Saturday, March 17, 2007

A blog and a half about Arizona and what's wrong with the world these days...

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The desert is a place I go to clear my head and get away from all that is fake and evil in the world. There is nothing more than truth and beauty to experience there. That is as philisophical as this blog will get. Now to the good stuff.

Friday afternoon I got a hair up my ass to get away from the fakeness and false prophets that are in LA after random spells of depression and unbearable mood swings. No meds can cure that ruckus but a good spiritual kick in the ass will... and did. Anyway, around 3 or 4ish I booked a hotel and gathered a few belongings and necessities to go out on my journey. Somewhere along the 405 to the 118 (I travel the back way to avoid LA traffic) I get this hairbrained scheme to ask Lori to go with me since she's never been to the big AZ. She's still at work. She does not want to go but I pretty much convince her that in my depressed state it would be wise for someone to be with me to prevent any irrational decisions I might make. So she goes.

We go to Craigs house and wait forever and a half because she wants sand dabs and has to pack her luggage (a term I am not using candidly, no she packed luggage for an overnight trip...several clothing articles for various situations. Go figure.) None the less, we finally head out at 7:30 (way later than I hoped to leave!!!)

There are 2 stops on the way up to Arizona and only 2.

First stop: Beaumont. Baker's.
We pull into the parking lot around 9:30. We've made fairly decent timing so far. This means we can eat inside and pee and take our time since all is going good. Inside it is ran by a bunch of old freaks and the guy who took our order was this young guy named Fidel and I was tempted to say "Thanks Fee-deeehl" after purchasing my food just cos his name reminded me of Fidel Castro and I wanted to goof on him for whatever unknown reason, but I was kinda tired and not really in the mood. Which sets me back for what happens next. Some hillbilly motherfuckers come in trying to be all LA hardasses. One is wearing a tuxedo with sunglasses on his head, the other looks like your Abercrombie posterchild in white board shorts and a blue shirt that says PEACE, LOVE & CRABS and the third looks like one of those Columbine kids. There's another guy and girl with them but they leave or something for whatever reasons. Lori informed me of their conversation:

Guy 1: It's like ass when you spread it, that smell...
Guy 2: I'd just put some binaca on that shit...
Guy 1: That'd tickle...

I kept looking at them the whole time they were inside and Lori wasn't thrilled about that. You know the look. The "are you some kind of dumb fuck?" look. Anyway, I'm sure had I not been too busy with my half-assed cheeseburger and actually heard that conversation, I would have made a remark and Lori would have got mad at me cos I'd somehow be embarassing her. None the less, that did not happen so she is fine. Enough of that...

Now in Baker's they leave no stone unturned when it comes to food. You have your choice of hamburgers, tacos, veggie wraps, and you can get them in large combos aka PAPA MEALS or regular sized combos aka MAMA MEALS. The restaurant colors are royal blue and orange. Their food is horrible and fairly expensive, yet they have more business than the Mc Donalds right next door. This remains a mystery still to both Lori and myself. Baker's are also sprawled throughout the 909 and nowhere else. There is probably good reasoning for that.

After Baker's we get back in the car and drive another 2 hours to the next stop.

Stop 2: Blythe. Chevron.
Now I know what you're all thinking. Why Blythe and not Ehrinberg? Simple. When going up I do not feel like waiting forever and a half to get gas at the Flying J. Sure it's cheaper but I could care less about saving $0.30 per gallon if it's gonna save me 30 minutes of drive time.

When we pull up, some scuzzbag hovers around the car asking if he can wash our windows and I rudely tell him NO. He then goes off somewhere I don't see. I walk inside to pay and lo and behold who is there but Mr. Window Washer as well as some other cretins and they're mixin and mingling with the guy running the cash register. Where I come from, the gas station cashiers usually tell those kinds of riff raffs to fuck off and what not, but in Blythe, they welcome them. They even let them have a go at the soda machine. Fuck, I should have asked him to let me have some soda, he probably woulda given it to me. At least he let me use the employee bathroom instead of the scuzzy ass "public pay" bathrooms outside and around the corner...

We get our gas, Lori goes back to sleep, and we drive on.

Music: I spent probably 2 hours listening to Electric Six's Switzerland due to the fact my iPod battery was dying and we couldn't pick up any radio stations. Not even any AM! I'm not complaining, I'm just saying variety is a good thing on long drives.

2:15 AM: We arrive at the hotel. La Quinta. Spanish for everything and it's mother. There has been an error in my booking. I was originally set for a king bed, but the computers crashed and they said my room was showing up as Vacant Dirty. The guy behind the desk said he could get us 2 full beds, which Lori and I had no objections to at all. It was $10 cheaper and we got our own beds. I joked with Lori, who had to pee, that our room would be on the fourth floor at the end of the hall. Sure as shit, that's exactly where our room was. Around 2:30 AM we get all settled in and call it a night.

The next morning was kind of rough. We had issues waking up, but we managed to get out and going around 9ish.

