Thursday, July 31, 2008

Bad dreams are hard to shake

So just before I woke up I had this dream that I was back home in the valley with Jesse. Lori was there with us and we were at some place that looked like the Greek Theatre but there was a marsh near by. Anyway, Lori and I started to argue about something and she was talking shit about Jesse and I was defending his honor because I am his wife and love him. Jesse comes up to see what's going on and Lori looks at him and, in an attempt to get him involved and make us argue, she looks at him and is like, "Are you even attracted to Jenny?" and he replies, "NO!" In a shocked and disgusted tone. My heart shattered and tears well up in my eyes and he finishes by saying, "Well, not yet. I'm trying. It's just everyone I've ever known has been, well, pretty. It's kinda hard, but I'm working on it. For Charlie's sake." This is like an adding insult to injury comment. I run off to the bathroom and start crying. The bathrooms are full and everyone inside is wearing turquoise by coincident. When I get out, most of the people outside I wearing red. I walk back and find Jesse sitting with Lori with his arms around her next to the other people we were there with (strangers but they were people we know?) I grab his arm off of her and scream out, "WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING!?" He has no answer. Lori is just smiling at me with this fucked up "ha ha, your husband doesn't like you" smile and I'm in tears again. I don't even have the heart to yell at Jesse at this point because it has been completely broken. I just stare at him dumbfounded, crying, not aware of why he acted the way he did, and with all people, my sister, who moments earlier has been giving me a hard time. I walk off to another location and he follows me and then we talk. He tells me that maybe it would be easier for him to like me more if I changed all the things about myself that make me who I am pretty much. I asked him why he stayed with me and married me and had a child with me if he doesn't like ME. His answer was that he was planning on breaking up with me before he started school but felt bad that I moved up here and thought he'd give me some time before he dumped me. But then I got pregnant and he felt obligated to raise his child. Then I woke up to Charlie screaming wanting to be fed.

God, that was a horrible dream. Like one of those things you wish you never dreamed about. I just feel sick to my stomach after having it.

Wednesday, July 30, 2008


I like having boobs. I don't like that I had to have a kid and breastfeed in order to have them. I dislike the stretchmarks, but I love how they fill out my clothes and how they look in bathing suits and bras. I wish I could have the boobs I have no for the rest of my life. Unfortunately, when this baby is done eating from me, they will shrivel up to the little things they once were long before I got fat and long before I had a child. I don't even care if the stretch marks are there for the rest of my life, I just wish my boobs would stay big. Is that too much to ask for?

Tuesday, July 29, 2008

I can’t take it anymore!!!

If I see one more picture of that stupid ass Hannah Montana Miley Cyrus hell spawn of that piece of achey-brakey shit, Billy Ray Cyrus, I'm gonna shit a brick, throw it at myself, and knock myself to the floor. Seriously, what the hell is this girl doing that she's so famous?! If you ask me, NOTHING! Ok, she has some kids show that sucks balls (yes, I watched like 5 minutes of it out of curiosity one day whilst channel surfing). For anyone who hasn't seen Hannah Montana, if you've watched Idiocracy in which they say the english language transforms to a mix of hilbilly and slang, they nailed it. She is that. Imagine a wigger who speaks with a hick accent. That's her. So yeah, you got some kid's show that is only popular because it's fueled by Disney, who basically spend millions in advertising and marketing campaigns to brainwash innocent unsuspecting youth into thinking that it is a good show, she is a great role model, and they need to buy ALL OF HER MERCHANDISE. But it's not enough to market to the youth. They're getting older and she's getting lame. So let's have that stupid ass photo of her and her dad and have some sorta scandal so that we can get pseudo-pedofiles all hot on her underage ass. Sickos. This is what the world is coming to people. Pa-fucking-thetic. So now, everyone, except for my ass, is all on the Miley Cyrus bandwagon for God knows what reason. And you can't go anywhere without seeing her redneck ass face. I open eBay, WIN TICKETS TO MILEY CYRUS... CLOSE. Dammit. Check my Yahoo! mail, Miley Cyrus apologizes for making fun of other Disney Channel stars. GUH! How about TV, she's probably not on TV on regular channels, MILEY CYRUS HOSTS... GODDAMMIT!!!!! It's like she is everywhere. What's worse, when she turns 18 you know her pretend-to-be-goody-goody-tramp-ass will be in Playboy or something and she'll pass it off as a "wanting to expand her career" or "go beyond the image of a kid's star". Yeah, good luck with that. Look what happened to Jessie from Saved By the Bell when she did Showgirls. NOTHING! What the hell has SHE done since that flop of a movie?! Why can't these kid stars just like stick to their tv series and leave it at that. Why do they have to do tv series, then release an album, then do a movie, and plaster their asses everywhere. It's because of crap like that we have girls turn out like Linsday Lohan. Way to go America. Way to go Disney, actually. They seem to have a knack for turning out the All-American party girl slut. Keep it up. You're doing a top notch job of turning our youth talent into whores. I'm sure all the douchebag pervs appreciate all you're doing for them. Ok, that's it. I'm done bitching about the slut-mill of Disney Channel and that useless Miley Cyrus.

