Monday, June 30, 2008

Weigh in 1

Previous Date: Monday June 23, 2008
Weight: 165 lbs.
Triceps: 11.5"
Bust: 39"
Waist: 34"
Tummy: 38"
Hips: 42.5"
Thighs: 24"

Current Date: Monday June 30, 2008
Weight: 164 lbs. (down 1 lb from start date.)
Triceps: 11.75" (yeah, I'm getting buff from lifting the boy!)
Bust: 39.5" (there was a growth spurt and a milk supply increase... bigger boobs yay!)
Waist: 33.5" (oh my my! We're shrinking!)
Tummy: 37.5" (gasp! Is this for real?)
Hips: 42" (I thought pregnancy makes this bigger! I didn't know it could go back down!)
Thighs: 24" (no change. But they feel more tone from all the walking I did last week.)

Walked a total of 12 miles the week of June 23 - June 30.

Ok, I was a little discouraged this week as my weight fluxuated from 165 to 166 and down to 162 and then as of today its at 164. Basically it's going up and down depending on if there's a poop done, a meal eaten yet, things of the sort. I was pretty bummed to not have more loss with all the walking I had done. But after doing the measurements, I gotta say I changed my feelings. While I am only a pound less, it has reminded me that I am one of those people who tones first then starts to lose weight. So while I might go down a dress size and still weigh close to what I normally weigh, I gotta put the numbers aside and realize its muscle, not fat. So I gotta say, I have made some good progress so far. Yay me!

Sunday, June 29, 2008

Dear Jesus

Can you buy me one of those portable air conditioner things, or make some sort of miracle happen to where one falls from the sky and lands in our apartment without breaking the ceiling or the ac thing itself?

Seriously, it feels like Viet-frickin-nam in here! I'm dripping wet and sticky. My eyes stick shut when I blink! It's gross! I'd walk to the store or something to be in AC but it looks like it's gonna rain and I'd rather be inside sweating and hot, than outside, sweating and hot AND being rained on... eew.

Saturday, June 28, 2008

The slow transition back to "normal"

First and foremost, we have a sex life again. Granted we had it the whole time, but the last month of being pregnant was uncomfortable and the first month postpartum was off limits. Now, we're back full swing...sorta... enough to where I can say it counts. Don't ask how we manage to find the time with a 7 week old baby but we do! I think it has a lot to do with timing, that being, we do it after feedings. The boy gets sleepy, we can give him his binky, turn on the mobile, and he either falls asleep or is amused enough by the music and mobile to give us time to get it on!

Second, we've got to the weird over night decision that Charlie now feels he doesn't need to eat more than once at night. He will either wake up around 3 or 4 am and eat and go back to bed till 6 or 7, or in the case of last night, he didn't wake up at all! He was fed around 11, and woke up hungry again at 6 am!!!! It's like a too good to be true type thing! Mommy woke up around 4 though, to pee, and decided to pump as her boobs felt like they were going to explode from pain and pumped 7 oz!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Holy moo cow mama!!!!

Thanks to fully functioning vision, the boy is content during the day if he's in the swing for a while, watching the room, the mobile, anything, allowing mommy to get house work done. In the mornings, after he eats, he has a quick morning nap around 20 minutes or so and mommy has time to brush teeth/comb hair/wash face, fix the bed, get dressed, have breakfast, do light housework like dishes, check emails and stuff, and then the boy wakes up and they hang out. Then during his afternoon nap from 1 - 3, she can spend a lot of time online and do housework like folding laundry, washing dishes, cleaning bathroom, straighten up living room, make lunch, and on days where none of that or small amounts need to be done, she actually gets anywhere from 1 - 2 hours of MOMMY TIME in which she does NOTHING and just relaxes!!!!

Thursday I had time to do my nails and wax my eyebrows, then yesterday I had time to blow dry and style my hair after my afternoon shower, and do make up so we could go to a fund raiser dinner. It was amazing! I am so glad that even though Charlie is going through a weird feeding/eating thing, he is still on his schedule and life is just going from those annoying every 2 hour feedings to every 3 - 4 hour feedings and I am regaining a normal life and able to function as a human being and not as some food factory again! Plus, going to that car show on Wednesday night at the A&W and then to the fancy pants dinner Friday night really helped in making life feel normal again. Maybe the next step to regaining normal will be Jesse and I getting to do some sort of going out type activity. Something fun, maybe something that involves water or air conditioning, but mostly something fun...

