Wednesday, February 4, 2009

The Ticking Time Bomb

They say there is no love like that of a mother's love. I say I'm in that place where I feel no love at all.

I always get depressed around this time of year. Part of it is that I hate Valentine's Day because I never had one. Part of it is because my birthday and it tends to get overshadowed by Valentine's Day. Part of it is just the time of year and the weather. Taxes coming up. Stress. Normal stuff.

This year I have a new addition to the frustrations. Recently Charlie started being a butt. A total butt. He was like the Screamapillar. He would do this shrill crying when he was happy. When he was sad. When he was hungry. When he played. It pissed me off. In addition to that, I had been feeling a little bit depressed but more so on a real short fuse. I felt like I was ready to snap at anything. I've been grinding my teeth a lot lately, fortunately the dentists said they look good. I have been having headaches lately. I feel like if I could sleep for a week straight, I would. I don't want to get out of bed. I don't want to go anywhere. I don't want to do anything or talk to anyone. I just want to rest. I feel as if I have been broken down and if anyone asks me something so simple as to taking Lulu out to pee or to make breakfast, I will snap.

I'm not looking for words of encouragement. I'm just waiting for this to go away. Instead, I'd like to have people stop inquiring about when I plan to go back to work or school. I'd really like to take Charlie to the doctors because he got sick two nights ago. He's still fussy and doesn't have a fever now, but had one of 100.1ยบ last night. He's super gassy and I think he has thrush again. But he isn't wanting to eat which makes me wonder if it's thrush or an ear infection. Or both. I'm sick of him screaming in the night keeping me up all night long requiring me to rock him and hold him as if he needs it. Maybe he does, maybe he doesn't. I just don't care. I need sleep too. Jesse tells me he's just a little baby and doesn't know better. If he gets it so well, why doesn't he take care of it? Oh, simple. Because Charlie hates me and wants me to be miserable. He knows that I am tired and feeling like crap lately so he insists that I be the one who cares for him. All day long he cries that he wants "Dad-Dad" but then at night when he has Dad-Dad, he wants Mom-Mom. I can't help but think of quoting Billy Bob Thorton in Bad Santa, "Are you fucking with me kid?!" I feel like that. I feel like he is messing with my head.

So I'm trying to get him into the doctors. I hate his new pediatrician by the way. I argued with her last time for almost 15 minutes as to why I don't want a flu shot and she still swore she'd win by telling me if I want one, I can always come back. I'M NOT GETTING MY SON A FUCKING FLU SHOT!!! If she asks me one more time, I swear I'm going to lose it. I don't need her telling me that my son wouldn't have gotten sick if he had the damned flu shot. I just don't have the time or patience for her. But then the stupid office is closed till 1:00 for lunch so I have to wait to call back to see if they can even get me in today.

I don't feel like anyone in this house knows how agitated I feel right now. Everyone tells me I need to relax because I only have Charlie to take care of and Jesse has more stress. That's right. Jesse works and I'm on vacation and don't do a Goddamn thing all day long. I sit at home and watch soaps and eat bon bons in between painting my nails and talking on the phone. Yesterday was the first time in a week I took a shower. Not because I choose to lack hygeine but because I just don't have the time. Jesse gets ready for work in the morning. I can't do anything once he's at work because I have to take care of Charlie. At night, by the time he gets home, it's too late. There's things that need to be done throughout the day too like dishes, cleaning, cooking. I just don't have time. I only get to brush my teeth once a day. The dentists say twice and floss. Well I don't have time to floss. They say floss in the shower. OK, well I guess if by those standards I am to floss in the shower, then that means I can floss once a week?

I feel like the walking dead. I'm a zombie in the living flesh. I can't say I could tell you how much sleep I've had lately. For that matter, Jesse tells me to sleep and I'm so tired I don't want to sleep. There's too much to do sometimes and it would just not get done if I slept. Contrary to popular belief, I'm not on vacation. I'm not some crumbum who is mooching off of my husband so I can stay home and not work. I do a lot of work throughout the day. And all my efforts get thrown to shambles. I clean and people mess things up. I wash dishes to find new ones sitting out around the house. I vacuum to find firing pins and springs and primers on the floor. I sometimes feel like I should just give up. Like there really is no point in me trying to keep order. But then I remember why I do keep some order: for me. No one cares if the house is clean or dirty. But I do. I feel better when I go to bed in a bed that has been fixed. I feel better when dirty clothes are in the hamper where they belong. I feel better when dishes are washed and food is cooked. I feel better because I know that when I see those things, that means that somewhere, something I had to do got done and that maybe tonight will be the night I get to take a shower and go to bed early.

But the night I do go to bed early, Charlie wakes up screaming and crying and sick. The next night I don't even bother. I stay up till 1:00. I'd stay up later too if Jesse didn't tell me to go to bed so Charlie could sleep. Why? He's just going to wake me up in 20 minutes anyway. I don't think Jesse gets it. If I'm going to have to wake up, I'd rather stay up. I'd rather it be on my terms. I'd rather have to go away from my few little moments of peace of crocheting something in the wee hours than be sleeping and feel like my cycle has been disrupted and have my clock get offset once again.

I guess in the end, I can't quite convey what I feel. I just don't feel love. Not right now. Maybe resentment. Frustration. Anger. But definitely not love. And I don't want to hear phones rining. I especially am ready to break the AM radio as that keeps me up all night but I won't stoop to the level of the hated step-mother and bitch about it. Even though I am in the same room, next to the radio and the radio is quote "louder than it used to be thanks to my hearing not being as good as it was". Thank you for contributing to my ability to get some rest.

1 comment:

The Joo said...

No words of encouragement, huh? How about "yup, that sucks!" Commiseration? I'm sorry you're having a rough time right now. As a mommy you'll always love your baby... doesn't mean you have to LIKE him though:)