Saturday, June 30, 2007

"What have you done with your art? Nothing!"

I spent 3 years not painting because I had been broken down creatively. I was told what I was doing wasn't good enough. I lost who I was as an artist and focused on business. Today when I was doing laundry I was thinking. I had a lot of time to think between cycles and folding. I sat watching all the Mexican women folding their laundry and their kids running around unsupervised screaming and pissing me off. I watched them folding their 80 lbs of laundry throughout the course of the hour. I then got back to folding my laundry: my clothes, Jesse's clothes, our sheets, our towels. It was a picturesque moment of a building of women doing women's work. Women not watching their children. Women folding their clothes and clothes of their men's. It was a contrast from the LA scenery of women not believing in cleanliness because it is counter-feminist. This is a different town. Out here people have old fashioned morals. Cleanliness is close to Godliness. Men are men and women are women. I came to realizing today that I am simply a woman living in a feminist world with counter-feminist beliefs. I am not spending my life trying to make a name for myself, I am trying to find a mate. I do the things I do in hopes of landing Mr. Right (in this case, hopefully Mr. Teague.) Anyway, I am not some feminist. I am a normal person. I paint. Today I painted again for the first time in 3 years. I painted the magical moment I saw of the women doing their chores in the lavandaria. And I'm going to paint more. More scenes of mundane life. Not because I'm making some sort of statement, but because that's my story. That is who I am. I am a woman living my life in this world in search of a husband. Sometimes art isn't about coming up with the next great thing, but just telling tales of daily life. Today I realized it is time. I am ready to paint again. It's not some deep philosophical content. Just daily life. On another note, I have decided to take my art experiences and I submitted a proposal to teach at the local community college an art class. They showed some interest in the course proposal and are going to submit my idea to their class committee for the Spring 2008 semester. We'll see what happens. To the person who questioned what I've done with my art, I tell them, I've done exactly what I want to do with it. I'm not trying to become a famous artist or make lots of money after I got out of college. I just want to live my life and continue my art minus the stress. I've done more with my art than you'll ever do with anything in your lifetime.

June 30, 2007

It just phased me that today was June 30. No big deal, right? No big deal. A few years ago it was a big deal. A few years ago I wanted to get married to a turd. I wanted to get married June 30, 2007, reason being, it would be 6th year anniversary of us being together on the 6th day of the week, 6th month of the year. It was supposed to be our cheezeball 6-6-6 wedding, a spoof on everyone wanting to do a 7-7-07 wedding. Dipshit never proposed. We were never engaged. It was just a thought I had when I thought he was the person I was supposed to spend my life with (reasoning I don't want to get into at the moment, those of you know the situation know the story.) Anyway, I didn't spend my June 30th walking down the aisle. I spent it doing laundry. Laundry for myself and another man. A man who changed my life over a year ago and washed away the dream, if you will, for lack of better words, of getting married to a sloth. A year later, I am still not married. I am still not engaged. I sat in the lavandaria thinking about how I would make someone a good wife one day. I don't have any regrets for never marrying dipshit. In fact, my only regret with him was that I didn't dump him earlier. Instead I wasted 5 years of my life with him. Lesson learned: life doesn't always happen the way you think it is supposed to. Sometimes there is another plan for you, one that you aren't even aware of. Who knew I'd be spending the supposed day I was supposed to one day get married in Avalon on the beach doing laundry for another man in Reno. This isn't how I planned my life out to be, but quite frankly, I think it's all for the better. Hopefully this other man sees how much I do for him unlike dipshit, and realized how much I love him and how willing I am to serve him and take care of him, and hopefully, one day, it won't take a threat of breaking up or leaving to get a proposal. Maybe one day, he'll realize, I would make a DAMNED good wife and he'd be lucky to have me as his wife. So for the rest of this canceled wedding day, I suppose I'll go fix the bed, put away the laundry, clean the house, and think of what I'll make for dinner.

Weird Dream #8

This morning right before I woke up to pee, I had this dream Jesse and I were getting married. The ceremony was to take place at my parent's house. I was having dress issues. My dress was black and green and I had this little white jacket and it wasn't looking right. I wound up wearing an all green dress with the little white jacket and my family was having issues with the fact my dress wasn't white. (Personally I have this idea where if I ever got married I'd want a dress with green in it somewhere... end tangent.) Anyway someone tipped off Matt that I was getting married and he shows up at my parents house in shorts and a t-shirt and flip flops, all scruffy, hair in disarray, not shaved and looking like a slob. He starts giving me crap about me getting married and I told him to get over it. That we haven't been together in over a year and that he needs to leave. Then I tell him he looks like a slob and was like "What kinda scumbag goes to a wedding dressed like that!?" and I throw him out of the house. Meanwhile, Jesse is in the backyard waiting for me. I guess he overhears the arguing and comes in to see what's going on. I run to my room because I don't want him to see me in my dress yet. Then my bladder woke me up. I really hate dreams of wedding day issues. I just remember I was crying the whole time because of my dress not working out, my shoes not being right, dipshit coming in to ruin my wedding. I just have these fears that one day when I do get married, something bad is going to happen lol.

Friday, June 29, 2007

Fun in the oven

This week things have been heating up in our lovely little city of Reno. So today we decided to go to the Sparks Marina for some fun in the sun. I discovered the Sparks Marina online earlier in the week while looking for places to go fishing out here. Basically it's this man-made lake in the heart of Sparks with a little beach where you can go swimming. I got my bathing suit and we headed out there. It looks very much like Lake Balboa with the lake, a playground, grass and trees and tables. But then you get to this little beach area. They have a food court, a sandy beach, lifeguard towers. The beach reminded me very much of Avalon. Its a little beach in a cove at the lake with a diving platform. We ate Wienershnitzel and then headed off to the beach. Jesse sat on my towel and I stripped down to my bathing suit. He told me to have fun and I walked off in fear of how cold the water was going to be. I stepped out an walked in and soon I was like maybe 20 feet out and the water felt cool like a swimming pool. It wasn't all ass-freezing like waters in California when you go to the beaches. It was nice. Really nice. It felt like it was like in the low 70's or something. I kept walking out and then I walked back and gave Jesse my glasses and went back out, completely submerging myself into the water. Next thing I know I'm swimming off to the dive platform and jumping into the lake. I must have got too much of a running start or something cos the minute I hit the water my bikini top went all haywire and my boobs were out! But that's nothing a quick readjustment could fix...and did! After that I swam around some more and did one or two more dives and I think I was in the water for maybe an hour. I had so much fun! Jesse and I are planning on going back so he can swim too. :)

Thursday, June 28, 2007

And in other news...