Saturday, July 26, 2008

Watching Borat by yourself...

Is a lot like drinking by yourself. It's just not funny. It's kinda sad. It makes you question human existance as to why someone would think two naked guys fighting over Pamela Anderson is funny...

Thursday, July 24, 2008

Holy Before And After Batman!

I've lost 40 lbs since Charlie was born (10 weeks). I just see how huge and gross I was right before I gave birth. I had no neck, 8 chins, and I was humongous. It didn't help any that Lori told me how fat I got while I was pregnant either.

But now, 10 weeks later, I am 40 lbs lighter and I have a neck again, a waist, and I fit into my pre-pregnancy skinny jeans that are NOT from a maternity shop. Who's the fat ass now huh?!? I also appear to have some sort of tan, which is the result of a sunburn fading (not peeling!) away. Times like this make me think there is a God, even though I hate tans. I'd rather fade to a tan than peel and snow. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that I can get down 30 more lbs by the end of this year. Wish me luck. I've been walking my ass off and trying to eat good.

Wednesday, July 23, 2008

My Jesse, The Hero!!!

After having a child, you learn to wake up at the sound of a pin dropping at night, for fears it might be your child awaking and you get up as fast as you can to avoid rustling sounds turning into screaming cries. Anyway, last night at 3:41 am, I woke up to the pitter patter of running feet. While sleepy, logic tells me this is not the sound of my son running, seeing as he can't even crawl yet. These running feet are followed by another set of running feet, as if being chased. Then the scream. A shrill horrific woman screaming. I whack Jesse in the arm to wake him up and we both look out the window to see what is going on. There most definitely was someone running and being chased. A man and a woman. Jesse grabbed his flashlight and his Sig and went outside. As he was going down there, the woman was knocked to the ground and tackled by the man, who looked like he was trying to take her pants off. She kept screaming and managed to get up, fix her pants, but only made it 10 feet to the trash cans in our alley by the time the man grabbed her again. At this point he was shaking her and covering her mouth telling her to shut up and then he was saying some stuff to her and she started to fidget with her pants and then Jesse's flashlight was shining in their faces as he asked what they were doing. The girl ran to Jesse's truck and was followed by the man, who then was pretending to comfort her by stroking her hair, meanwhile, Jesse was there, gun in one hand, flashlight in the other telling them if everything was "ok" they needed to take their shit elsewhere. He had work today after all. Anyway, after seeing Jesse come out, some of the other neighbors came out. A few people called the cops, myself included. Cops came out. By the time they were out, the guy had fled the scene and the girl walked halfway down the alley where there were some discarded mattresses. She was sitting on one crying. The cops then met up with her and were talking with her and the neighbors in our area were comparing their accounts of the mishap amidst each other. I'm guessing these people live near by here as the guy just moseyed off at a calm stroll back to somewhere, never getting caught by the cops. On that note, can we say potential rapist at large? Things like this give me all the more reason to carry a gun wherever I go. I don't care. Honestly I'll carry illegally till I get my CCW if it means getting a fine and having my life. Besides, who bothers to question a single female or a mother and her child if they get attacked? I'm a firm believer of shoot first, ask questions later. Even if those questions are from the law directed at me. Sorry if I offend anyone, but I do profile people. You'd better believe I'd clutch the .38 in my purse on my lap if there's a sex offender looking guy at the laundromat following me around as if to wait to see what car I get into or if someone seems to be walking a little too close to me at night, or if someone seems to be taking my same route but doesn't seem to have any reason to do so other than to follow me. Yeah, I profile people. If someone seems like a potential predator, I don't take any chances. There's a reason I'm alive and unharmed and it's not because I trust people...

