Sunday, March 1, 2009

Artistic ooze

I've been dripping with creativity lately. Some stuff random craftiness, other stuff this really sickening urge to do creative stuff. I really miss painting. Like badly. I would paint more often except Charlie makes it hard to do. I want to be really serious about painting not-so-serious portraits and what not. I've realized I have the ability to be a great painter but I really shine when I am an intentionally bad painter. Like all the stuff great painters see and cringe at. Colors not mixed properly. Thin spots where a poorly primed canvas shows through. Paint so thick in other spots it almost becomes 3-dimensional. Hairs and dust and other random fibers floating in the environment sticking to the paint creating an unwanted texture. Skintones that don't match (an arm that's differently colored from another arm in the same lighting.) Ridiculously saturated colors next to super muted colors. Dull darkness next to bright lightness (is that even a word?) I guess my point is, I miss being a bad painter. I want to be a bad painter again because I realize that was the only time in my artistic career that I was truly happy. When I would paint really bad and people told me that my technique was horrendous but that it somehow worked with what I did. I really want to show art again, but I have no time to make art, and more importantly, no space or money. My brushes suck. I got these cheap ones that I got at Michaels after I moved for like $4.00. I gave my really nice sable set away to my friend, Evan, along with all my art supplies because he paints more than I did. My biggest life regret at this point in time is that I got rid of all my old art and threw away years of sketch books, stories, and musings. I feel like I threw away 6 years of my life I wanted to forget but now I want back. But just the creative side. The rest of that stuff can be long forgotten. But I want my creativity back. I cringe at the thought my years of art that wasn't donated is dying in a landfill somewhere, covered in spoiled food waste and everything I spent so long working on bleeding together off the pages and returning to the earth as if some sort of metaphorical burial of my creativity. At the end of all of that, I thought everything I loved about painting and drawing and art and just being creative died. And then it was buried. Now I wish it would be like Jesus and be resurrected... but I'll settle for a zombie returning from the dead. It's funny because my friend Alissa spent some 10 years of her life going to school for photography and finally finished last fall and has her website up and running. The thought of spending so many years in school to do something is just a horrific thought to me. I can't imagine being in school that long. I left after 3 years of paying a lot of money for what I felt was nothing. But now I look back and remember some of the times I really loved being in school. I realized I hated it when I had to work more to pay for it and couldn't devote all my time and efforts to it. Anyway, I just find it inspiring that Alissa spent so many years of her life to learning all she can fit into a decade about photography in between leaving the rest of her life to experiment and learn more as it's a never ending journey of trial and error. That devotion to creativity inspired me to think about my creativeness. Do I need all these fancy things to make art? Not really. I have some sculptures I made a year ago sitting in my kitchen that need to be painted or coated with something to preserve them. I do nothing though. I don't know why. When I think about my creativity, it seems like so many other efforts in my life in that I just seem to lack the commitment to start and finish something. I think my goal will be to one day get some new paint brushes that don't suck and attempt to go back to painting and stretching my own canvases and just being a bad painter. I feel like there's a void in my life that needs to be filled and it's with art that needs to be made. It's like, a year ago I was saying I was ready to paint again, and I dabbled, but now I mean it. I really am ready to paint again. Somewhat to the point I might actually try to become a professional artist of sorts.

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