Since Saturday I've been having the gnarliest stomach ache. I was having runny poop earlier but that stopped. But I've been having dry heaves and really bad headaches and dizziness. I don't have a fever so I don't know if it's the heat or what... but it hasn't even been hot so maybe its this high altitude or something.

Either our apartment has a ghost or Huv has followed me out to Reno. Three nights ago I was lying awake in bed and I saw someone standing at the foot of the bed by Jesse and then it just moved towards the closet. I'm going to say it wasn't Huv cos that's not of his nature to just appear to me. So I think that's someone else. But I think Huv was playing tricks on us two nights ago. We heard ruckus outside from the people downstairs and were in bed and looked out the windows and the next thing we know a light comes on in the living room. It was my computer. It had been in a power save mode but had taken itself off of it. Jesse said it was because it did some auto update but it's been in power save mode before and did updates and never turned itself on. The only way it can turn back on is if someone moves the mouse. That's more along the lines of Huv's M.O.

I've realized that people who have problems don't broadcast them. People who have self-inflicted problems flaunt their disorders and the pills they're on and compare and contrast who takes what, becoming experts in pharmaceuticals. They want to be known for their so called diseases and try to one up each other as to who has more drugs and problems. Whereas the people who are truly ill do not discuss such things, try to get off their meds, and want to live normal lives. It makes me think of that part in that movie Shop Girl where that chick gets into her relationship and thinks she's happy so she stops taking her meds and like one day at work everything kinda gets all weird and what have you. She falls back into this depression and her boyfriend calls and calls and tries to figure out what's wrong and she asks him, "Have you ever taken anti-depressants?" at which point he takes her to the doctor and she gets put back on meds. She wasn't out there flaunting it. Till the shit hit the fan and she pretty much had to come clean. Sometimes people can handle things and get on with their lives, sometimes it takes more work than they thought. Sometimes it's beyond them and they can't control it. The normal brain sees a problem, realizes it for what it is and gets on with things. The diseased mind sees a problem, dwells on it, starts looking for all other possible bad things that could go wrong, ultimately ending up with the worst case scenario, thus resulting in some form of anxiety, depression, or god knows what. There are ways to control how you think. Most of which involve ruling out pros and cons of situations and realizing that not every bad situation is catastrophic. But it takes years to train your mind to stop doing such things. You can't make a split decision instantaneously when you're not of a rational mind. A normal person looks at a situation and doesn't understand why a diseased mind reacts the way it does. Just as a diseased mind doesn't understand why a rational person doesn't see things the way they do. And a mind in training knows the normal process of thoughts and the right way about things but still has that diseased part telling them they are wrong and starts to throw millions of negative theories at them at once, trying to trick them into their disease. As if it's some sort of way the brain subconsciously tells you "You are not normal. Accept it." Which is odd because most people who are not of a normal mind don't recognize their problems. They think they're right and everything is ok. Then someone tells them they're messed up and they don't want to accept it. Acceptance is the first step to recovery. So there's this weird turmoil inside your head. Like Vietnam for the brain. There are no winners. Two sides are fighting and losing more each day. In the end, the results are unsuccessful. Flaws are chemically driven, yet there is no simple answer as to what chemicals you can use to balance the problems. Everything is hit and miss. Everything has some sort of unwarranted side effect. It makes you not care anymore. You don't care about problems. But you also don't care about good things. You don't care about anything. You become a zombie. Sometimes you just want to sleep all the time because you are so fatigued. Sometimes you get sick and throw up all the time. You grow cold and distant towards people. Some people enjoy these side effects. For them they would rather spend their life numb and void of feelings instead of trapped by the chaos of emotions they feel for everything. Others choose to try and control their problems and their life. But it doesn't happen over night. It takes time. It helps to have a strong person who can shake you and say "Come to your senses!" But at the same time, that person needs to know you're trying your hardest. You want things to be normal as much as they do. And one day they will be. They need to understand that. As long as you have them in your life, you are in a much better place than whey you didn't. And they might see things as being bad, but they have no idea how much worse it was before they were there. They don't see it, but you've come a long way with their help. You appreciate them very much. Together, everything will be ok...

Tuesday, June 26, 2007

Affects of Reno on the body

I'm still getting used to being at a higher elevation. Back home we were low in the valley. Got lots of the smog. Breathing sucked. Up here it's totally different. I haven't really had any breathing problems yet. My sense of smell is even coming back! I've been able to smell certain things like the gun cleaning solutions, lemon juice, and beefy things. It's pretty bad ass. I can't smell super faint things or floraly things yet. My nose hasn't learned to register those smells. I've also become really farty. The high altitude is giving me all sorts of gnarly gas. It's weird because like when I'd come up and visit Jesse, I didn't have that but like after being here like a month, well, the gas is kicking in. Jesse says it goes away after like 6 months. I've also had this burning sensation in my nose. I believe that's because my nose is feeling clean air for the first time in 20 something odd years. Air not coated with the thickness of smog. It gets dry and I get bad boogers, sometimes bloody ones, but it's getting a little better. I've also developed really regular bowels. It's sorta runny sometimes or like I get mudbutt but for the most part, anything that goes in comes out instead of lingering for days. It's cool. I guess. Anyway its weird how this shit is happening with my body out here. I hope with the walking we're doing and the constant shitting I lose some weight. We'll see.

Monday, June 25, 2007

Mein Herz, meine Liebe, mein Leben

Mein Jesse,

Every moment with you is the best moment of my life. Each day brings happiness. I love you unconditionally. My heart belongs to you. You are my love, my life, my everything. Even when you are in the other room, knowing you are here brings me peace. When you will go to school, I am comforted knowing you are only a short drive away. I dream of the day you one day might ask me to marry you. I want for nothing more than to be your wife and to spend the rest of my life with you. You are my world and I love you.