Stay safe people. Trust no one.

Tuesday, July 22, 2008


Sunday we went out to lunch. I brought the iPod with us. On the way home, we were listening to Quiet Riot's Metal Health. Jesse had one of those moments of feelin' the music where he sped up and cut someone off and we were just kinda singing along and listening to it all loud. Then there was that moment of realization that we probably shouldn't be doing that because we have a child in the car. I had this weird flash back to olden times of when we were first dating in which we did things of the sort. You know, driving around in Jolly Green, haulin' ass down the streets of Palmdale and Blandcaster, when we'd get in Jeepie and drive out to the range blaring 80's metal as we'd fly over bumps in the road and Jesse would tell me that I was gonna ruin my shocks if I kept it up. Stuff like that. I really miss those days of yonder, when it was the two of us being complete and total jackasses doing stupid shit and having a good time. But now, alas, those days are over. Even if we did have someone to watch the boy, that would never happen because there's that lingering thought that if something happens to us, who will take care of him? Oh how I miss those carefree days. Now there's just too much at steak. For some reason I always thought it would be Jesse that would be the one who missed old times more after having a child, that my maternal ways were stronger, but I'm finding that my maternal instincts only go so far. There's a part of me that has not lived it up and perhaps this parenting thing happened a little too soon. Jesse seems to be the better parent, more "on it" and caring if you will. I seem to be just like, I'll feed you, change you, bathe you and make sure you have your necessities, but I don't know that I have that loving nature Jesse has. I'm a little concerned with that. I don't know if this is like some sort of delayed postpartum depression of some sort or what. I dunno.

Saturday, July 19, 2008

Tunnels, bridges, and secret passage ways

I don't know what to say really other than I had this very strange day. I left on foot around 1:00 pm and got home around 6:00 pm. I left to go out and get fabric to sew some more things in hopes of selling them. I discovered a gem of a little shopping center with the most wonderful fabric store in the world in there. They had a wide array of fantastic fabrics and told me about another store in that same plaza I might find interesting, a leather working shop. Yes, I'd like to start making leather goods, I'll show you later in the fine day I can make one that looks nice. In the meantime, I managed to make $26 today selling some of my cloth diaper covers on eBay. It's not a huge amount of money but $40 in materials yields approximately 12 diaper covers. I sold 4 of them, breaking down to about $6.50 per cover. Well, it cost about $3.30 to make one diaper, so I'm basically making a $3.20 profit per diaper. Like I said, it's not a huge sales increase, but at least it's some money in my pocket vs. no money in my pocket. People like custom things anyway. So yeah, I'm finding a way to make a buck. Hopefully the next lot will do just as good. I got some neat little fabrics.


    Normally, my skin is boring in Charlie's eyes. But there must be something about that red crispy texture, he must love because he can't stop scratching my sunburn. It's bad enough it hurts but he's not exactly helping it any.

