Wednesday, February 28, 2007

Yellow purse

For the past few months I have been on the quest to find the perfect mustard yellow purse, prefereably like one of those hobo bags. I have yet to find one. I really want a yellow purse dammit! Help!

Tuesday, February 27, 2007

the depression state and the catastophic thinker

Just like outta nowhere SNAP!!! I have fluxuated back to depressed cycle. I spent a good deal of my night waiting for Jesse to come online and when he did he never IM'd me like he said he would and I made a big deal of it to myself that he is growing bored of me or something or was with his friends and would rather be with them than talk to me and I started going into my catastrophic thinking and thinking a whole world of ridiculous thoughts like what if he has another girl up there or something and is lying to me about the power being out. I don't know. When I go into catastrophic mode it is literally that: a catastrophy of my thoughts. I then become overwhelmed and start to have anxiety attacks. The next thing I know I'm convincing myself he doesn't love me anymore and never did and I decide to text him. Much after waiting for a long time and not hearing from him. Even though I am reluctant to do so because I am afraid to text him for God knows what reasons.

He calls me within seconds of receiving my text.

I don't answer right away cos I don't want him to know I am waiting. That would make me seem pathetic. Like I have no life outside of Jesse. Suddenly a positive thing starts to make me stress out but I get the phone. We talk shortly and he tells me the power went out again, which is why he didn't IM me. He needs to conserve his phone battery because he doesn't know how much longer the power will be out. Oddly Jesse knows when there's something wrong with me and he asks if I'm ok and I explain the situation to him. About how my magical bi-polarity decided I am going to be depressed now and how every little thing seems bigger and worse than what it is in reality. I told him how I don't want to take my meds cos of what they were doing to me. He praises me for being aware of my situation and confronting it. But he has to go. His phone isn't charged completely.

So now here I am at almost 1 am and I haven't been up this late in months on a work night. It's freezing. My back hurts, and I've taken about 5 advils hours ago with no success of killing any pain. I did have a weird manic moment where I decided to take my gun apart and put it back together again several times over during the course of an hour because I wanted to get good at it. I'm getting there. I posted video of it up on youtube. I'm not sure if I'll be able to sleep tonight. I don't know why my mind makes up such stupid shit. I know Jesse loves me and cares about me, but dammit, my mind drives me crazy. I guess as long as I know I'm wrong it's ok???

I think I'm also a little frustrated because I haven't seen Jesse in almost 3 months now and I worry that being away from me from so long will make him forget me. I know I could wait a lifetime for Jesse but I wonder if he could do the same or if he would become impatient and move on? Dammit now this is gonna drive me crazy and I won't be able to sleep. I seriously need some interaction with that man. I don't care what way shape or form, I just need something to put my mind at ease. And the fact that it's snowing up there and the power is out isn't helping any!

Waiting and patience

I see you online and then off line and online again and yet you don't send me any messages or acknowledge the fact I am here. Even though I ask you kindly to talk you still pass me by. Am I even that important to you anymore? Or am I simply a piece of ass back home? All I ask of you is for a few minutes to talk. Is that too much to ask for? I guess I'll continue to wait till I grow sleepy again and wrap up another night of not hearing from you.

The book...

Recent depression has caused me to write a letter in the book. I wish I could give it to you but you probably wouldn't have the time for it and if you did would say I'm being petty. I suppose I am but I am trying to be tolerant. I'll try to be more patient.

Feelin pretty shitty lately...

The last couple of nights Jesse said he would IM me or call me he hasn't. I don't know if he's just tired or doesn't feel like it but it makes me feel pretty shitty... and I feel depressed cos I sit around waiting for him and he never responds.

Monday, February 26, 2007

Just because I haven't written about it in a while doesn't mean it's changed a thing...

I just want to take a minute to mention how proud I am of Jesse for going to school and working as hard as he does to make ends meet. He really has a passion for what he's doing and will make whatever sacrifices to get it done. I'm very proud of him. But I also miss him very much...still... Even though I haven't really wrote about it in any blogs lately, I still miss him and love him with all my heart. I'm overcome with bittersweet feelings of sadness because I long to be with my sweetheart but then I'm happy for him that he is pursuing his dreams. My feelings are still the same as they were months ago. I miss him even more that his electricity is out up there and he won't be able to go online and must limit his phone usage to save his battery life. But dammit I miss my booger so much!!! I can't wait till he comes down for spring break. I'm kinda sad though cos I'll be in Hawaii two or three of the days he'll be down. Arrrgh!!! I can't wait till he's out of school and I can see him all the time. I honestly hope we wind up getting married one day cos I can't imagine spending the rest of my life with anybody else.