Love,
Jenny

Greedy Bitches

Today I was watching the Real Housewives of the OC. I was disgusted by the likes of the women on that show. They're nothing but a bunch of botox-loaded gold digging greedy bitches. One girl said she was 23 but it said later on the show she is actually 26, so we have the vanity aspect, lying about their age, and they're not even old! She was dating a man who looked to be in his 40's. Now I doubt she had low self esteem and thought she couldn't do better than him, granted he stated he had 6,000 square foot home. She lived in LA, where her friends and party life were, but would trek out to the OC to her sugar daddy. Then there was this other bitch who got engaged. She was at a bbq and boasting about her 5.25 carat diamond ring. 5.25 carats!!! I'd be happy if i even got a .25 carat ring and she's gloating about her 5.25 just so she can one-up the other chick who had a big ass ring!? It was disgusting. These women are so into control and materialism and their possessions and one lady even stated she thinks so many people are into keeping up with the Jones's and she felt she was the Jones's. Anyway it's just sickening to see women do shit like that. Using men to benefit themselves. They too were once those pretty girls who knew they were pretty and used people to get ahead in life. None of those bitches knows what its like to work a day in their life. I hate those kinds of women! I have this innermost desire to just deface these women and mutilate them to steal their beauty they thrive on. The looks that have got them by throughout life. Sure they have huge houses, nice clothes, amazing jewelery, and lots of money, but none of those bitches have decent relationships. All of them had families that practically were falling apart and they live these facade fairytale lives. Deep down they're miserable. They hate their husbands, their kids, their friends, talk shit about all of them because they hate who they are. It makes me think of a lot of people I've known throughout life... Lesson learned: being pretty or a gold digger doesn't make someone happy.

Sunday, June 24, 2007

The Great Soap Bullet

Last night Jesse decided to shoot soap bullets in the house. Hoss taught him how to make bullets out of .22 with soap or wax. You can shoot it and when it hits its target it just splatters and doesn't do any damage. So he tried one last night on the mystery bag and it vanished. He wanted to shoot again but I realized it was like 10:30 so it might not be a good idea cos the neighbors might call the cops and say we're shooting guns or something. So today he tried the soap bullet again on the fridge target. Amazing!

Night walks

About a week ago, Jesse and I started this thing where we would go on walks at night. Originally it started I'd say last Saturday. We were watching tv and I was about to go to bed. When I was lying in bed I heard some kids in the alley making all sorts of noise. I looked out the window and saw them walk down to the fence by Locust and heard shaking sounds like that of a Krylon can and saw them standing by the fence. I called Jesse and told him I think the kids were tagging. We watched them. Then they started walking back down the alley towards where they came from (the apartments close to Wells.) We then thought it would be amusing to go out for a walk and see what they had been up to. So we got dressed and put on our boots and went out. Sure enough there was new tagging on the wall. We continued to go around the block and decided to go up to Wells and walk down through their alleyway. We saw some kids hanging out by their side when we left. And when we were coming back, we saw two kids go check out a sign, probably to see if their tagging was on it or if someone crossed it out. When they saw us, the scuttled off like cockroaches when you turn the lights on.

Anyway, from that night on, we started going on these night walks. The next night it was the same thing. Around midnight, go out, walk around the block, take the dog to pee, go home.

After that, we started going a little earlier because the dog had to pee. So we would take her, walk around. By this point we started going down more streets. We would walk down to Ryland and back up, zig-zagging through the streets til we got home.

I had mentioned on Thursday night that we had walked so far we should walk down to the strip but Jesse said no because we didn't have a good enough route planned out and other reasons as well. But that only armed us for Friday night. During the day, we went to check out the mail man protest and support them but by the time we got there their protesting was over. So we decided to drive down to the strip and find a route to get there and back. Friday night we walked down to the strip with the pug dog around 10. It was very colorful and lively. Lots of great sights to see. We found this little sight seeing rest stop area with these cool fountains by the Truckee River that over looked some huge Mason building.

So when we got back home, I had a tea and we decided to see how far we live from the strip. Surprisingly it's only 1.5 miles to get there. So we walked about 3 miles that night. It was rather enjoyable so we went back again last night. I made the mistake of wearing my cowboy boots. My feet are still paying for it this morning. There were even more sights to see Saturday night. It was almost as amusing as Wally World in Lancaster no a Sunday!

I'm convinced this drugged out guy tried to steal my purse and when he noticed me look at him try to swipe it he quickly swooped down and was like "Oh what a cute dog! Let me pet your dog!" and I didn't let him pet her. She tried to sniff him but I pulled her away and kept walking. Granted, it is a strip. There are people drinking and doing drugs. Aside from your tourists and random douchebags, there are also the small groups of derelicts who frequent the strip trying to prey on unsuspecting walkers.

Anyway, its Sunday, so I don't know if we're walking to the strip again tonight or if we're going to go our normal route. I just know Jesse and I love our night walks. We get to go out, enjoy the fresh Sierra Nevada night air, enjoy our little town and talk to each other sans distractions like TV and internet. It's the one time in the day we pretty much throw everything aside and use it to catch up with each others lives, talk about politics, life, the future, the past, anything and everything. Its our hour or so of bonding. It's rather pleasant. Sometimes in life things get busy and you don't really have time for people. But we make sure no matter what, we make time to talk. Granted we talk to each other all day about whatever, but our night walks are our special time when things get put out on the table and seriously are discussed. It's good. They make us really happy. Dr. Laura would be proud of us for the night walks. :)

Friday, June 22, 2007

Ephiphany

There is a rule book for life. It's unwritten, but the story is always the same. Go to school, get a good job, have a family, own a car, own land. That is what is supposed to be your dream. The American dream. To succeed in life. But who wrote this rule book? Who came up with these rules?

The Bankers.

They are the force that runs this country. Greed is the American dream. Their desire to get richer while you only sink further and further into their trap.

When I was young my parents and teachers always stressed the importance of going to college. My parents never went to college. They managed. They had cars, kids, a house. But they didn't have more. They didn't have vacations to Hawaii or nice clothes. They wanted us to have what they never had so they stressed going to college to better ourselves.