Thursday, July 17, 2008

I gotta vent

It's been a month since I filed for unemployment. I never got anything about a phone interview but I did get my claim forms so I turned those in. I waited 10 business days to call about them, including time for the holiday. Well, it had been a month. So I called and talked to someone who does phone interviews and explained the situation. Remember this has been a month. She says since there was no interview she is processing it. Processing a claim that was sent in 3 weeks ago for the previous 2 weeks of looking for work!!! She says the first week is a waiting period and I don't get paid and I only will get half my check and it will come in a week or so. WTF!?!? Are these people for real!? I'm like, I haven't been paid anything in A MONTH. My bank account is overdrawn $300 because of this, I have a school payment due in 2 days that they will not let me put off any longer, rent is due and we just spent $150 at the doctors for Charlie's shots. I need $500 to be good and I'm only getting half my check in about a week?! We don't have money to throw around. We don't even have any savings!!! Jesse doesn't even have a bank account in general because he doesn't trusts bankers. I have been looking for work with no luck and trying to make money in ways and having NO SUCCESS AT ALL!!!

Yesterday Jesse comes home all excited telling me Bizarre Guns does lay away and he thinks it would be cool if he could get a folding stock AK-47!!! Normally I'm all for the idea of getting more guns, but not now. Now, before I sound too pissed off here, this is currently just a thought he has, not set in stone, and he did say he would wait till we have more money before considering this more, but still... it's just frustrating hearing these thoughts as if we have money to spend because we DON'T. We obviously don't have money to do cheap things I want to do like go to the lake or the zoo or railroad museum (all of which are either free or cheap admission cost and only cost gas money to get there, and probably don't cost more than $20 - $30 for all 3 of us to do.) If he's thinking of spending $500, why not get a portable air conditioner, or a decent fan so that me and Charlie aren't getting heat exhaustion during the day!? Or take us to the lake instead of telling me we can't afford to go to the lake because gas costs money.

Other frustrations include my mom calling me and then hanging up after 2 minutes because she's afraid to talk to me in front of Lori because Lori stresses her out. Or she calls and has to go help my dad. So I told her to stop calling me during the day because she just wakes Charlie up whenever he's sleeping and then he gets fussy and pissy and I just can't get a mental break. Sometimes it's as simple as today where I've been walking back and forth across the city with a stroller in 90 degree heat with just a little 20 oz bottle of water and no food since 20 hours earlier and I finally get home, get a bite to eat and put my feet up and the phone rings and I don't get up quick enough and then the cell phone rings and so I scurry over there and then the other phone rings and I'm just running around and when I finally get it my mom has to hang up because she's driving!!!!!!!!! WHY DO YOU CALL ME IF YOU KNOW YOU HAVE THINGS YOU SHOULD BE DOING!???????? I am frustrated and tired.

Also things have been sucky lately because whenever Jesse gets off work, he'll spend time with Charlie while I cook dinner and then he eats and will listen to Alex Jones on youtube all night and then go to bed and I don't get to talk to him and I feel like my adult interaction is practically obsolete. I feel like from the time he gets home around 6 till he goes to bed around 10 or 11, of that I maybe get an hour of conversation in between tv, internet time, and the few minutes of listening to Coast to Coast as he drifts to sleep. And he's been sick for the past few days, and that's not my fault. I just feel bad there's nothing I can do to make it better. I don't like seeing him sick.

I'm frustrated. Sometimes I feel like I really want a day alone with Jesse with no Charlie, no Lulu, no computer, no phones, no TV. Just us and nothing else! I think a lot of that plays off into the whole thing about us not really spending much alone together time before the pregnancy and what not. Like we've never been out to a fancy restaurant together. (I've never been to a fancy restaurant ever.) I think there's a lot we missed out on and fate is just working against us sometimes. Like when we were in a state where we could have done that stuff when we started dating, there was all this drama about outside influences that prevented us from doing so. Then Jesse went to school and we couldn't do anything cos we were 500 miles apart. Then when we moved to Reno, there was that weird period that we didn't have money and so we didn't do anything. Then when we did get on our feet financially, I got pregnant. When I was pregnant I couldn't do anything practically because of either pregnancy restrictions or pain. And then we have our baby and now we can't do anything because once again, we're not in a state financially to do anything. I just feel so pissed off sometimes like why do these fuck ups of the world have it so great and we're struggling and have such a difficult time?