Breakfast: Superstition. Waffle House.
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Lori had heard rumors of the Waffle House, but never experienced it first hand. When she saw the sign off the side of Idaho Road, she screamed to pull over, so I did. Waffle House in Superstition is pretty bad ass. They were playing Johnny Cash on the jukebox. Lori and I got a big ass breakfast that included eggs, toast, a plate of bacon, a big ass waffle, and hash browns (mine had cheese mixed in.) I couldn't finish my food and it wound up giving me a stomach ache but it was good.

Afternoon Delight: Superstition. Goldfield Ghost Town.
I took Lori out to Goldfield. We walked around and had to pee. I don't remember of any of the times ever going there the bathroom having two toilets, but it had 2 toilets. The weird thing was it was a single stalled bathroom. No walls. No partitions. Just toilets.

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(TANGENT 1: Lori is regretting not letting me take a picture of her in Baker's with the goofy fuckers behind her now.)

After we peed together...side by side... sharing our special moment together... we headed off to the reptile museum.

(TANGENT 2: MY toilet that I got to use was sprayed with diarrhea. Lori says it looks like there was brown stucco inside the toilet bowl. I concur.)

We looked at the reptiles. That cool. Lori wanted to know what to do in case we got bit by a rattlesnake, but I told her that wasn't gonna happen, but she insisted on knowing anyway. And then she had to ask the at the counter who probably could give a shit why to keep the leg below heart level. Lori has had CPR training. This lady probably hasn't had more than a 6th grade education. She was also fat if that make a difference... Lori says for running a reptile museum she had N O knowledge at all. Lori learned more from the first aid poster on the wall (which yes, she did read. And below that poster was a poster which I probably should have taken a picture of but it says DO NOT TOUCH THIS ANIMAL and shows a rattlesnake and the tail with the rattle was circled in red to point it out.)

Before that, we had signed up to go horseback riding. It was almost 1 and that was the time we were scheduled to go. We sat around. The guys working there loved my Guns Don't Kill People...I kill People shirt and kept telling each other to look at my chest. Not my t-shirt, my chest. Granted I have small boobs. I don't it either...

While waiting for the rest of the 7 people to show up for the horseback ride, which is a whoooooole other story, just wait... there was another crappy gunfight reinactment (sp?) Wow. Where do I start. Ok, they clear the streets and do this gunshow thing. They do them like every hour or so but it seems more frequent than that. Basically at the end of the gunshows, the prostitutes kill the guys, whatever. Anyway there were these kids with these heffers up on the top of the hill watching the gun show and they were totally freaked out. The one kid looked like he was gonna start crying because I guess he thought the people actually WERE shooting each other and he was witnessing real deaths. Granted, this is a bizarre scenario. I mean, you can't tell me this kid didn't know this was fake. Seriously, if they really were killing people, does he think the whole town and tourists are gonna sit on the sides of the streets watching it and not do something? Those people had to be the people whose car was from Ontario cos I don't know of any other places pacifist enough to just watch a murder happen and not do anything, but enough of that. Here's a picture of the kids all freaked out. Lori got mad that I took their picture cos she was like, "They're gonna notice you!!!" She worries too much about what other people think. Who cares?

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Speaking of dumbasses, this guy was posing and I took a picture of him too cos he looked so touristy. Lori says he reminds her of Balki from Perfect Strangers...

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Finally like half an hour later the group of 7 people show up for the horseback ride. Just our luck it's a group of Japanese tourists who don't speak any English and keep saying Aaah John Wayne! Lori and I were confused as to why a group of Japanese people would come to Arizona and go to Goldfield. There's so much to this story it's fuckin loaded!!! I gotta break this one down.

1. Clothing.
1/3 of the group had fanny packs. One of these aforementioned fanny packs looked to be the size of a jansport backpack plopped on the front of their body. It was hot pink. The other was a multitude of colors predominantly purple. 3/4 of them were wearing polyester in various forms. The elders were outta control with polyester. One lady was wearing khaki slacks with this white silk shirt with ruffles down front in gold and a design of Maltese dogs in baskets with some weird chain design that seemed out of place with the dogs cos it was like a nautical chain. It just made no sense! It baffled me! And I was behind her looking at this shirt for an HOUR! One old man was wearing a bright yellow polo shirt. They all had touristy looking safari hats on. I just shake my head in confusion cos I don't know what else to think about this!

2. Language.
None of them spoke any English. One sorta did. She was the "interperator" as not one, but two ranch hands called her. One of the tour guides said "It's funny how they don't know English, but they understand sign language" and he rubbed his fingers together as if motioning out doling out cash. Me and Lori laughed. Up at the sign in station, the guy doing the booking was like "Koooh-neee-cheee-waaaaah! I've been to your country two times!" Lori thinks it was to bomb it. I told Lori it would be funny if he were speaking Japanese to them but they were of other Asian descent. But Lori confirms they're Japanese.