Saturday, February 24, 2007


I have decided I would like to one day have children so I can start my own militia and resurrect California.

Friday, February 23, 2007

I have mastered you Ruger!!!

Alas! After one failed attempt to disassemble/reassemble my Ruger Mark III, which was fixed much to the aid of Jesse, I got brave and ventured to disassemble/reassemble it on my own, this time with success!!! I am overwhelmed with pride. A deep sense of satisfaction. I have mastered you Ruger!!! Where's my medal???

Tuesday, February 20, 2007

Goobered ruger resolution

So this morning Jesse takes his gun and spends an hour trying to fuck it up like I did and it only takes him all of 30 seconds to fix the problem. So I call him and he talks me through it and at first I was having issues but then when he said to tap the gun a little bit, sure as shit everything fell into place and worked dreamily. After we got everything where it was supposed to go Jesse told me not to take my gun apart any more... at least till he can show me the right way to do it. Jesse is totally my hero for this one!!!

Goobered up ruger

Somehow along conversation Jesse asked if I took my gun apart and I said I was afraid to do it cos I'm not good with mechanical stuff. But lo and behold I was feeling brave tonight and I disassembled my gun completely and cleaned it out thoroughly. Yay! Then the hard part: putting it back together. I managed to get through steps 1-8 no prob. 9 became tricky but Jesse called and talked me through and then he had to answer to the damn bowling machines so he had to hang up. But I was able to make it through to steps 11 no prob from the point which he helped me. Then the final part: pull the bolt to check it was done right. Oh but it didn't go back all the way. Dammit. It was done wrong. So the manual says to repeat steps 6 -11. Ok. No prob. Only thing, I can't get the little switch knife like thing to open up all the way. Jesse called back and asked how things were going and I was frustrated. I think he was getting a little frustrated with me too cos what he was telling me to do wasn't working and it was like either I wasn't getting it or something was wrong. It was the latter. So I sent him a picture of what's wrong and I'm waiting to hear back on how I can fix it and I hope the answer isn't "mail it to me and I'll fix it." I seriously feel so stupid like I did something wrong, like, pftt i DID do something wrong. Seriously I feel dumb though. I can always get things done by following directions. Foods. Sewing. So what makes gun assembly any different? I feel so dumb right now. Like some sort of stupid girl who never shoulda ventured off into cleaning her gun cos that's man's work. Oh well. I needed to vent. I hope Jesse calls back soon...

Saturday, February 17, 2007

New Gun

So it's been a week almost since I've had my new gun. I've taken it out 3 times and gone through probably 750 rounds at least. I've taken 2 new shooters and taught them how to use my gun. It's been great. The little guy handles quite nicely. I do admit Josef may have some competition as I've rather fallen quite in love with Li'l Deuce Deuce.

Although, today was a good day. I took both my boys out for some shooting fun. It was great. I went with Danielle today and let her shoot the Mauser, which she wasn't as fond of. That was a whole other shooting experience for her and she opted to just watch me shoot it.

Anyhoo, I can't wait till Jesse comes down and teaches me how to take my .22 apart. I'm sure it's filthy in places I couldn't reach. None the less I've done my best to keep it as clean as I can to my best abilities.

Hooray for guns!!

P.S. I got m y next gun picked out. A .357 Ruger Vaquero revolver. Cute.

PPS... change of heart. I saw a Beretta .357 that looks just  like the RUger but is cheaper. might go witht that one instead as the color area is a lot cooler looking than the ruger.

Monday, February 5, 2007

Random .6: health issues

1. I took a deuce today and farted as it was coming out and it sounded as if my asshole ruptured. It in fact did not, just to assure you all.

2. I've been on the pill long enough now that my periods have gone from lasting on average 10 days to only being 4 - 6 days.

3. I was on my crazy pills for a few months and started to have concentration problems and thought it was cos I needed a higher dose. So I was switched to a higher dose and it was good then I started having "sleepy eyes" which is a sensation in which my eyes would roll upwards and I couldn't focus on anything in front of me. I stopped taking my meds cos of this and it was real bad on Friday, worse than I have experienced it previously. THen on Saturday and SUnday, I had no problems with it at all. I called my p-sychiatrist and told him about what was going on and he told me that so long as I felt balanced and that things were good that I should try staying off the meds for a while to see how things work out and as soon as I feel the slightest bit of uneasiness to contact him. So yea, I'm off the crazy pills now. I think a large part of my issues in the past were from a certain ex-boyfriend, but now that that's out of the picture and what not, a lot of my stress has gone away. So yes. I am in a good place right now. We'll see if it stays this way. Hopefully so cos then I'll be saving $240 a year in medication costs.