I have a huge gripe here and it's not Jesse's fault. But I have not had a good dating experience. I have not been treated like other girls with anyone I've dated. I haven't gone to nice places, I haven't got flowers, I haven't had any of that shit. My goal is to be treated like a normal person. I feel like sometimes because I haven't got any of that crap that I'm not worth it. I know a lot of things with Jesse were circumstancial as stated earlier in the fate working against us paragraph. But there's that little asshole part of my brain, that negative voice that sits there yelling in the background like a bad gym coach things like "You're a loser! You're a failure! You're not worth it! No one loves you, not even your husband!" That little voice is kinda like a Mr. Woodcock in my mind who pushes aside the little meek positive reassurance voice and seems to get his jollies off of making me miserable. But when he says certain things, it makes me think, maybe he's right. Why haven't I had this? Why haven't I had that? And that voice goes on to speak that it's not just Jesse, it's been everyone. And maybe they're right. What makes me not worthy of going to a fancy restaurant or receiving presents or cards on holidays or other gestures of adoration? Is it because I'm married that somehow any of that stuff I would have once got if I were simply a girlfriend is no longer necessary because there's no point in having to woo me as I'm sold? I want to be wooed too. I want a little romance or to be treated like I'm special. I try to make things exciting and make little efforts to the best of my unemployed abilities. I just don't know what to do sometimes. I just want to be treated like everyone else. Is that too much to ask for? And for Christ sake, do I have to ask for it? Do I have to tell people what to do? I mean shit, Lori, who is the biggest bitch in the world, gets to do all this nice shit. She's been to nice restaurants. She's had boyfriends send her flowers to her work for Valentine's Day. She has had boyfriends take her to Vegas, Mammoth, Chicago, on vacations places. She's a horrible person but she gets all this nice stuff and doesn't appreciate any of it. The closest I got to doing anything like that with Jesse was going to Sophie's wedding in Vegas in which Jesse had to pay for a plane ticket down, I had to pay for the hotel, and we were both stuck under the wrath of Lori telling us where to go and when because she had a car and called my mom and Craig to bitch when Jesse wanted to put his stuff in the hotel room. Jesse didn't have much money because he was in school and not working yet and I had enough money to pay for us for food and a little extra, but then Lori conned me into paying for her dinner and drinks and other stuff because she didn't have cash on her and didn't bring her atm card or some other bullshit excuses. Sorry, my idea of a romantic weekend with my boyfriend of the time, doesn't include a third wheel bitchy sister who is stealing all my money while she has more money than I do and cuts into my fun funds. Yeah, I'm pissed. I'm still pissed. This is the same person who has $4,000 in their bank account and bitches at me for wanting $20 for a dinner they offered to pay for, knowing damned well I only had like $19 in my bank account! I'm mad, I'm complaining, and yeah, it's not fair. And I don't care if I sound like an unrealistic baby.

I think I went off on too many tangents here. I'm frustrated. Maybe I need to go to a psychiatrist again. Then they'll tell me I have to let go of this and that and stuff, but dammit, maybe I'd let go if I didn't have a reason to hold on to things.

Monday, July 14, 2008

Summer storms

It's been a long time since 'Nam, but I gotta say, today's weather totally makes me think of it!!! It has been very hot and humid lately, but today we got a random out of nowhere summer storm. It's hot and it was raining and there was thunder. Jesse and I had to break out the AR-15 to make it feel more 'Nam like... too bad it wasn't an M-14 or M-16 though :( Oh well. I suppose it's like asking for a Red Delicious apple and getting a Fuji. Same family, just a few minor differences... I suppose it's a good thing we didn't go to the zoo today otherwise we would have been rained out... I do still want to go to the zoo though sometime soon. :) Oh and maybe it's the weather, or the fact he was up from 6 am fussing till 10, but Charlie is out like a light now in his swing. Man, I wish I could be sleeping in a swing just rocking all comfy like! I also got some...