I went to college. It was expensive. I figured it was an investment. The bankers who gave me the loans to go to college convinced me it was a great investment. I would be investing money into my skills to better myself and I would one day advance in society and be one of the coveted people that had what I had grown up not having. They were nice. They gave me loans. Lots of loans. Subsidized loans. Unsubsidized loans. I had no idea what any of that meant but I signed the papers because I needed the money because I needed to go to college to get ahead.

Before I could get those loans I needed credit. I knew this ahead of time. Back when I was in high school. When I turned 18 I got a nice little letter in the mail from Capital One. They said they would give me a credit card. Because I didn't have any prior credit, they would charge me an annual fee of $34 but if I signed up now I would have the fee waived. I had a $200 limit. That was a lot of money for me. I was making $40 a week at the time and $200 was a treat. I was responsible with my credit card. I made small purchases and paid it off at the end of the month. I did this every month. But then a nice banker told me when I was applying for loans for school earlier that I didn't have enough credit. That I would have to open another credit card or two. So I did. I started making small purchases on those and paying them off at the end of the month. Sometimes I spent more than I made so I would take some money from one credit card and use it to pay off another, juggling my accounts.

By the time I got my loans, I had established credit. So the lenders were eager to give me loans. Fortunately, by the time I got into college I had a better job. I was making twice what I was making at my high school job. I thought I was doing pretty good. Oddly enough, in my job, I was fresh out of high school, didn't have a college education yet, but I was making good money. Now this should have been a sign to me but I was young and naive and didn't know about the trap. I just knew about the rule book and to follow the rules and follow the book play by play in order to have that so called "good life".

Unfortunate circumstances caused me to get laid off. I was out of work for 3 months. In that time, my bills started to fall behind. Fortunately, I was living at home, not paying rent, didn't have a car payment, so it wasn't a huge deal to me to have my credit cards fall behind. The lenders would be understanding. They had clauses in their paperwork stating forbearances if you fell behind financially or became unemployed. But that's not how they really are. They put on smiley faces to make you feel optimistic but in reality they smile their wolfish grins waiting to attack you when you're down. Instead of helping you out, they sell your account to collections.

Collections agencies are even scuzzier than the lenders. The lenders know you can't afford things but still try to suck your money out of you with little interest rates and hidden fees. Collections agencies throw in huge fees. Late fees. Unpaid balance fees. High interest rates. They know you can't pay them and they make the fees higher and higher. Then they try to pull the nice guy act. We'll work with you. Your original balance on your account is maxed out at $200 and after our fees its now $500, but we'll let you pay $250 in two installments. They try to sucker you. It's a small amount to pay compared to the huge amount they've originally thrown at you. Perhaps if you're stupid or scared, you pay that amount and work with them. And then they've made a $300 profit off of you. I refuse to pay anything that has gone into collections. Arrest me for embezzlement. I haven't stolen any money. I have no issues paying off my maxed out balances, but I'll be damned if I pay your profit-fees.

So, we've gone to college, got a job, now what? Oh, yes, get a car. Well, the old car was good. It worked for many years. It still does. Why do I not have it? Because the rule book says in order to be happy, I need a new car. I have no money saved up because I'm trying to pay the college loans back. They were around 29,000 when I left. After paying them for some 2 or 3 years, they are still at 29,000. I am not a genius when it comes to math. But, every month I pay $200. $200 times 12 is $2,400. $2,400 times two or three is around $4,800 or $5,200. Technically speaking, my loans should go down to $24,000 or $25,000, right? Well, these tricky lenders who give you the loans always tack on interest rates and hidden fees. If you pay online you have to pay a $5 fee. If you pay by check it's a $5 fee. If you let them deduct it automatically from your checking account, you actually get a 0.0025% discount on your loans! Those sick sons of bitches! I'm not giving you my checking account information! I don't need you taking out your money and then some because of whatever random fee you might throw in, thus cheating me out of my money!

But back to the car. Thanks to going to college, I now have no money saved up. I also have 12 loans out in my name, so to make it look better I consolidate my loans. Now instead of 12 $2,500 loans I have one $30,000 loan. The car dealership knows I need a car. Much like the lenders who were nice and helped me go to college, they'll be nice and help me pay for my car. They have this pretty little offer. They're nice, after all. They're helping me out. They state this over and over again drilling it into my brain. Things might not be that great, but they're bending over backwards to help ME out. Without THEM, I have NOTHING. So I get a car. I get slapped with a high interest rate because I have bad credit. I have bad credit because I went to college. Because I was unemployed and never bounced back. Because the scumbags in collections are trying to fuck me over for money they don't deserve that I don't even have! But the nice people at the car dealership will give me that car. They know I can't afford it. But they work for the same goddamn person that's taking all my other money. They're all puppets under the great marionette artists of the wonderful bankers of this country. But lo and behold, I wind up getting a car. If I finance through them, I get $3,500 cash back. I can use that cash back as my down payment. So I can use their money to give back to them so I can get their car and give them my money for the car. I get a high interest rate. 14%. But they assure me they're helping me. That I need this car. That without it, I am helpless. Naive me believes them. Naive me believes they're actually doing me a service. They slap on all these other hidden fees. Service plan. What's that? I pay an extra few thousand on my loan amount in order to get discounts on my maintenances. In reality, I've paid full cost for ALL my maintenances since I've had that car! I haven't seen one discount yet! Then they do the warranty charges. I have taken advantage of this. A year after I had my car, it was fucking up and needed a new battery. They gave me a new one free of charge. Why the hell are you selling a car with a bad battery anyway!? It's not like it was some used car, it's a brand fucking NEW car! Damned right you better fix it!

So, recap: we've gone to school, got a job, got a car, now what? Oh, we need to own land. Well, unless you're a minority or filthy rich, it's pretty much impossible to get land. You need 20% down. Houses now days where I came from were going for $400,000. You'd need $80,000 to get that house. Then you'd need to pay the closing fees. Realtor fees. Once again the nice lenders throwing fees at you. Making a few extra bucks off of the clueless American in search of fulfilling their dreams.