Thursday, June 26, 2008

Sex & Marriage

So I watch the Today show a lot now a days because of my new sleeping schedule with the human alarm clock going off around that time. Anyway, they're doing this thing on sex and marriage and saying all these horrible things like people meet and they have great sex, then when you get engaged it starts to dwindle, then when you get married it starts to go away because people have kids, would rather watch tv, etc. etc. I though it was pretty sad that some people would put watching tv over having sex. I know for me, marriage and a child hasn't affected our sex life. We make time for it. And there was this amazing thing about having a child and the way your body changes and things shift around, that sex is now better. Granted it was great before, but then when I was pregnant it got better and after the boy was out, holy crap! I can't even say how much more amazing it is. All I gotta say is I am one lucky gal to have Jesse as a husband and pray we never get divorced because I will never be able to find someone as good as he is! So yea, to the people on the Today show saying that once you get married and have kids your sex life is over, I say pfftttt!!! Lame excuse for someone who doesn't like sex in the first place!!!

Wednesday, June 25, 2008

I Love The Millenium: The Vote Democrat Conspiracy

I'm a fan of the VH1 "I Love" (fill in decade) series. However, last night, after I had got through years 2000 through 2003 of I Love the Millenium, I discovered the conspiracy behind it is to get gen X, Y and Millenials to vote democrat this November.

Jesse and I had been pondering, "Why would you put out a series that is about a certain decade 2 years before the decade is over?" It wasn't so obvious at first. But neither was the hit song Yvan Eht Nioj in the episode of The Simpsons where Bart joined a boy band.

After careful observation, it has gone clearly out of its way to make Bush and the Republican party look like such a bunch of clueless hoo-ha's that it just might make clueless young new-voters go the way of the democratic party. Granted this years Republican forerunners aren't that great (EXCEPT FOR RON PAUL! WOOH!) but still, the Millenium series is pretty bias.

For instance, their commercials clearly mock the office under Bush:

I won't lie. I laugh whenever I see that commercial when they have Cheney doing "WAZZUUUUPPP!!!" with the guy walking in the background shot, but still.

Unfortunately I can't find any clips of any "Bushisms" for each year, I'm sure those will pop up in time.

Anyway, my two cents on this: don't choose your vote based on brainwashing from some TV series. Just do the right thing and vote for someone based on your agreement of their policies and presidential game plans.

I wanna do something fun

I think I earned it. Anything fun. I'm totally jealous of all the Fridays I was at work and Jesse and Phil went to Grand Sierra and rode go-karts and played arcade games and stuff while I was in the office. I wanna have fun. I spent 3/4 of the last year being pregnant. Now I'm not and I haven't done anything "fun" since my birthday some 4 months ago. I think I'm due. Come to think of it, I think it's OWED to me. I worked. I pitched in with bills. I carried a child inside of me and put up with it's pain and now I'm taking care of said child. I think the least I could have is a little fun. If even for just an hour? Shit, I'd take 30 minutes. Surprise me.

No fun for mommy

So this morning I tried to do something fun. I thought I'd walk to Virginia Lake and fish. Even if it sucks, who cares. I wanted to try because I saw people catching stuff there yesterday. Well for starters, I left kind of late. When I got there, I planted my butt and the stroller and threw out my line. Within a matter of seconds, the boy starts crying. He won't be quiet. I feed him, burp him, change his diaper. He's pissed. He's adamant that Mommy is NOT allowed to have fun on his watch. So we head back. Anyway, I'm kind of disappointed. I wanted to have fun. I thought this could be a chance. It was close enough for me to walk to. It didn't cost any money. Didn't work. So the other possible fun thing would have been in November. We were going to get a baby sitter and see George Carlin when he was performing at Silver Legacy. Not gonna happen, he died. The stars are NOT aligned for me to have any fun, or for Jesse and I to do anything fun together. They'll allow for Jesse to do things, but the minute you put me into the equation, it's over. How disappointing.