I work. My job is 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. I don't get vacation time. I don't get sick days. I am required to be available at any given moment. I don't get any benefits. I don't even get paid. I don't get recognition for what I do. I work for a very demanding person who shows me no gratitude what so ever. I will never get promoted. I will be treated like the lowest person on the totem pole because I am not in charge of any financial obligations. I will have people around me look at me and assume my job is easy because I'm not on my feet all day, or because I don't have to deal with customers or clients or anything of that sort. I will have people tell me that if I can't deal with the pressures of my job, I never should have done it. However I feel it is my moral and ethical responsibility to do so. I know that as hard as things are now, they would only be harder had I never done it. I would be a liar if I said I never hated being a mother. I hate it sometimes. A lot. I hate waking up at weird hours to feed, change diapers. My back hurts from bending over a sink several times a day to rinse poop off of diapers, from bending over a crib to pick up a child, and still from the 9 months of walking around with a child in me. My body is in shambles, marbleized with stretch marks, sagging boobs. My mind is broken down from feeling as if everything I do is not worthy. I'm stressed out from watching a child all day and night. I don't know how I would manage to work a real job and watch a child. Either way, I feel like I am completely a failure sometimes. I feel as if I have let the household down. I have nothing positive to contribute to our family. The few times I ask for help at night, I feel like its pulling teeth. The few times I want to go somewhere, I now fear asking because of the fixed income. I work. I have stress. Just because being a mom isn't considered a real job and doesn't bring in any money, doesn't mean it's not work. I want a vacation. Scratch that. I need a vacation. Or at least a day where I can sleep in...

No time

I feel like no one has time for me anymore. Even with all the work with Charlie, I still make time for people. I still make time to cook dinner for Jesse and sit there and eat with him. Sometimes at night when we're in bed I might want to talk for a bit before going to sleep. But he has to work. Or sometimes I want sex and he's tired. And I'm not like the person who is like, "Hey let's have sex." No, I'm more subtle. I might snuggle a little closer or rub his back or hair. Instead, my efforts either lull him to sleep or he scootches away because he can't sleep. Sometimes I call my mom because I'm bored during the day and want to talk. I don't get upset when she's helping my dad out because he's in a difficult situation, but when she hangs up on me because Lori is home and can't talk around her. That pisses me off. Lori makes my mom feel like crap if she talks to me. So if my mom does call me, suddenly it's like 2 minutes of conversation interrupted with my dad needing something, or Lori shows up and she has to go right away. I feel like I'm not important compared to other elements in life. I feel like whatever I have to say or do doesn't matter because whatever everyone else is doing is that much more important. I'm sorry if I'm pissed off today and venting about everything but I feel like crap. I feel like any efforts I make of trying to communicate with people are in vain and going nowhere. I don't know what to do anymore.

Saturday, July 12, 2008

Jungle Love

So tonight Jesse and I did a walk down to the strip and we stopped at Starbucks and had iced tea. We were sitting outside and some dude is walking down the street and it's silent. No traffic. Nothing. All we could hear was him murmuring under his breath "my jungle love... oh-ee oh-ee oh..." as he continued to huff and puff in a hurry down the street somewhere. That made my day.

Thursday, July 10, 2008

My first cloth diaper cover!!!

So now that I'm home, I have ALL the time in the world to do things, like cloth diapering. And in that, I made my first cloth diaper cover today. I'm so proud of myself! I found a how-to for drafting a pattern online anyway, I made the pattern, made the diaper cover and I have some more fabrics so I'm gonna make some more. I can probably make like 8 - 12 covers depending on how clever I am with cutting the fabric. Anyway, here it is. It has fishies on it :)

Wednesday, July 9, 2008

Wish List

The following 50 things are things I would like to have done or do in life in no particular order:

