many units and am so close to graduating (like 2 years of after work schooling pretty much.) Anyway, I know it's gonna be tough, but I can do it! I really want to get my damn degree. I figure I'll just take my general ed at Valley and whatever classes I need to finish up I'll just do at CSUN. A degree is a degree. At this point, I'm not very discriminatory as to where I go, I just want to complete my education. So that's one of my goals. I registered at valley today so we'll see what happens from here on out. Yay me! Procrastinating has only done so much for me, I need to learn more!

Over/Under Foot in mouth

so today gavin says i look like someone and that we are twins. i joked around that i had a jacket and about 40 lbs less. gavin then stated the person who is taller and fatter than me is closer to my weight than 40 lbs. frank said he thinks the person is over 40 lbs. gavin, who got caught with his foot in his mouth, tries then to talk his way o ut of this stating that he doesnt think im fatter than i am but that the other person is skinnier and im the constant. this was included with a chart he made as a half-assed attempt to save his ass from sounding like an asshole. i told him it's too late he said what he thinks. my face hurts from laughing at his attempts to recover. my conclusion: gavin thinks i'm fat and frank is hot.