Saturday, December 9, 2006
R.C.K., you tempting bastard, you.
i don't know where to start. i feel like i am this close to losing jesse. i don't think he wants to be with me because he feels like i'm not my own person. i think the charm has faded since he broke up with alissa and i'm no longer needed as a steppingstone for him. maybe that's my catastrophic thinking kicking in. i just was emotionally blank to what jesse was telling me and i felt pain but didn't express it. my heart has a deep feeling of pain. i have the urge to vomit. i keep saying i want to move to arizona cos jesse always talks about it and now he's like "i don't want to live in arizona" and it's my fault. he says i should move there cos thats what will make me happy. that won't make me happy. i could live in a box under a bridge with him and i would be happy. i don't think he understands that. instead he sees my wanting to wait for him as me staying in a bad situation and that i should move far far away and get away from everyone and everything. why is it a problem that i want to wait for him? i love him. i want to spend my life with him. instead he pushes me away. i don't want to be thrown out. i've found my niche in life already. i feel emotionally scorn.