Granted, I can't afford to get land, so I do the next best thing. Rent. Well, where I came from, you could get a single or one bedroom apartment for $850 a month. That's in a bad neighborhood. Utilities not included. So I move to Reno. Now I don't have issues with renting. Renting is the most honest form of living. You know you need a place to live. The property managers know they want your money. You give them your money, they give you a place to live. Simple as that. You pay for life. But owning land, that's it! That shows you've made it in life. Once you pay off your 30 year loan, that property is yours. You don't have to pay for it ever again. Oh, but those are lies. You own your house that sits on your little patch of land. But that still doesn't prevent you from having to pay the banks TAXES on YOUR land. You own it, yet the government wants YOU to give them money because YOU own it? That's bullshit! It's downright dirty! You think you're getting freedom from paying "rent" after your 30 years are up, but you'll never be free from property taxes. Or any taxes for that matter.

So you go to college, get that job, get the car, get the property, but you're still trapped in the banker's master plan. Their little decoys, the government, trick you into thinking you owe them money for having to work. It's not good enough you've learned a skill or trade or professional art. You now must share part of your earnings with the government. They lie to you and make you think your money is going to fix the roads, pay for teachers, help the economy. When in actuality it just goes to pay off the national debt. Even the government, who are pawns to the bankers little games, are being cheated by the bankers from right underneath them! They too have their debt. And that debt is getting charged interest and fees. And we, the American people, have to pay the goddamn government money to pay off debts the government has racked up and all it really does is just annually pay off their fucking interest fees! Nothing is changing! Just like your debt or mine, you spend this money and see no results! Where are your tax dollars going? You pay into them. I know I've been paying into them for the last 7 years. I still see my roads all tore up. I still see my old schools with too many students and not enough room or teachers. I still see crime in my communities. So what's the fucking point?

I'm sick of my car payment. I went to trade my car in today. I was told by the dealership that I could get nothing for my car. Granted, it's only 2 years old. They would take it, but I would have to fill out a loan application and get financed for another loan. It would still cost me a lot of money. Basically they told me in a nice way, you're fucked. You're stuck in the banker's trap. They've got you right where they want you. You owe them. They know you owe them. They'll let you make them little payments because you can't afford to pay them in one lump sum, but they're going to tack on a shit load of interest.

Well fuck them. Fuck the bankers! They are the dirtiest sons of bitches alive and all deserve to be shot, hung, I don't give a shit. They're horrible liars and destroy people's lives. There's a special place in Hell for them right with the politicians and lawyers. I have had an epiphany today. That being, I am trapped. I am stuck in their little game of the bankers getting richer and everyone else getting poorer. They can have my fucking car. God gave me legs. I can walk. They can take me to court on my loans. As long as I'm in jail for embezzlement I'll have a roof over my head. I give up. I refuse to pay another one of MY hard earned dollars to those greedy sons of bitches. They pretend to be nice and help me out but deep down they know they're going to screw me over. And they proceed to do so. So FUCK THEM!!! I'm becoming some sort of recluse. I don't need their materialist ideals. Their dream is not MY dream. I played by their rules long enough. I'm not going to support their causes any more. This is the end...

Tuesday, June 19, 2007

A great night in a long time

Last night Jesse and I were listening to the classical music channel on cable and decided to venture into some of the other music channels. From that point on, we were watching the arena rock channel. Jesse was totally singing along to Dokken and it was hilarious cos he got sooooo excited he was like "OH MAN! DOKKEN!!!" I laughed so hard. He then went on to air guitar his beer bottle. We had a few drinks. We air guitared till 4 am. He got a stock out and started to wail on that. It was rad. I had so much fun, I felt like I was in 6th grade on summer break or something. I can't remember staying up that late with anyone goofing off and being so loud since I was a kid!!! Proof once again Jesse is my ultimate partner in crime.

Sunday, June 17, 2007

Random: Compare and contrast

I am very happy in my situation right now but once in a while I sit and wonder what things would be like had I never left Matt. And its always the same thought, never one of regret but one of relief and accomplishment. Here's a break down compare/contrast of what I think things would be like if I were still with him:


With Jesse, we live together in Reno, happy, sharing a little apartment with our pug-child.
With Matt, I asked him to move out with me once. He said no because all his clients were in Malibu. I suggested living close to Malibu and he said he didn't want to move because he liked his low cost of rent, leaving him money to buy more records. I'm sure I would still be living at home.

With Jesse, we go out on walks every night with the pug-child, patrolling the streets on Midnight Militia walks scaring off the stupid kids who tag up the fence near where Lulu likes to piss and shit.
With Matt, I would sit and watch him sit on his computer all night chatting online.

With Jesse we go fishing. We go shooting. We clean guns together after we get home. Jesse teaches me how to tinker with his guns.
With Matt, he had an SKS. It sat there. Neglected. Dirty. Collecting dust. He never took it out shooting because he claimed there weren't any places he could take it. It was bullshit cos Jesse had lots of other cooler guns and we always went shooting even back then.

With Jesse, he encourages my gun usage. No gun is too much for me to handle in his mind. If he can shoot it, I can shoot it. There's maybe been one or two guns of his I don't really find interest in shooting, not because they have too much recoil but just because I don't find them comfortable for whatever reasons to shoot.
With Matt, he took me shooting at a range once when I told him I wanted to buy a gun, but had no idea of what I wanted to get. He said I should try a .22 and maybe I might be able to shoot a .38. One time the issue came up about a shotgun and I said I wanted to shoot one of those and he said that it would be "too much gun" for me. He then proceeded to hold me by the shoulder and hit me with all his might in my shoulder pocket nearly breaking my shoulder and collar bone. He said that was what a shotgun felt like. Lo and behold I now OWN a shotgun and it feels nothing like the pounding I got from Matt.

With Jesse, we pretty much have sex every night. It is amazing. Words cannot describe how great it is. Its totally raw and animalistic and yet loving and completely emotional at the same time. Afterwards we both are happy and snuggle and there is just a sense of sexual relief and love.
With Matt it was sex when he wanted it. Which was usually around 2 am when he'd get off the computer and decide it was time for sleep and by that time I had been hours asleep and abruptly awoken for clumsy awkward unsatisfying horrible sex. I'm convinced he has premature ejaculation because he would go in and "finish" literally like a minute or two after he got inside. When he was done, sex was done. He went to sleep.

