Tuesday, February 27, 2007

the depression state and the catastophic thinker

Just like outta nowhere SNAP!!! I have fluxuated back to depressed cycle. I spent a good deal of my night waiting for Jesse to come online and when he did he never IM'd me like he said he would and I made a big deal of it to myself that he is growing bored of me or something or was with his friends and would rather be with them than talk to me and I started going into my catastrophic thinking and thinking a whole world of ridiculous thoughts like what if he has another girl up there or something and is lying to me about the power being out. I don't know. When I go into catastrophic mode it is literally that: a catastrophy of my thoughts. I then become overwhelmed and start to have anxiety attacks. The next thing I know I'm convincing myself he doesn't love me anymore and never did and I decide to text him. Much after waiting for a long time and not hearing from him. Even though I am reluctant to do so because I am afraid to text him for God knows what reasons.

He calls me within seconds of receiving my text.

I don't answer right away cos I don't want him to know I am waiting. That would make me seem pathetic. Like I have no life outside of Jesse. Suddenly a positive thing starts to make me stress out but I get the phone. We talk shortly and he tells me the power went out again, which is why he didn't IM me. He needs to conserve his phone battery because he doesn't know how much longer the power will be out. Oddly Jesse knows when there's something wrong with me and he asks if I'm ok and I explain the situation to him. About how my magical bi-polarity decided I am going to be depressed now and how every little thing seems bigger and worse than what it is in reality. I told him how I don't want to take my meds cos of what they were doing to me. He praises me for being aware of my situation and confronting it. But he has to go. His phone isn't charged completely.

So now here I am at almost 1 am and I haven't been up this late in months on a work night. It's freezing. My back hurts, and I've taken about 5 advils hours ago with no success of killing any pain. I did have a weird manic moment where I decided to take my gun apart and put it back together again several times over during the course of an hour because I wanted to get good at it. I'm getting there. I posted video of it up on youtube. I'm not sure if I'll be able to sleep tonight. I don't know why my mind makes up such stupid shit. I know Jesse loves me and cares about me, but dammit, my mind drives me crazy. I guess as long as I know I'm wrong it's ok???

I think I'm also a little frustrated because I haven't seen Jesse in almost 3 months now and I worry that being away from me from so long will make him forget me. I know I could wait a lifetime for Jesse but I wonder if he could do the same or if he would become impatient and move on? Dammit now this is gonna drive me crazy and I won't be able to sleep. I seriously need some interaction with that man. I don't care what way shape or form, I just need something to put my mind at ease. And the fact that it's snowing up there and the power is out isn't helping any!

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