Monday, June 23, 2008


Around 28 weeks prego I started to have the serious pain and by the time I gave birth I could barely walk a block without hurting big time. Well now that I've fully recovered and I'm feeling better health wise, I've been walking more. I gradually worked my way up to doing it again, a little stroll here, a little stroll there. But yesterday I walked 5 miles and didn't even feel tired. I was more preoccupied with getting to where I had to go. The closest to tired I was wasn't in the walk itself but in wanting to be home as I no longer had the desire to be out as I had to go to too many places and just wanted to be at one place. Later in the evening Jesse and I walked another 2 miles to get ice cream. Today I walked 3 miles to the lake. I fed the ducks and honkers. Lulu got to sniff the gossip. I saw a Chinese Crested and the guy got it from the humane society for $50! I was shocked at his find. Ugly as it was, it was cute. I had to feed the boy around 11ish and that was kinda nice to feed him somewhere other than in front of the TV. It was nice to just sit there basking in the sun, staring at the ducks swimming with little baby ducks following, and hear the sounds of the water from the sprinklers trickling into the lake. I saw an old man fishing and he caught a trout. Then I saw a little boy fishing and he caught this HUGE carp. I took a picture of it. The kid was pretty excited. The fish was almost as big as he was. It must have been 10 lbs! On the way home I got Speedy Burrito, not as good as Super Burrito, but it was on the way. Anyway, I like going on morning walks. They usually last from around 9 to noon. I think I'll make it a point to go on a walk every day, whether it be a little stroll around the block to soothe a fussy boy or a long trip to somewhere exciting. The pug dog is totally tuckered out and was so tired that she opted to sit in the bottom of the stroller on the way home. Silly Lu. I think tomorrow I'm gonna go out w/ Charlie, sans Lulu, and try fishing for a little bit. We'll see.

I think this is a sign...

Charlie seems to be fussy whenever Jesse is around. I don't think he hates him, I just think Jesse brings too much commotion and excitement to the environment and it's more than Charlie can handle. This isn't to say he's a bad father, just that whatever it is, Charlie senses something in him that causes uneasiness.

Jesse is not home during the day Sunday through Thursday. On those days, Charlie is 90% good. When Jesse gets home, Charlie gets fussy. Jesse is out late at one of his coworker's tonight and Charlie is sleeping through what would normally be that hellious fussy period when Jesse is home from work. I can't explain it but I think this is some sort of sign that he enjoys being with me. Things like this make me think that being a stay at home mom is probably a good idea...

Sunday, June 22, 2008

Employee of the month

So word on the street is Jesse made employee of the month for July. I'm proud of him. But it got me thinking about how I wish I were employee of the month. I feel like I always work real hard on things, go above and beyond what's required of me, sometimes doing what needs to be done to make ends meet, but I never get recognition for my accomplishments. Instead, I get laid off. I can tell you there's a sense of grave disappointment, possibly even a feeling of hurt, on my behalf. Now the only work I do is domestic crap and that doesn't really constitute as successful in many people's eyes. Apparently being a woman raising a child and cleaning a house and cooking dinner is frowned upon most in society now days as I would be far more successful with a career. However most people seem to associate success with financial richness. What about personal success? Like doing something you never did before, or working on something and being proud about what you made? Does that not constitute as a form of success? In that sense, would it be wrong for me to say I cleaned my house thoroughly last night and I am proud of that or that today my son is being quiet and well behaved and I feel I have accomplished doing what needs to be done to keep him happy? Why can't I get employee of the month for being a damned good mom? Or a damned good wife? I guess the closest I got to any form of award for that was Jesse leaving me some money in case I wanted to go somewhere like Coldstone's. Instead I used that money to go to the dollar store and get a new sponge, new ice cube trays, a pitcher so I can have lemonade, cranberry juice for our smoothies, a Mr. Pibb and Twix. Even in my reward I am still thinking of the job at hand...

Friday, June 20, 2008

Vain streak

So on Saturday Charlie discovered himself in the mirror at the airport bathroom. Since then he's been in love. I've found that I can easily settle him by showing him his reflection and he just looks in awe and is baffled at the man in the mirror who does everything he does but backwards. I'm convinced he got the vanity gene that skipped me and went to Lori.

Wednesday, June 18, 2008

Insult to injury

1. Raising a newborn
2. Dad having cancer
3. Stress back home
4. Getting laid off
5. Medical insuance coverage ends July 1
6. Doctor doesn't do Mirena IUDs.
7. Need to see specialist for Mirena IUD with consultation followed by them calling my insurance provider to see if its covered then it gets put in and process from consultation to installation can take up to a month. The first consultation date is July 9.
8. Jesse is out playing arcade games with Phil while I'm dealing with a cranky baby.

Can you tell I'm a little pissed off right now????????????????

Monday, June 16, 2008

You know...

