Thursday, September 15, 2011

Importance of Closure

I've been in a funk lately. It's pretty much the same place I left off at around 8 years ago where I was expected to come up with something great and just drew a blank. I've been sitting around a lot wondering if I could have done things differently the first time around (pertaining to education) if I would have done it differently. Like instead of paint (and stay in my comfort zone), jump head first into design (new and unfamiliar then.) I realize as much as I want to be a comfort zone person, that I thrive on the adreneline rush of the new and unfamiliar. As much as we all want to be creatures of comfort, I think we all secretly long for the unfamiliar and unknown and the adventures that lie within. Anyway, I guess my depression is lurking from the fact I wish I went one way instead of the other. Instead I keep looming back to wondering why I ever stopped painting and allowed myself to become bitter and unhappy and after years and years of trying to figure out what I could have done differently, I find myself going back to the same spot as if I'll someday be able to change it to make things right and life will be ok. You know, how people like to put closure on things as a way of feeling better? I guess I feel if I'm not going to paint anymore, I want to put closure on it. And if I do not put closure on it, I want to keep doing it but where to begin? I keep going to that dark place (where, in the right conditions can catapult excellence, and if left unattended, well, just keeps me in a funk) and I feel like I want to do something great but I just feel stuck. It's depressing. I feel as if I'm stuck between a failure and mediocrity and it's a disappointing feeling.

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