The first time I had sex with Jesse, well, that night will forever live on in my mind as the best night of my life and one of those huge changing points in life. What have you. It was the best sex I ever had in my life. Even if that were the only time we would ever have sex it would have been totally worth it alone. I could die happy having only had sex with Jesse but once, but I was fortunate enough to have him again...and again...and again and again several times from that night on. Now I am blessed to have him any time I want. But Jesse, he is THE man when it comes to sex. Hands down. It was such a beautiful night in my mind and every little event that led up to it made it even that much better from the passionate argument Jesse had with me the Monday before questioning why I put up with Matt to waiting for him to kiss me to the point we just looked each other in the eyes and knew we had the same thing in mind and it was perfect in every little way!
The first time I had sex with Matt, well, he kept going limp. He claimed it was because he was nervous. It made me feel pretty shitty. It was quick, unsatisfying, and completely disgusting in my opinion.

With Jesse, I love to be domestic. I love cooking for him, sewing his clothes, fixing the bed, doing his laundry, cleaning the house. Little things I can do to show him how much I love him. He expects nothing of me yet I want to give the world to him because that's how much I care.
With Matt, I was not allowed to cook. Things always had to be done his way. If I wanted to lay on the bed I had to fold his laundry, which would then be tossed onto the floor, completely ruining the work I had just done, almost as if a slap in the face to me. While I was a guest in his house, I was expected to clean up after him when he would cook. I was expected to fold his clothes and fix his bed and clean his bathroom. I was expected to do his housework because that way he could listen to his records, get drunk , and chat online all night.

With Jesse, his guns are his most valued possessions. Yet he allows me to shoot them. He has even taught me to assemble/disassemble some of them. He even trusts me to clean some of them.
With Matt, his records were his most valued possessions. I was not allowed to touch them. I was not allowed to listen to them. I was allowed to spend hundreds of dollars buying them for him. Even the ones I would buy for him as presents he told me to buy for him I was not allowed to touch. I was told to keep them in their cardboard packaging and wrap them up that way because I might damage them if I removed them. Granted I also own records and know how to take care of them, but apparently that's not good enough.

With Jesse I am happy. I love him. I enjoy his company. I enjoy spending every minute of the day with him, awake or asleep. Just knowing he is here makes me smile. Knowing if I feel down he is there. If I am happy he is there. Even when he was 500 miles away knowing I could call him and he would answer me. Stay up all hours of the night to comfort me. He cares. I know he does. I love him and he means the world to me.
With Matt I was depressed. I hated who I was. I hated my life. I hated sitting in his house of drunks and watching him sit online all night. Not being allowed to watch tv. Having to sit with the drunks of the house all morning till he was ready to wake up. Not being allowed to call him during certain hours cos his landlady would bitch. Not having him support me. He didn't care about anything unless it involved him, his little online chatting world, his records, or his stupid porn. I hated him. I regret ever dating him. He was the biggest mistake I ever made in my life.

With Jesse, I've been with him a year now. I want to spend the rest of my life with him. I love him so much. I can't even explain how much I love him. He is so wonderful to me. I love him. I don't care if every other sentence about him is that I love him, I do! I would never dump him for anything. Not for a career, not for an art fag, nothing! Jesse is totally my male counterpart. I believe I have finally found my soul mate. With him, I totally believe that theory that there is someone out there for everyone. That even someone as myself has someone so similar that we're just meant to be. That we would have one day met some way or another. That we are destine to be together. I am head over heels in love and I would give my life for him. From the day we first met, I knew I wanted to have him in my life one way or another. Be it a friend, acquaintance, lover, you name it. I didn't care what the terms would be, I just wanted him in my life. I have been blessed to have him as my lover, my friend, my companion, my everything.
With Matt, I was disgusted when I met him. I only saw him again out of guilt. And I know things are wrong when a relationship starts off feeling guilty and pitiful for the person. A year into our "relationship" I wanted to break up with him but didn't know how so I just stuck it out another year. It kept going and well, I wasted 5 years of my life, but Jesse was my breath of fresh air, awakening me from a 5 year slump. I wanted to leave Matt so many times but never had the strength or guts to do it. Jesse gave me back my confidence to take control of my life and get it back from Matt.

I am in such a happy place now. I am so content. I love my life. I love Jesse. I love who I am with him because I don't hafta pretend to be someone I'm not. He loves me and accepts me just the way I am. I enjoy my life with Jesse. I hope to spend many many years with him. I hope to grow old and die with him. Jesse is Mein Boogs and the love of my life.

The End.

Saturday, June 16, 2007

Weird Dream # I lost

This morning right before Jesse woke me up I had this really bizarre dream that his gunsmithing classes were being held at Cal Arts! I just remember there was some sort of lesson trying to go on at a table in the main gallery during the middle of an art opening. I was drawing cartoon pictures of Klansmen in chalk on some chalkboard and threatening people as to why they didn't like my art and yelling at them what's wrong with them and things of the like. It was pretty funny. Jesse then woke me up to tell me he was going to Susanville. I was kinda laughing inside at that dream. Its a hillarious concept lol.

How could someone as smart as me be so stupid???

Jesse's in Susnaville all day today. I did our laundry. Cleaned the apartment. The chicken is marinating in some sorta weird buttermilk sauce for a few hours before I fry it up. I think to myself, "Now would be a nice time to sit back and watch one of the DVD's I got in from Netflix." So I put the DVD in, plop on the sofa and pick up a remote. I am suddenly clueless. I have no idea what to do. I know I need to get the TV onto the LINE/Input/whatever channel thing. But I can't do that via the cable remote. So I turn off the cable and try to work the tv. But the tv remote isn't working. So I try to do it manually on the tv but it won't do it! I become greatly frustrated. I whack the remotes. Slam them. Throw them. Nothing works. Cursing profusely. Pacing back and forth. Jesse has not taught me how to work the cable and the DVD system. I feel like a total idiot. I am frustrated and ready to shoot something right now. I am very agitated. I should just go and finish dinner. Of course I'm sure I'll cook dinner and Jesse won't even be home to eat it so this is a waste. I am so mad right now!

Friday, June 15, 2007

Talk dirty to me...