1. Travel on a plane somewhere with my husband.
2. Visit Stingray City.
3. Win a contest.
4. Create my own "secret recipe".
5. Dance with my husband somewhere.
6. Attend a black tie affair.
7. Take an etiquette class.
8. Learn how to social dance like all the old people at the casino lounges.
9. Have dinner on a train.
10. Receive flowers.
11. Display art in a gallery.
12. Return to Old Town Albuquerque.
13. Get a turkey in bowling.
14. Learn an odd skill.
15. Make something practical.
16. Have my name in print for something I've done.
17. Write a book.
18. Get paid for something I made.
19. Teach a class.
20. Learn something I'll never use in life.
21. Learn a third language.
22. Be recognized for something.
23. Run a marathon... or mini marathon... or 5K...
24. Receive a love letter or comment or blog or something.
25. Own a classic car.
26. Learn to play another instrument.
27. Go on a family vacation.
28. Not worry about finances.
29. Have a savings for a rainy day.
30. Dive into a lake from a rope swing.
31. Shoot a critter.
32. Catch a big catfish.
33. Have a perfectly clean house.
34. Have a house.
35. Ride a mule down to the bottom of the Grand Canyon.
36. Have a formal dinner party.
37. Sit with Jesse in front of a fire place on a cold winter night.
38. Have a white wedding.
39. Be able to disassemble/reassemble any pistol, rifle, and shotgun and impress people with that skill.
40. Be able to wear something and have my husband think I look sexy.
41. Learn how to design really cool interactive websites.
42. Make screen printed posters to decorate our home.
43. Sell my art.
44. Own a horse or a goat.
45. Live on a ranch with the big corral entrance at the foot of the driveway.
46. Be swept off my feet.
47. Be genuinely surprised in a positive light.
48. Catch the jackpot fish.
49. See the sun rise from the middle of the ocean.
50. Have dinner on the top of a hill as the sun sets.

Tuesday, July 8, 2008

Everyone is going green... even me?

Ok so there's that whole green movement. I'm not some environmentalist but it hit me today when I was at the laundromat that I have gone from living a very wasteful lifestyle to a rather green one. It wasn't by choice, it just happened. See, back in California, I had a SUV that cost a lot of money in gas, I bought clothes and trashed them when I bought new clothes, I ate things and threw out whatever I didn't finish. Now, I do things the green way, but it's to save money, but at the same time it's also saving the environment. I got rid of my car when I moved out here and now I walk wherever I need to go. We have Jesse's truck for if we need to drive places. He now takes a bike to work. We're saving money on gas. I used to use disposable diapers and then we switched over to cloth because we would be saving at LEAST $50 a month that way. The average diaper takes 7 years to decompose. We always have diapers and don't need to worry about running out. If my supply looks low and I can't make it to the laundromat, I can just hand wash at home. With clothes, when I no longer wear something or for things Charlie has grown out of (yes, he's already growing out of clothes!) I take them to consignment shops and get money or store credit and whatever they don't pay me for, I leave with them as donations. With food, I only make enough for what I think we will eat. That means we eat our allotted serving sizes and are not open for seconds allowing us to get fatter. We only eat what we need and save the rest for other meals, preventing waste. Some things I will make in bulk, like fried rice, lasagne, soups. With those, I make lunches for Jesse, or we reheat for meals on other nights. Nothing gets wasted. I've learned that financially wasting food is one of the worst things. Yeah, it's biodegradable and all, but financially it is a burden. Anyway, I feel like we're cutting corners financially, but at the same time doing things that prevent environmental damage. Like I said, I never thought about it today till some lady at the laundromat commented about me cloth diapering and how I was the first young gal she had seen doing it since the 50's! Interesting how it happened that way...

Sunday, July 6, 2008

French Toast

Yesterday morning, Jesse asked me to make him French toast for breakfast. So I did. And I made me some sorta breakfast sandwich thing. I get my food and sit down, he goes to his toast to put on his syrup and stuff and he's like, "Taste this French toast." Immediately my mind heads to the worst possible scenarios. Did I under cook it? Does it not taste good? Is it cold? What? He continues to say, "Just get up and taste this French toast!" So I get off the couch and go to taste it and I'm like, "What?" He replies, "You're supposed to ask where the fork is... THERE IS NO FORK!!! AH-HA!!!" That was what he wanted? He made me get up for a lame attempt at a Coming To America joke rip off that didn't play out well!? I was pretty pissed.