I've been trying to be optimistic about things lately but I feel like I keep having all these bombs dropped on me. Earlier I was pretty bummed and felt like everything in the world was falling apart. Then I was a little relived like, well now I'm not gonna pay childcare or for formula since I can stay home and breastfeed, I don't have to worry about strangers watching my son, with time I can do cloth diapering and maybe we would save money. But now I just feel burned out and depressed again. I have a headache. It's hot. I'm feeling hopeless. I sent out some resumes today and once again heard no responses. I didn't even get anything done today. I'm mad that now Jesse needs to take on all the work to make ends meet till things can get situated. Its not fair to him. I feel like such a failure.

Well isn’t this fantastic???

Apparently, I'm a stay at home mom now, not by choice. Today was my first day back at work. Well last week I got a call from work when I was in LA and I told them why I was there and that I'd be back today. Well, they said they'd meet with me when I get back this week. Today, after I get in and check in with everyone, my boss asks to see me in the conference room.

I got laid off. It's a budget thing and I was lowest on the totem pole.

Instead of telling me ahead of time when I was on maternity leave so I could look for work, they wait till my first day back to tell me. That's why my check wasn't done direct deposit. There wasn't an "error", it was that they had known they were laying me off and they had to cut a hard check. Apparently they've had back luck with laying people off in the past that they're worried about how people will react, hence they didn't tell me earlier. I didn't flip out on them. I just sat there and said I understand and went back to my office to collect my things. I called Jesse to pick me up. We got Charlie from daycare. Now I'm at home. They tried to be as nice as possible about it all. And they said they'll write me a very good letter of recommendation. My boss even suggested I try other publications since he knows a lot of the other publishers and would put in a good word for me.

The daycare provider wanted her $250 for the first 2 weeks in advanced because people flake a lot. So I paid her. Not knowing this would happen. I'm not expecting the money back from her or anything because she needs to make her living and I totally understand.

My boss felt pretty bad. Here I have a new baby. My dad almost died from cancer and is still getting his treatments. My husband's grandma died. And now on top of it all I'm out of work. Life is looking pretty f'ing peachy keen right about now.

Anyway, this sucks. Jesse says he's going to try and get a second job to make things work so I can stay home and watch Charlie till he's old enough to start school instead of us paying what we pay for rent for childcare. That's fine and dandy for rent, bills, and expenses but that doesn't cover my finances from pre-marriage like my school loans. Anyway, now I gotta figure out how to file for unemployment in Nevada. Jeebus. This sucks. I hope I do the weight loss depression and not the weight gain. I'm thinking of going on walks or something. I dunno. I need to clear my head...

Anyway, if you need to get a hold of me for anything, you can do so via my home phone as I'll be here all day now, or cell if I'm not home for some reason. And I have my personal email addys as well.

Also, if for whatever reason you know anyone that needs any freelance projects, small things I can do in between raising a fussy butt, feel free to hook them up with my contact info. That's all I got.


Sunday, June 15, 2008

Time flies

With everything that's been happening recently, I haven't had time to realize it, but we've been in Reno for a year! Back in June 2007, Jesse and I moved to Reno short on funds and with a dream. In that time, we have managed to root ourselves in a community of oddballs. Jesse has found a niche for his gunsmithing doing side jobs. I have continued doing what I do with design stuff. Lulu has taken on a new role as the head of neighborhood watch, guarding the apartment and alley from scumbags. We have a little baby boog. Life is good here. We're stuck in our apartment with a lease for another year but after that, who knows what is in store for us or where we'll wind up. Reno is a good place for us. It's nice to be out here.

Saturday, June 14, 2008

There’s no place like home :click click click:

I'm not gonna sugar coat things. Last Thursday, my dad wound up in ICU after his chemo/radiation treatments because his tumor was so huge and blocking his breathing. He stopped breathing completely twice and had to be recessitated (sp?) I flew down on Friday afternoon and stayed there for 8 days and 8 nights. I never realized in a million years things would be so difficult for me while I was down there.

Initially, I went to see my dad and help my mom out with things at home. When he gets out of the hospital, he will need to come home to a sterile environment. As of now, the house is far from that. Anyone who has been there recently knows it. On top of this, I have been caring for a 5 week old Charlie who is fussy and getting prepared for his 6 week growth spurt and ultra gassy from the elevation change and cranky for being in a new environment and away from his daddy and Lulu.