Jesse and I are going to the drive-in tonight! I'm pumped! Not only is it cheap ass cheap to go (only $6 per adult) but its also a double feature! We're taking Jesse's truck cos it's got the bench seat! I haven't been to a drive-in since I was like 5 or something!

Thursday, June 14, 2007

Call me old fashioned, but...

A few years ago I bought this book on Ebay called The Sexually Adequate Female. It's a book from 1953 (mine is a reissue from 1959) and it was written by a doctor as a marital aid. I know a lot of people who would read it now would either laugh at how it is written in an old fashioned manner or be repulsed because it is very anti-feminist often making references to seeing doctors, psychiatrists, and what have you and stating that HE, being the doctors, implying only professionals capable of helping with problems are only male, not to mention several other countless references to women's skills should include not only knowing how to make appetizing meals but should be able to sexually gratify her husband and that the only time women should enjoy sex is with her husband.

Personally, I enjoy it. I think it's a great book with great moral ideals. And a lot of what it has to state in terms of how to choose a husband is totally true. There are the 7 things to avoid when choosing your husband: alcoholics, family slaves (mama's boys), gamblers, Don Juans, sexual deviants, neurotics, and the 7th one slips my mind at the time, but it is so true! No one wants to be married to a guy who drinks constantly or chases after other girls or can't cut off the umbilical cord....

A lot of the lessons of the book can hold true to todays standards if you can look beyond the realms of feminism. Why women cheat. Why women don't want to have sex with men. Take out the "husband" term and it can apply to anyone married or single.

But in all honesty, women are so fucked up today. They've become selfish and forget the joy of making a man happy. They are too concerned with what THEY can get out of things or how to make themselves happy. Too concerned with their needs. With their interests. One of the best paragraphs in that book states:


"Today's husband expects his wife to be a companion — one who shares his interests. A wise woman will take an interest in her husband's job or profession. She will work with him and not against him. She realizes that his future is her future. She will grow with him and manifest an appreciation of the better things in life..."
and so on.

Reading that paragraph makes me so happy. It's so true. Why is it people need to have some sort of big ordeal to talk about. People are so into sensationalism now days. Nothing is interesting unless it is some sort of spectacle. It is considered mundane and pointless to ask someone "How was work/school?" or "Did you have a nice day?" These are questions I would ask Jesse every f'n day whenever we'd talk on the phone. I wasn't anticipating hearing some sort of crazy adventure or anything, sure it's amusing to hear about those, and granted he has a lot of them, but it's nice to let someone know you CARE about THEM and about THEIR life. That even the smallest of details makes you happy. I enjoy hearing Jesse talk about how he spent the whole day on a lathe or trying to get on one because I feel as if I somehow get to take a part in his life, his daily routine. Most women don't care about stuff like that because they have been tricked by society that it's anti-feminist.

Look, there's a reason marriages lasted a long time and there were lower divorce rates some 50 - 60 years ago. Women had a place. They knew their place. They grew up with the ideals that one day they would get married and when that day came they would have to be prepared to take care of their home, their husband, and their family. Women are nurturers by nature. It is in our blood to be mothers and wives. As much as some might try to say it's not feminist and try to avoid these natural mother instincts, they can't. Instead they try to drive them off by pushing the men in their lives away. I'll say it time and time again, feminists are the women who wind up divorced, single for life, or bitter. They will never be happy because they will never get a chance to use their nurturing skills. They try to fill that void in negative ways. Face it, a happy woman is a woman who keeps her man happy.

Wednesday, June 13, 2007

Guns don't kill people, bad parenting does...

Today I wore my Guns don't kill people...I kill people shirt and had 2 encounters with people regarding my shirt.

Encounter 1: Wells Fargo
I just took out some money and Jesse was speaking to one of the loan people about student loans and I sat waiting. An older man maybe late 40's early 50's said he liked my shirt and asked if a lot of people react to it. I said I got dirty looks in California for wearing it but in Arizona they loved it. He then said he agreed guns don't kill people and I told him I believe people get killed as a result of bad parenting. To this he agreed. I then learned this man was a criminal investigator and he told me about how most of the people he investigated that had been involved in violent crimes were usually products of bad home lives such as abuse, neglect, what have you. Most people try to get away from their homes and leave bad situations, often times turning to crime or drugs as a way out. True true. We then got on the discussion of criminals and the various sorts of crime and how white collar criminals are usually a result of greed and a person who thinks they can outsmart the system. It was a rather interesting conversation. Then Jesse came out and we left.

Encounter 2: CVS
I had to get a plunger cos I took a crap and clogged the toilet. Jesse had to crap and refused to go till the toilet was flushed. When I went to get the plunger, the man who was ringing me up was like "Guns don't kill people, bullets do." And I corrected him and stated that bullets can't kill someone without a stupid person behind the gun making them kill. A bullet will just sit there and do nothing. Just as a gun sits there and does nothing. It takes a hand to hold a gun and pull the trigger. Silly people. Then he muttered something about knowing someone who killed someone but there was a line forming behind me so I didn't get to interrogate him about this potentially interesting subject matter. Oh well, maybe next time.

I really want Super Burrito. I'm hungry. Jesse keeps singing the song. I don't think he wants to go cos hes in a "lazy" mood. Siiiiggggghhhh.....

Homo on bike gets owned

So Jesse and I were driving down to Port Of Subs and this homo on a bicycle is riding all like 3 mph in the middle of the road. We pull up closer to him and think that by hearing the car he would have moved out of the way but nooooo. So Jesse gives him a warning honk to move and the guy turns around, moves over, does this lame little huffy hiss and flips us off. I flip him off back and Jesse sticks his head out the window and yells at him "Get out of the road you fuckin fag!!!" We laughed sooooo hard after that. We were like he's on a bike what does he think he's gonna do? Then when we were parking at Port Of Subs we saw him on his bike still peddling down the street. Hahahah.

Tuesday, June 12, 2007

Guns & Housework

I think I've hooted and hollered about how Reno is cool already, but there is another aspect of Reno which I love a lot. That being is the new pseudo-family situation that has been established. There's Mommy, Daddy, and the Pug-Child. I know it sounds pretty warped but frankly this is the closest thing to a family I have now seeing as my own is some 500 miles away.

