Friday, December 12, 2008

Test Pattern Channel

So I feel like I've been on the war path lately. Tonight I went to do a load of diapers and we had $1.25 in quarters and like $38.00 in nickels, dimes and pennies. I sat for what seemed like a decent amount of time separating two jars of change into three jars for pennies, nickels and dimes and then counting what the value of each jar was. When doing so I managed to block out everything around me. I was in the change counting zone. I've been working on a sweater for Lulu and I was crocheting it for the past few days. I have a plastic crochet hook cos it was cheap and I didn't want to buy one of the more expensive hooks if I wasn't going to use it often. Anyway, I have been using the hook more than I planned and instead of buying a nicer one, I have been enjoying my cheap one and of course it snaps in half today. Again, when I crochet or knit, it's weird busy work I can do that doesn't require thought and allows me to go into power save mode and block out the world. Jesse always asks me if I'm ok when I'm doing it cos I guess I look mad or something but I'm really just mentally on the test pattern channel. Today when I came home from doing diapers, Charlie was super fussy. We changed him for the night into a double diaper cos he's been peeing super heavy at night. Anyway, he had a big turd in there and it was going everywhere. It soiled the new clean diaper and I went to clean that off and it got another clean diaper messed up. Basically, he got 3 new clean diapers dirty right after I washed the lot of them. This really set me off for some reason. It was like one of those moments in life where you feel like all your efforts are made in vain. Like how dare I try to get the house clean and dishes washed and diapers washed and expect it to be nice for just two minutes? Jesse was nice enough to make dinner while I was out and Charlie was asleep and I thought just once we'd have a quiet dinner where the two of us could sit and eat in silence instead of Charlie crying or trying to steal our food. Again, a thought made in vain. Like we deserve a silent dinner to enjoy amongst ourselves. Anyway, I feel pretty wound up lately. Stressed. Angry. Yet whatever the mood is that you totally aren't surprised cos you expected something to be the way it is. I don't know what that mood is but it is what it is. All I can say is that I've been greatly enjoying night walks with Lulu or mornings fishing. And I don't want to be a jerk but I want to have a night with Jesse and me, just the two of us. I don't care if we just sit outside for a few hours alone. I want away from the ruckus of a child. It's hard and I just need a time out or something. I don't even want to hear laughing even if he's happy I am fucking sick right now and just need some QUIET TIME and SLEEP. 

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