Well, I have this new saying: if our family were a log, Lori would be the bump. My mom asked me to water her lawn and I tried but between Lori parking on top of the hose and bitching about taking showers or needing to do laundry, I wasn't able to get past one side of the lawn. Then when she wasn't bitching, Charlie was fussing or needing to eat or something. The closest I got to accomplishing house work was doing the dishes, which were starting to mold from sitting in the sink over a week and not having been washed. I know my dad didn't make them because he couldn't eat anything for the last week and neither him or my mom were even home, so gee, I wonder who did that? As I was washing the dishes, Lori would take them one at a time for some bullshit reason like to make tea or eat something and then she'd put the dishes back in the dirty side for me to wash. After they were all completely done, I came home that day from visiting my dad and grandma to a sink of new dishes needing to be washed. I kept on them as often as I saw them coming but by the time I left today, there's some dishes needing to be washed because I just gave up.

As if all of that weren't enough, I then have to deal with Lori arguing over petty things like the fact I bought $2 diaper wipes with grocery money my mom gave me, or that she thinks my mom was going to buy me diapers because I had gone through 2 packs of them when I was there. She became hysterically pissed off to the point I thought she was going to hurt me or Charlie. She was getting all up in my face while I was holding him, being all ghetto, like how those chicks on Jerry Springer get all up in each others faces jiving and shit. It was some sort of combination of scary and ghetto. She had the nerve to say things like I was white trash, my husband was white trash and he should man up and pay for things for me. Sorry, I don't have the words GOLD DIGGER embedded on my forehead. I didn't marry my husband for money, I married him for insurance purposes so he could be covered with my medical and dental and get his broken tooth fixed. Semi-truth joking aside, we discussed getting married in the past and figured that it was a good time to come to fruition around the time of my insurance coverage because then I didn't have to do the paperwork then get married and change my name and fill out more paperwork with a new name change on it. Plus, there was also that whole part of us loving each other and enjoying each other's company and stuff, you know? Anyway, I had other insults like I tricked Jesse into marriage by getting pregnant, I was a whore because I have a child, I never should have had my child if I can't afford him (no I can't afford him because my maternity leave checks are a joke and I go back to work in two days.) Other insults included her saying things like I have a wetback child (interesting for someone to use that choice of words seeing as she tells everyone how racist I am yet she's the one spouting out racial slurs to an obviously white child with two white parents, not to mention her boyfriend is part El Salvadorian...), and that our family is white trash, stupid, etc. Childish insults but throw those together with the ghetto getting up in my face thing, it's kinda intimidating. Plus the fact she was slamming doors, hitting walls, and other fun things to the point my mom chose to leave her own home for fear of my sister and took me and my child with her. You would think that with our dad in the hospital with cancer who almost died a few days before this, she wouldn't be this way, but Lori is a piece of work.

But on top of the worries of my dad getting better, there's Charlie. Normally at home, I watch Charlie all day. Then when Jesse gets home he takes over except for feeding time. At night we share responsibilities. I know Jesse does a LOT and totally helps big time but I especially noticed this when he wasn't there. I have never taken anything he's done for granted but I just gotta praise him even more so for what he does. I have no idea how single moms do it but for me to be home alone for 8 days and nights with a baby, trying to keep a house in order, and worry about my dad, I was falling apart towards the end of the week there. I'm surprised I have hair on my head still, but I kept remembering that in one less day I'd see Jesse again and he'd help me out. Because the one thing I needed more than anything else was help. I had come down to support my mom and be there for her and my dad, but I never thought I would need as much help as I did. I keep forgetting I'm still recovering from that c-section and even though I feel physically fine, I'm not. And usually I find this out at the 11th hour. As of now I don't get gnarly pain but sometimes I get a super strong uterus shrinking contraction that makes me want to buckle over, or horrendous back pain, or headaches or just plain good old fashioned fatigue.