Mommy does the mommy things like washing dishes, cleaning the house, sewing Jesse's pants and buttons on his jackets, and helps cleans the guns. Daddy takes the Pug-Child out to go to the bathroom and cleans and works on guns and does random house hold repairs to faucets, knobs, and what have you. And the Pug-Child? Well, she just does little doggie play things like gettin hyphy with Daddy and chewing on things when she's not shitting and pissing all over the house.

I really enjoy it so far. I love spending time with Jesse and Lulu. The three of us sitting on the couch watching Mythbusters or random documentaries on the history channel. How Lu sits and watches Jesse teach me how to disassemble/reassemble his guns and clean them (which I'm pretty psyched cos since I got here he taught me how to do the P-38, AK, AR-15, the shotgun, and how to clean a revolver. I feel accomplished yet I want to learn more!) He's teaching me more about guns as well and helping me get over the goober feeling I get whenever I go gun shopping. We've discussed the over-popularity of the AR-15 and 1911 and Jesse says they are the '69 Camaro's of the gun world. I wouldn't be able to make that reference but I can see where he's coming from after reading about every other G&A having some sort of articles on the AR or 1911, and I think we've both come to the conclusion the XD is gonna be the next in that line of popularity.... oh my, that's quite a tangent!

Anyway we got a nice little family here in Reno. I enjoy it. I'm glad Lu took to Jesse as well as she did. She's pretty good with people. Some of Jesse's friends came over the other night and she got along with them really well. She has this funny thing where she doesn't like minorities, gays or yuppie kids. Any time they come around she barks like she wants to kill them. It's pretty funny...

Other than that, well, Reno is Reno. I enjoy the location of my computer by the window. Being able to look out and see what's outside. Speaking of which, funny thing. Today there were some "questionable" looking teens hanging out across the street close to the alleyway. Our windows were open and we were keeping an eye on them. Jesse and I decided we were gonna tinker with our guns. He got the 10/22 and I got the Remmy and I was clearing the shells out and it's pretty loud when you pump it and I guess the kids heard and looked up into our window and saw us with our guns. Shortly after Jesse decided to walk Lulu and when I looked out to see him leave I noticed the teens had bailed. Maybe they thought we were gonna shoot them or something. I just went back to practicing assembling/disassembling the shotgun. Ahahah funny stuff...

I also like how our apartment is totally NOT kid-proof. We have couch-.38 in the living room, the .45 in the bathroom, the Glock on Jesse's night stand and the .357 on my night stand (and lil' Deuce Deuce is inside for "back up". Hah!) Couch .38 is kinda the universal gun in our household. He fits nicely in my apron. The only room that doesn't have a gun is the kitchen and that's just because it's connected to the living room. I enjoy all the guns and learning about them and knowing they're there for us. I really enjoy the P-38, not only cos it's another German gun, but because it's just a nice gun all around. Shoots nice. Fun to take apart. Jesse even trusted me to clean it! I can't even explain how excited and happy I was that he actually let me clean it! His guns are his prized possessions and the fact he allows me to touch them, shoot them, take them apart, and has the confidence in me that I am capable of taking care of it to his standards, well... I can't even find the words to describe how that makes me feel!

I don't want to sound like a creep or anything, but I think Jesse and I compliment each other's personalities to extremities others find rather frightening. Hahah. I do believe we were destine to be together with the pugdog in a free state. Life is good...

Filling In The Blanks

Well after a little over a week we finally got our internet up. Yay.

Anyway here's a rundown of some stuff that's gone down in Reno:


Lulu has been crapping in the apartment every day. It sucks. We've been working with her a lot but she still is going. I think she might be sick cos the consistency is kinda weird and she hasn't been eating much.

The shopping out here is pretty descent. There's a lot of the same stores as the valley. Speed limits are a little higher than in the valley so you get to where you're going quicker. We haven't really discovered too many restaurants out here yet.

Local commercials are the BEST!!! My favorite includes the Ragin Cajun auto dealer with his sidekick Craw Dad and the annoying Super Burrito commercials.

We live near 3 gun shops that I can think of off hand. The one on Kitzke, Plum, and Sportsman's Warehouse.

On guns, Jesse took me to my first gun show last Saturday. It was cool. He bought me a Smith & Wesson .357 revolver. Naturally we went out to shoot it the next day. I also bought a Remington shotgun at the pawn shop. I traded in the ring Matt gave me to get it hahahha. Poetic Justice! I'm going to let Jesse take those to school with him next semester to fix them all nice like. It's cool cos I got 2 guns in 1 week and didn't hafta wait for them. I really like that.

We went fishing at Virginia Lake. It's kinda like Lake Balboa but cleaner, more trees, and stocked with trout, bass, and catfish and what not. We didn't catch anything but some dude a few feet away from me did the other day.

Lulu got to venture out in the dog park. It's not cool like the Sepulveda off leash park. It's basically like a big gated dirt area where dogs can romp around and get dirty and what not. Its cool cos the dog park and Virginia Lake are like right down the street from us.

I got my Nevada license. Their DMV rocks! It took us only a few minutes to get in and get out and they give you your license the same day so you don't hafta wait! I still need to get my car registered but I hafta wait for my funds to be available to do so. I just opened a checking account with Wells Fargo cos the nearest WAMU is like 130 miles away.

Other than that, I've been enjoying domestic bliss of cooking for my man and what not. The weather has been really nice out here. It even rained on one of the days. Some of Jesse's friends from school came over and visited us this weekend. That was nice. Company is always a good thing.

I think we're pretty much situated in the apartment now. Stuff seems to be set up to the best of our abilities. Most of Jesse's tools are hanging out in the living room for lack of better place to keep them. We have our mini armory in the bedroom. It's sweet. There is a decent amount of guns between the two of us but it's going to go up only cos Jesse needs more guns for school and I have a few more I'd like to get myself when I get the money.

So far, I like the Reno. I also like gun shows. Reno has proven to be rather promising. I have a good feeling I'm going to like it here.

Oh yeah, odd bit of trivia: the air up here has magically done something to grant me back my sense of smell!!! It's crazy! I'm still trying to adapt to it but it's pretty neat to have after not having for some 20 plus years...