Thursday, July 23, 2009

Is it possible to live with someone and miss them?

The last few weeks, Jesse was lucky enough to work opening shifts. Before that he was always closing. Again he's closing. Lately I feel like I don't get to spend enough time with him because I try to let him sleep in in the mornings. Then at night, I'm watering my lawn and then he checks his email, 'putes, plays his game and we go to bed. The end. Is it possible to live with someone and feel like they're far away somewhere and you miss them? I wouldn't go to the extent of saying we have a troubled marriage because when we do have our time together, we're more than happy, but I just can't help but feel like things are a little distant even though we're right next to each other?

This morning I was getting ready for a job interview. I was putting on my eyeshadow. I almost wore brown, but then thought that greys would look better. Yesterday I wore brown. I also remember that back November 2005, I was going to Ralphs for something and I ran into Jesse and his ex. He said hi and I didn't even notice them when I was zoned out and walking into the store. He told me he was having a bbq for his birthday at his ex's house and asked if I wasn't doing anything if I wanted to come over and I said sure. I remember putting on my gold and rose Mac eyeshadow, brown eyeliner and brown mascara and heading over there. I just got back from a trip to Arizona the week before and brought over some bbq sauce I bought out at a shop at Goldfield Ghost Town. My ex was there and it was probably one of the few times he was ever in the valley. We bbq'd chicken and it wasn't done till long after everyone ate. I don't understand why I remember to a t the exact make up I wore that day. I just know at the time I was very unhappy.

This morning when I was doing my make up, I saw my brown eyeshadow and it made me think of the gold and rose colored Mac eyeshadow and that bbq and being next to someone who is so interesting yet so out of reach. Last Friday we were supposed to have a date night but Jesse got really sick and it never happened. I think we're going to try to redo date night on Saturday. Hopefully we get a baby sitter. I just think I need some alone time with my husband who feels like he is miles away when he's literally right next to me in the same room half the time.

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