I had this grand idea to make a nice dinner for Jesse tonight and we'd have a nice night. I thought after dinner, we'd go on a night walk and maybe have sex, because the boy has been really well behaved in terms of going to bed at night. Anyway, I cooked pork fried rice for him and made brownies for desert. I did my hair and make up. I put on a nice skirt and top. I did my nails. The house was cleaned. Everything was set for a nice night. Well, just as I put the brownies in, I had this weird feeling. It felt like my insides were slipping out of my butt and it hurt really bad. I went to the bathroom and felt my butt and felt a huge thing and thought, "Oh god, I have a hemeroid!" I got a mirror and looked and nearly passed out when I saw it. The thing was the size of a grape! It came out of NOWHERE! Literally I was fine all day but then I feel the grape of wrath on my ass! I laid down on the bed on my belly and it started to hurt even more. I started crying from the pain and had to take one of my vicodins that was left over from my c-section. It still hurt. An hour later, Jesse got home. I told him what happened and had him look and then we went on google to see and it was definitely a hemeriod. Anyway, just to add to the list we have:

1. Dad with cancer
2. Laid off after maternity leave
3. Thrush
4. Grape sized hemeroid from hell

Life is looking pretty good for me right now. I feel like God is punishing me for something but I can't figure out what. Either that or I have something really great that will be happening in the future. I'm hoping it's the latter.

Friday, July 4, 2008

Face it, the boy likes Dio.

First off, Charlie slept through the night for the second time in his life last night. He ate at 11 and woke up around 6 again. I wanted a little more sleep (thanks but now I'm too "awake" to go back!) So I swaddled him in his favorite blanket and started to hum some traditional lulabyes to him but he was still fussy. Then I get this weird idea to hum Dio's Rainbow in the Dark to him and it worked like a charm. He started dosing off. It was the strangest thing. I know I've joked before that he likes Dio, but now I'm convinced. The boy likes Dio. It's amazing.

Wednesday, July 2, 2008

The body of a mother

I've never been 100% happy with my physical appearance, and I think being female, that's kind of expected. But today, Lordy, I have never been so disgusted with the way I look! I walked to CVS to get some nursing pads and thought I'd hang around the shopping center to enjoy the AC for an hour or two before walking back home. Anyway, I went into Marshal's and was browsing the racks. I saw a cute dress and thought I'd try it on. Well, for starters, the dress looked horrible on me. It made me look ridiculously frumpy and I'll blame the cut for that. In fact, there's a lot of really horrible styles out right now and I agree with Jesse that this whole "maternity clothes" look is very unbecoming of non-pregnant women. Granted it was great when I was pregnant because I didn't have to buy maternity clothes, but now that I don't have something the size of a watermelon inside of me, I don't have that issue anymore and would rather wear stuff that looks more, well, not like I'm pregnant. Anyway, after taking off the dress, I had seen myself in the mirror and was truly disgusted at what I saw. I don't have any full length mirrors in my apartment. In fact, I don't have any mirrors that allow me to see below my boobs. What I saw was a flabby stomach in which the lower half was marbleized with fuscia stretch marks. I saw wide thighs with chunky calves. The thighs had the same stretch marks as the belly but not as many. From the side the belly dropped off like a shelf where the c-section incision was left. Sure, my arms were tone from lifting a child constantly. My milk filled boobs were sagging, even with the support of a thick strapped underwire bra. If that were off, I would see the stretch marks that were left around those as well. My face reflected the many sleepless nights of the past and wear and tear my body has been through the last 9 months. No matter how much I've done so far to get back to normal, that is a thing of the past. The body of a mother is different from that of a person without child. Anyway, it was pretty disgusting to see what can happen to your body. I just feel so gross now knowing that things fit weird and my body looks even weirder.