The worst part of everything was being lectured on how everyone needs to get along. I told my mom that's never gonna happen cos it's communist and that's something that sounds great in theory but doesn't work out in real life. Plus its kinda hard when everyone is cool with things but one element hates anyone who takes them out of the limelight. Then I was also lectured because I was told I was "running around" when I was supposed to be with my dad. Ok, I have a kid. He needs to eat every 2 - 3 hours. I'm not gonna dump him off with formula at my grandparents' house and spend every waking minute in the hospital. I can't do that. So my mom asks me to get Charlie a little crib thing. I go with my cousin to get that. Lori makes me go to Costco with her and then Claim Jumper with her and Craig and I sit there and listen to them argue and then get interrupted by Charlie fussing and take him to the bathroom to calm him down. The closest I came to "running around" was having dinner with Danielle, Sam, and Lori and then a girls dinner with Katrina, Elizabeth, Danielle, Sophie (who had to leave earlier), Alissa and my mom, and breakfast today with Katrina. It's not my fault people wanted to meet up. Its not like I called and was like "Hey, I'm coming down let's go party!" I don't consider going to dinner running around, as eating is a necessity. Maybe if I were going to the mall, movies, clubs, bars, she could complain, but not out to eat. I feel like I make the effort to do good down there but I get lectured for being uncaring. At least I visited my dad in the hospital. Lori went once. She was having dinner with Craig and some of his friends and only went because it was an attention "oh poor Lori, your dad could die!" thing. Previously she would say how she hates my dad and hopes he dies, even after he found out he had cancer. She called and sounded so upset and was going to fly me down right away, but when she heard he was stabilized, she said she'd call back and to send her details and I wasn't able to get a hold of her after that. Still, even if he was getting better, he gets better and worse over and over. It's a vicious cycle. I wanted to come down. I have the week off from maternity leave and thought it would be a good idea. I didn't realize how horrible it was. Don't get me wrong, I love my parents, but for what I have to put up with from Lori, it's almost not worth it to visit them. I'd be a lot happier seeing them if she wasn't around. That's a sad thing to say but it's true. She puts too much stress on everyone. She's super demanding and tries to control everyone. Maybe her shit worked on me years ago but I'm not putting up with it anymore. If she thinks she can tell me what to do, she can take that attitude and shove it up her ass. I'm an adult. If I don't have money to get a hotel, I'll have someone take my ass to the airport and hang out there till my plane leaves. Anything. I'll do all I can in my power to not be around her. That's a sad thing to say but it's true.

But it's not to say things were completely horrible down there. Some good did come. My dad is doing a little better. He got out of ICU last Saturday and has been out for a full week now. They were able to start up his chemo/radiation treatments again. He still can't have water but they got his food tube in his tummy. Now when he throws up instead of tasting bile mixed with meds, it at least taste kinda food like. He pooped today when I saw him and was all excited about it. Not excited but glad as its been a week and even something like pooping makes him feel more normal and feeling normal and not like some puppet hooked up to hospital contraptions is good for recovery and treatments. He says his tumor in his throat feels like its getting smaller. Other good news includes Jesse's mom and part of his family getting to meet Charlie, as well as other people getting to meet him for the first time. Katrina and I are talking again. With the exception of my dad and his cancer and Lori and her psychotic wrath, life is as it should be again.

Today I got home and I was so happy to see Jesse. He informed me he got employee of the month and I am so proud of him. He did some more cosmetic work on his AK-74 and it looks really gorgeous. Oh, and then there's that little part about us breaking the 6 week rule, yet again, by having sex. And as always it was fantastic times a million. The boy is being nice and quiet in his home environment. I'm just a happy camper! Anyway, long story short, it's good to be back home with my husband and pug dog.

Tuesday, June 10, 2008

Is it wrong...

For me to feel like I want to throw my kid against the wall??? He hasn't stopped crying since I got down to LA and everyone keeps telling me he has collic. He doesn't have collic alright?! It's a different environment. Either way, I can't handle this on my own and no one seems willing to want to help. I really miss Jesse, I have a perpetual headache that is just getting worse and worse, my back hurts, and I am on that great sleep schedule of not getting sleep that I was on in the hospital. You know, the one where your head is bobbing because you are so tired you can't even stay awake but you are kept awake by your surroundings or thoughts of wondering when you'll have to do something next?

Shoot me, someone please. I know it's impossible to get a gun in California, but if you have one, do me the favor...

Sunday, June 8, 2008

Ship lost at sea

Jesse is my rock. He keeps me stable. He's my support and without him, I feel lost sometimes. Well right now, Jesse is having his own problems and I wish I could support him but, once again, selfish me, feels like I can't because I feel like I have problems of my own. When don't I?