3. Horses and the Ride.
They doled out horses. The guides pointed and said the horse name and when they called the horse, t he person who was given that horse was to come and get on it. They give this little old man the biggest fucking horse named Hank. He keeps saying AAAH HAAAHNK over and over again with a big ol' smile on his face. They would blurt out JAH WAAAHNE and they seemed to also understand the words Cowboy and Cowgirl. So at various points of the ride, the guide would turn around and go COWBOY! COWGIRL! and they would all wave. I think the guides felt sorry for me and Lori cos they let us pick up the rear so we didn't have to be around that ruckus. I feel kind of bad cos I didn't have much money to tip the guys and me and Lori were the only ones to tip them. Cheap ass tourists.

After the ride we went to the saloon and this drunk ass guy comes up to us and was like "You girls meet any cowboys yet?" and we were like "Yea at the horse rides" and Lori was like "You must be the town troublemaker" and I was like "You must be the town drunk" and the guy starts talking to the bartender "Tommy" about how he's a good guy, etc. but I think he eventually got the point to leave.

Lori and I then decided to head out to superstition and hike in the lost dutchman park. And of course we couldn't leave cos there was another goddamn gun fight. But we finally got out.

(TANGENT 3: There was this black Prius that was haulin ass down main street in Goldfield when we were waiting to go horseback riding. It didn't even break or anything for pedestrians and was totally out of place.)

(TANGENT 4: I'm trying to ask Lori for help remebering things and she's crashed out on my bed. I called her a Faggot. She grunts in anger.)

DUSK DELIGHT: Superstition. Lost Dutchman Mine Park.
We came and left so fast we didn't even say goodbye. We were ready to hike up to see all of Phoenix from atop of the trail, but after my camera battery died after a few snap shots, I was bummed and decided we should just go home. I told Lori to get a rock for Craig because prior to us leaving Craig said there was nothing in Arizona other than crack and Lori to bring her a rock back. I mistook what he was saying, so no we did not bring a rock back. In fact, we didn't bring anything back for anyone. I did buy a bullet pen and Lori bought a wooden whale. A fucking whale!?! In Arizona!!! I shake my head in disappointment...

There is only 1 stop on the way home from Arizona and there is good reasoning for this.

Stop 1: Ehrinberg. Flying J.
We go to the Wendy's at the Flying J. Lori orders a bacon burger with fries and a medium coke. I order some ham and cheese thing and a side ceasar salad and medium coke. After sitting Lori sees they put a Junior meal something something and she goes to have them correct it. Later they call our number and she gets the food. She sees my face and says "They fucked up your order and don't feel like dealing with them again. You're eatin fries." and she throws the tray onto the table.

Meanwhile, I spy a guy with a Meximullet and a murse. He's fat too if that matters. I took a picture of him and sent it to Jesse, but I don't know if he got it or not. Then these dipshit bros come in wearing lame ass board shorts and no t-shirts. I comment how stupid they look and Lori was like "Are you mad at the world? You seem to hate everyone!" and I was like "great no you too. No Lori, I'm not mad at the world. I don't pick on people to make myself feel better. I'm not bitter, I'm just an asshole." And Lori got all mad cos I was saying this in front of children. I don't give a shit if I cuss around kids. My theory is they'll hear it somewhere.

After we eat, we get junk food and stock up for the ride home. There will be no more stops. Wrong.

Here's why we don't stop outside of the Flying J:

We pull over at an ampm/Arco to pee. I get a little more gas when in Rome. While Lori is peeing, I spy a white Ford Explorer packed with black teenagers. It's 5:1 male:female ratio. I guess since there aren't any clubs out there, the hip thing to do on a Saturday night is go to the gas station and blast your music and dance in front of your car while everyone looks at you like you're some kind of damned idiot. It wasn't just me. I just had the balls to stare. I even tried to take pictures of it to send to Jesse but they didn't come out good enough cos of the glare. I called Jesse several times but my phone was acting up but he called me back and I explained to him the situation and he was like "Oh you don't need to send me pictures, I totally get the scenario..." And that's why we don't make multiple stops on the way home from Arizona.

We took the 101 home and there was this minivan covered in bumper stickers and the driver was holding what looked like a 20" wooden cross outside the window and his passenger was clapping and singing most likely songs of worship. Lori told me to stop looking at him and to watch the road. Damn distractions.

(TANGENT 5: For 2 miles on the 10 in Arizona we had to exit the freeway completely cos they were doing roadwork and it tacked on an extra 20 minutes to our ride home dammit! All the roads in Arizona were being worked on when we were out there. It sucked butt!!!)

(TANGENT 6: On the way home Lori and I were listening to some bad disco we were able to pick up on the radio. We were singing our hearts out to the passing cars MACHO MAN and IT'S RAINING MEN... which we heard like three times on various stations tonight!!!)

Anyway, we got home around 11:30 and I started blogging. Lori insisted I put pictures in this blog. Other random facts about our trip: it was 94 degrees. We ate a lot of junk food. I was running off of a lot of caffeine. I didn't pee as much as I normally do. I've had a weight of stress lifted from me. I feel much better now.

The End.

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