Thursday, September 1, 2011

Fontnoxious

Yesterday my boss asked me if I blogged lately and I told him not since two weeks ago. I just haven't had much time or things on my mind. Anyway, while working on some newsletter updates, I had to do a mandatory mental time out to break away from some atrocities of fonts I couldn't bear looking at any longer.  I decided to do something long overdue and complain about some fonts I really would love see die and or never have been invented. I mean, we all grew a hatred for Comic Sans and I think that one goes beyond speaking because everyone and their mother minus administrative assistants and school teachers hate Comic Sans. If you live under a rock and have never seen Comic Sans, I strongly urge you stay under your rock and don't expose yourself to it. Lord knows I wanna punch it in the face!

Algerian
It's simple, decorative, yet just enough to be slightly annoying. Plus, it seems people use it a lot and I can never remember what it's called. I want to call it Allegra or something with an A that I can't remember. Algerian. I think part of my discontent for it is the fact I can never recall what it's called but now that I'm acknowledging it in writing, I'll never forget... or I will. We'll see.


Rockwell
Sometimes I feel like, somebody's watching meee. Not that Rockwell. Rockwell the font, which I think has potential to be a nice font but it seems to be used and abused and just so in your face that it becomes annoying. I dunno what I'd use it for. Maybe like a word or no more than five. But people seem to like to use it for paragraphs upon paragraphs of text and they like to smush it in to fit and it feels like you're reading something that's been blobbed together. Agh my eyes hurt thinking about the blob with occasional negative space that just barely help me remember I am in fact looking at text and not some weird Mondrianesque piece! Don't forget to make it bold and red!


Jokerman
Seems like Comic Sans totally sold out. It was no longer good enough for bold eye-catching headers because it lost some of it's effect when people started using it religiously for body copy. Dang! Fortunately, someone managed to create an even more secretary-friendly more-obnoxious font: JOKERMAN! Even it's name alludes to it's playful (read: over the top annoying) nature! I can just imagine the gleeful smile some admin assistant has on her face as she drafts some sort of Happy Labor Day message to mass email all her coworkers and just for fun she'll make the letters alternate in red, white, and blue because that's how patriotic she is. Nothing celebrates the joyous day off for those of us who work or go to school as national holiday recognizing all those who died in Labor Union strikes against US Marshalls and the military in 1882. And said note is not complete without some sort of horrendous spelling error. It's like this font and gratuitous spelling mistakes go hand-in-hand. Oh and while you're at it, put it on a hard to read background, huh?



Matisse ITC
Here's another gem of an annoying font. It's a playful font that seems to be inspired by French Post-Impressionist Henry Matisse and his flat form paper cut out style paintings. Because after all, can't you just see this font being the creation of numerous scraps of paper? Instead of just trashing them, let's make an annoying font as an homage to a great painter! And if you ever notice when this font is used, it's often in really horrible color combinations that pain the eyes but somehow they touch the heart of the bright colors of Post-Impressionists. Ugh. Poor Henry must be rolling over in his grave over this one.



Papayrus
Wow. You wanna make something really awesome that feels all non-Western-tropical-like-ancient-Egypt-luau-ish? Because people seem to love this font for everything, especially menus and wedding invites. You know, because you're getting married on the beach? And you can't imagine seeing Falaffel in any other font? Maybe throw it along side some cutting edge clip art. That'd be sweet.Can you feel it all coming together?


Anyway, for the sake of mankind, I think we'd all be a lot better off if these fonts didn't exist. I really hate them and yet they seem to be standard fonts with most Windows systems for the most part. They drive me bat shit crazy and don't even get me started on Word Art. Just because you use Microsoft Word Art or MS Publisher, does not mean you are a designer. Hell, I've been doing design stuff for years and even I'm not sure I consider myself a designer (I know my strengths and weaknesses.) But I can tell you this much: I know when the Font Police should be called for crimes against typography.

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