I guess this is the hard part:

We're maybe an hour apart from each other right now, both without transportation. He's at a funeral and is mourning with his family, I'm with my family as my dad sits in the hospital with cancer and almost died 3 days ago when I wasn't down yet. He's doing better. By better I mean he is stabilized. He still has a hard time breathing but is out of ICU. He hasn't had water in a week and won't be allowed to until they do a swallow test. He has a tube in his throat and they will be doing surgery to put a tube in his stomach so he can get food. He's lost a LOT of weight in a week from not eating and now he's getting too weak to do anything. He can't talk, he's hard of hearing, and he's miserable. He has wrote several times on his writing pad that he feels like he is going to die.

It's hard for me to visit him because of Charlie. For whatever God unknown reason, Charlie has decided to become super needy. He has been eating every hour now, probably to get my milk supply up for next week as his pediatrician warned me. But he cries constantly around the time of day Jesse gets home and spends time with him. My family is treating me like I don't know how to take care of him. Last night was one of those horrible stints where I needed Jesse and basically had spent a quarter of my day feeding Charlie, changing his diaper, burping him, he spit up, and was crying for hours. Now everyone is telling me he has collic. He doesn't have collic, he just wants his daddy. Anyway its frustrating me that everyone has their own two cents diagnosis and makes me feel like an inadequate or negligent mother.

On top of everything, Lori is being a total pain in the ass. She's being a jerk to my mom, to me, making herself look like a jerk in front of my mom's family and then blaming my mom for them not liking her and saying stuff like how she hates everyone and doesn't want to be part of the family and how she hopes my dad will die and doesn't want to see him in the hospital. I just don't know how someone could be like that. She doesn't have reasonable cause outside of her just being selfish and wanting attention. She made me carry the child seat with Charlie in it through stores because she didn't want to bring his stroller because she doesn't like it. So my back hurts, my incision is hurting, not to mention I haven't had any food or liquids in almost 20 hours and she says I'm a hypocondriac because I need to eat and get Tylenol before I pass out! It's also hotter out here than in Reno so the heat doesn't help any.

Anyway, I feel horrible for wanting Jesse so badly and needing him so much when he's having his own problems. I should be supportive of him, instead I feel demanding. Everyone in my family thinks its ridiculous that Lori isn't helping out, that instead she is too busy making her dog and outfit to wear to a party to watch the stupid Lakers game yesterday. I'm the one washing her dishes from making brownies to feed her fat greedy ass with my son in his car seat at my feet, rocking him with my foot so my mom can sleep since she's been at the hospital for days with no sleep. I'm feeding my mom's dogs even though my mom specifically asked Lori to do it so they don't attack me as I'm a stranger here. I'm taking Lori's dog out to pee. Then I get yelled at by her because I was at the hospital on my way home 30 minutes before her dog was supposed to go pee. On top of it all, I didn't have a house key so it doesn't matter, I wouldn't have been able to take her dog out anyway.

I just feel so stressed. I still need help myself. I'm not 100% recovered. I have a new baby. I can't be taking care of him, trying to take care of me, and trying to take care of my mom's house so that she has less work to do if they let my dad home. I don't know why Lori can't do anything. I'll cut her slack on days she works but the only time I saw her work was Saturday. Sunday she didn't do anything but make me miserable and keep complaining that I have to take care of my child, or as she called him, "it". Hate me that's fine but don't hate my child who has done nothing to you... I feel like crap though. I wish I had Jesse right now. I'm worn out and it's only been 2 days. I feel like crying because I'm having one of those moments where I feel like I'm carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders and I don't feel like I've been there for the people who have supported me the most and I should. I don't know how I'm going to make it the rest of the week. The good thing is Lori is going to be gone by Thursday for work.

I literally feel like a wreck who's falling apart.

