Thursday, February 12, 2009

Valentine's Day Horror Story Flash Backs I Ignore All Year Long Till Now When I Rehash Them For Your Enjoyment

So I don't have the best past with Valentine's Days. Throughout high school I never had a boyfriend. Then the one year I get a boyfriend (who was a waste of 5 years of my life), there was the best friend boyfriend drama. My best friend dated this guy who was also a dud who wasted 2 years of her life with the I wanna date you but I don't but I really do but if we do date, you're bad and all sorts of weird guilt trips. Anyway, he dumped her like the day before or after, I forget which. Anyway, I spent that weekend consoling here as well did many other friends of ours and we all talked shit about the guy and with her only to accomplish by the end of the weekend them getting back together again! Their relationship lasted a few more on and off again months before she got fed up and told him where he could stick it.

The next year I had salmonella. That was a disaster and a half. I was sick for what seemed like forever and a day. I was throwing up and going diarrhea for 2 weeks. If I wasn't barfing, I was pooping. Sometimes I would multi-task. It was the sickest I've ever been in my life and I don't want to go through that ever again. I lived on Gatorade.

The year after that, I thought, "OK, this is the year, nothing in the way here!" I was supposed to have dinner plans with my ex. I went up to his place and found him still in his work clothes chatting online. He said we'd go grab a pizza. A pizza. A FUCKING PIZZA. I CAN GET A PIZZA ANY DAY OF THE WEEK YOU MORON! Alas, we got pizza. I ate dinner and went home.

The next year, I was still pissed off at the previous year so I decided I'd spend the weekend in New Mexico with my sister. We went out to dinner at this steak house just the two of us for Valentine's Day and she had this heart attack waiting to happen steak and I had the burrito covered with a block of cheese. It was the best burrito I've had in my life and I still have tonguegasms thinking of it. Oddly enough, it was probably the best Valentine's Day I've ever had so far.

The year after that one, ex decided he'd impress me to make up for the last 4 years of crappy Valentine's Days. He got me a present. He kept ranting and raving about it and I gossiped with people about what it could be. When I saw what it was, I was completely pissed off. It was lingerie. But not like cute Victoria's Secret stuff. It was like this really trashy Canoga Park porno style body stocking shit. I was so offended. Everyone asked me what he got and I was so embarrassed. What do I tell them, "Oh, he got me some low-fi porno lingerie." Yeah, no. I pick it up, look at it, and put it aside completely unamused. It wasn't even wrapped!

So the next year, I have a new boyfriend, who winds up being my husband later on. He was in school that year, so we didn't do anything. I sent him his lucky bullet up in the mail with a card because he forgot it at my house over Christmas.

Last year we were together. I was pregnant. We didn't do anything spectacular. I got him a box of chocolate ammo and left it for him on the table before work and surprised him. He brought home dinner for us so I didn't hafta cook. We shared the chocolate ammo. Nothing huge but it was nice.

Anyway, this year I have two guys to shop for, Charlie and Jesse. They're already taken care of. Again, nothing huge, just something thoughtful. OK, Charlie has a little cell phone that makes noises and stuff since he loves to mess with mine and the remote control and anything with buttons.

1 comment:

The Joo said...

Yeah, valentines day can be a pretty painful occasion if you're not with the right guy. Like the time the guy I liked took my SISTER to the high school v-day dance, while the guy I had recently been involved with told his parents he'd take me to the dance, but I was just his alibi so he could hop a flight to see some chick in Idaho (a plan he didn't even let me in on). Yeah, that Valentine's day blew. Good thing they are better now