Tuesday, June 3, 2008

In a funk

Almost as if a light switch has been turned on, I am now in a funk. I'm feeling crappy again. I just feel like there's too much going on mentally and physically. I feel drained in both senses, stressed in both sense, and just down and out in every which way. I feel tired and sad. Under-rated and unappreciated. Used. Yes. I think that's the perfect word. Used. I just feel like I'm a commodity for everyone. Like everyone needs me to do something. I just got out of the bath not too long ago. It was nice to be in the bath. That's something for me to sit and enjoy. Even still, as I sat in there, I was just mentally stressed wondering how long it would be before the baby cried. He never did. But it ruined my bath because instead of just relaxing I sat around worrying. Every moment I'm not around him I worry about what if he fusses, what does he want, will Jesse take care of it, or is it something he can take care of or is it a mommy issue? I can't even go pee without worrying if he's going to fuss. When I get ready in the morning, I try to hurry up and get in and out of the bathroom in under 3 minutes. I don't even think that's hygenically right. I mean, my teeth must be in horrible condition with how short their brushing periods are. Today when I was getting ready to go into the bath, I was so frazzled, I was combing my hair out with barrettes still in there and wondering why my comb wasn't going through thinking I had some sort of gnarly tangle. I was happy today because Charlie was quiet enough around 6:00 that I could make dinner and it was almost done by the time Jesse got home. He had to wait like 5 minutes. At least it wasn't cold. And I was happy that I was able to get the dishes washed in between that short period of me cooking dinner, us eating, and before Charlie had to eat. I dunno. I know I say I need/want a break, but I know how I am. If this kid raising thing is anything on me mentally like work is, if I did have a little away time, I would be more drained and mortified wondering what he's up to and worrying about if he's ok or not than I would be able to relax. I guess its a lose-lose situation. You're damned if you do, damned if you don't. I'm not sure which way I'd be more stressed, with or without him. I'm not really at a point mentally right now to figure that out. I suppose it would be nice to be in a coma or something for a week or so. That would give me time to rest and shut my mind off. Har har. Is that even a sane thought? I have this weird desire to want to do something fun. Of course that's not really in the agenda of abilities at this time. Oh, I think I'm also kinda sad too because my weight loss has plateaued. Now I actually have to exercise to lose weight. Of course there's that whole issue of motivation and trying to get myself to do it. Did I mention I'm too tired to do anything? Ugh. Time to feed the boy for the god knows how manyth time today.

You can't always get what you want.

So one of my friends is getting married sometime next year at one of my favorite places: Catalina. She was showing me dresses she is thinking about getting and seeing all of that kinda throws me into a little fit of depression. First off, since half her family is her guest list and they are on a budget, she said Jesse probably won't be able to go. Yea, I'm kinda sad that my husband won't be able to go to a wedding with me due to size restrictions. Call me dumb but I kinda like the idea of the two of us being able to go somewhere all dressed up. I rarely get to do formal events and love getting all done up and would love to have my husband there with me. We did get to go to one wedding once almost 2 years ago when we were still dating. That was nice but kinda sucked because we were sort of limited to time because the thing was at a restaurant and we were rushed and then my sister drove and so we were on her clock for everything. It would be nice to be at Catalina together and not feel rushed and be all done up and spend an evening together or something not having to worry about things. Oh well. The B side of the sadness thing comes from our own wedding. I know in my heart as much as I'd like to have had a formal "proper" wedding, it never would have been feasible. Partially because we couldn't afford one. Partially because no one would come up here if we had one up here so we'd have to do it down in LA. Partially because there's too much etiquette that we don't know of involved in a "proper" wedding. Granted, I wish on our day I could have had a white dress and bouquet of flowers in a little chapel or something, but it didn't go down that way. Instead, it was like a trip to the DMV to get our license at the court house, then in someone's office at the justice of the peace for the "ceremony" which was basically 2 minutes of some state appointed official telling us some crap, exchanging rings, kiss, and it was done. And just like that our wedding was over. After we shot guns out in Fernley. It basically felt like any other day. We shoot guns all the time. We wore normal clothes. There wasn't anything to it that made it stand out from any other day. I guess sometimes I'm just sad when I think about it because it's not really how I would have wanted it to be but I'm just happy that it did happen. Oh well. Whats done is done. Now we have a kid and all our time and efforts need to go to our family and not lamenting on the past. Insult to injury is when I'm told that I should have thought about things before I got pregnant as if I had plotted out getting pregnant. Sorry, I wasn't trying to conceive. In fact I wanted to wait a few years but things didn't happen that way. I'm sure I'm in a funk right now due to situational stress.

Monday, June 2, 2008

I need a break!!!!

I feel like everyone is super needy today!!! Charlie won't give me a break. Since he woke up this morning he is demanding attention and won't sleep. Lulu isn't helping either. She keeps getting under my feet when I try to do things. I can't get anything done. I'm going crazy. I just wish I had like 8 more hands and a back up energy source. I feel completely drained and overwhelmed. Sometimes asking Jesse just to take a few minutes out of his night to burp Charlie is like pulling teeth and I don't know if it's worth it for me to get an additional 20 minutes of sleep and deal with him huffing and puffing and complaining about it or to just do it myself and be a cranky zombie the next day. I wish I could just be sitting in a hot tub somewhere away from everything completely zoned out to the world. But that's not even an option.